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How To Be The Go-To Person
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The next time the person you regularly ask relationship advice from gives you bad news, or tells you something you didn't want to hear, buy them a drink.
Everyone has one, the relationship guru. It's your best friend, your sister, your cousin, the guy you met at the bar. More importantly, this person puts up with a lot of crap from you. As a certified go-to-girl, (my cell phone records show proof of my certification in the form of 3:00 a.m. phone calls) there are a few things someone should probably be aware of before becoming someone's go-to person.
Everybody wants to be your friend. Sadly for you, you need to realize it doesn't matter how awesome you are, they are talking to you for your profound wisdom of the opposite sex and relationships, not because they think you're a fun person. Sure, these people are your friends most days of the week, but you should realize as soon as they get into a relationship and start having problems that becoming their go-to means you officially revoke your friendship license and trade it into a certification in bullshit, to put it lightly. You are now their therapist, and sadly, you probably are going to get paid for this.
Everyone is going to hate you sometimes. As the go-to person, you are no longer required to be supportive of decisions they make that you know were stupid. You no longer are required to pat them on the backs and tell them that so and so was a jerk and they deserved better. Congratulations, you now get to hold stock in the "I Told You So" market.
Good advice often means loss of friendship. As a go-to, realize that the advice you give them, no matter how good and sound it may be, could mean the end of a friendship if it's advice that you know they won't want to hear. Telling a girl that her boyfriend is a jerk and she should leave him may be the right thing to do,especially if she still thinks she is head over heels in love with him. Telling a guy his girlfriend is spoiled and he should stop giving her money will only make him defensive and upset with you. As you gain experience in the go-to world you will learn how to phrase things in a way that inspires people to listen to you, but that takes time. Here are some good ways to light up some ugly problems:
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You think: He's being a jerk, she should dump him.
You say: Look, he doesn't seem to put as much effort into the relationship as you deserve. I think if he really cared for you, he would but more effort into treating you right.
The Targeted Response: They spend a few moments thinking about how they are treated and all of a sudden realize, they could probably find someone who treats them better.
You think: She's using you for your wallet.
You say: I understand she's having a hard time, but it doesn't seem like she's being very accountable for her own financial problems. Does she have a job? What does she spend her own earnings on?
The Targeted Response: He begins to pay more attention to her job, or lack there of.. and also starts to question her maturity level.
You think: He or she is cheating on your friend.
You say: I don't want to question the loyalty of your significant other, but sometimes it seems like he or she's heart isn't in the relationship. I know they are suppose to be in love with you, but how do you know they love you?
The Targeted Response: They stop and think about the actions of their SO.
These cover some of your bases, and in time, you'll figure out how to sugar coat tough cases in the right light. However until you get everything sorted out perfectly, I promise for every piece of honest hard to give advice you dish, you will receive an angry person who can't believe you would say that to them. Fear not forever though, eventually, if you did your job right, your friend will come back to you in due time telling you that they should have listened to you and you will get to cash in on that "I Told You So" market investment you made.
Bad advice loses your credibility. If you don't know the answer, and you think there is even the slightest possibility you may be wrong about something always remind people that it's your opinion they are listening to. Remind them that you aren't liable for any other problems that may occur if they take your advice. Telling someone that you can be trusted and that you are "sure" about this only makes you look like an ass when you turn out to be wrong in the end. However when giving advice you are unsure of try starting off with one of these key phrases:
"Well in my personal experience..."
"If I were you and put in this situation.."
or
"I could be wrong but..."
You can still cash in on the ITYS market when you're advice is right, but when it's wrong, you can always double back, point, and say, "I told you I wasn't sure about the situation, remember!" Jerk move? Yes, it is. However it's their fault for taking the advice you gave them when you informed them in the first place that you weren't sure.
Dropping it is often the best way out. As a personal unpaid shrink, remember you have rights. Sort of... If your friend is being dumb and you've given them sure fire advice over and over again, and they continue to not take any of it, you're allowed to evoke the "I told you so and I don't want to hear about it" clause. Be up front, "Look, I told you what I thought about it, if you aren't going to listen to me about it, don't talk to me about it." Please remember though, when you evoke this, you can't continue to listen to them talk about the problems.. it makes you look like a doormat.
It takes a long time to master the art of being the "go-to" person. These are just some beginners tips. Feel free to leave comments with some of your own go to tips below.
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