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| Posted 7 months ago |
Views 736 |
Comments 18 |
Category Sexuality |
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Friends with Benefits - Why it never works
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When I was young, I always believed sex "meant something", and it wasn't simply something that was taught to me -- it was instinctive.
When I grew up and entered the adult world, tons of people told me that sex was meaningless and I was just being on old-fashioned Priss. Being naive (and trusting the wrong people) I had a one night stand at the urging of so called friends.
I recall nervously telling the guy that it was my first time in that realm. He sneered at me and said "Most women say that so you won't think they're a slut..."
At that moment I felt very cheapened. Later, the one girl who had coaxed me into the one night stand laughed and replied, "See, now you are no better than me, and you can't say anything to me!"
I cried.
I never had another one night stand again, and learned some valuable lessons. Despite how nonchalant people try to be about sex, it is far more complicated than many would have us believe.
As I matured, I made other sexual missteps, but of a different nature. Because of this, I slowly realized a pattern of behavior. MOST people, MEN INCLUDED, do not really take sex lightly, they merely run from various implications of it.
Now, this may not be the case with all people who enjoy a liberated lifestyle, but I will say that the MAJORITY of men and women I found who engaged in wanton, free sex, be it with stranger or friend, were either afraid of commitment, or running from something.
Invariably, if I sat down to talk with these people (I have a way of making people feel comfortable enough to bare their souls) they spill on old ghosts, fears, childhoods, that hint at why they don't desire to have an adult, give and take, one on one sexual relationship.
There were always two main culprits, which is always at the heart of emotional issues.
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Fear and anger.
Anger emerged from those who were hurt by a man or woman, or as a child, culminating in an immature, almost sociopathic rage that only served to perpetuate the cycle of pain that we inflict on one another - such a response solves nothing.
Fear is borne from individuals who believe that they are damaged, and don't want to let anyone in enough to see flaws. As soon as someone gets too close, they run like scared rabbits.
Immature individuals also feel they deserve to have what they want free of expectations or respect to the person they want to obtain it from. In this way, meaningless sex allows them to have the perks of a relationship, without having to deal with the needs of someone else.
People must realize that anything that has worth, kids, love, marriage, come with a price--nothing is free. You can't just walk into a store and walk out with diamond--you pay for it. Sex has its price as well, and we can't circumvent it.
Did we not learn anything from the past? The free love sixties fell by the wayside with a thud. Why? Because Human beings are by and large, emotional and spiritual beings. We are not Vulcans who can push aside our natural responses with a "logical pact". Our emotional side is just as valid as the intellectual one.
We are biologically engineered to bond after sex. For example, a woman release a hormone called oxytocin when she orgasms during sex. This hormone is also released when she breastfeeds her baby, so that she bonds with it. Some studies indicate men also release a hormone that causes an attachment to the female partner. We are SUPPOSED to want to be with one another after a sexual experience -- it is the nature of the human creatures design.
As I told one poster, it ain't nice to fool with mother nature!
Want to know why FWB doesn't work--because sex does mean something--we know in our hearts this is true, no matter what we tell ourselves -- going against our hearts and spirits has always been the height of human folly, but also of man's learning and evolution.
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