Pick Her Out, Pick Her Up

First things first when picking out a girl is to look at their clothing. If her skirt rides high on her ass and her shirt low on her chest, she came to party. Two hours earlier, she'd likely look at you with scorn and contempt but after a few shots and a dozen times on the dance floor, she's loosened up enough to entertain you for a line or two. Don't waste your time on anything with a turtleneck (frigid and prude), a dress that cost more than your rent payment (stuck-up and high maintenance) or corduroy pants (tree hugger with low grooming standards). Anything else is fair game.

Secondly, watch their facial expressions. If they are fixated on some other guy, keep looking, obviously. If they are swaying, but not to the music, and making funny, hmm, why is the room spinning faces, steer clear. If they are laughing with their girlfriends but scanning the room every few minutes, great! If they are politely smiling at some douche bag loser but trying desperately to get away, even better! For the last two scenarios, you can come to the rescue with a White Russian cocktail and the keys to your Mustang.

Now that you've identified the lucky benefactor of your charming demeanor and sexual prowess, you must seal the deal. It may only take a free drink and a good joke but that's rare. Do some homework; judge her by her cover, eavesdrop on her conversation, note every little detail and use it to formulate a conversational strategy that will hook her interest for at least 5-10 minutes. By then, the bar lights will be coming on and loud bouncers will be shoving people out the door. The night is nearly over and that always sparks a sense of urgency for both men and women. As you start moving towards the exit sign, ask her a question (or two, or five) to keep her talking. Act interested by nodding and commenting on her answers.

If you play your cards right, you'll find yourself outside, face to face wherein you can offer her a ride, ask her if she'd like to grab a drink somewhere quiet to talk or make some similar offer. Look into her eyes and stress how you wish you had met her earlier that night because you [feel a connection] (insert any bullshit comment there).

At worst case, you get a number you can either call or use for bragging rights to your ugly friends. At best case, she'd love to grab a drink somewhere quiet and, surprise, the most convenient place happens to be your new loft downtown. When she hesitates, assure her that you don't bite and suggest she bring a friend. That will earn a little trust (and possibly create an even better opportunity).

Pick her out, pick her up. Good luck getting lucky.