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Sexual Attraction In an Enduring Relationship
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When a relationship starts to become serious, and both people get to know each other pretty well, there's a chance to become too comfortable, or stagnant (or really, however you experience it) within the relationship. However, when a couple becomes too comfortable there's a chance that some of the sexual attraction suffers in some way.
And common problems about the feeling of the effect of the loss of sexual attraction within the relationship can lead to things like: anxiety and paranoia, amongst many other problems that happen to be "invisible to the naked eye." And because anxiety and paranoia usually have a "build up before things blow up/break down" type of effect, the outcome of these situations can turn sour incredibly fast if not "handled with precaution."
Now, common situations that couples may experience with this is: "Do we have too much sex?" and is this what the relationship is based on? Is that why we're attracted to each other? Are we attracted in other ways?" -or- "Are we not having sex as frequently as we used to/not at all? And does that mean in some way we're less attracted to each other? Am I a bad girlfriend/boyfriend?"
Situations like this can either help the relationship grow, or grow apart. It helps to have an open mind and a sense of what makes you happy, and what makes your partner happy, also. But the other common problem here is that - when some kind of disagreement happens about the subject - we're usually not as in tune with our partners needs (sexually) as we are with our own needs, and it's common to have the two people's different sexual feelings being compared and competed against, instead of compared and compromised with. With an outcome of trying to prove points to one another, rather than work with each other. And mainly because men and women are just simply different when it comes to building attraction - let alone sexual attraction, and we just don't understand each other as well as we'd like to, however, we'd like to try to prove our point to the opposite sex (with an idea of trying to understand, but how other people interpret it is a different story, lol, but we try). And being in the "heat of the moment, trying to prove our points-we want to bring up, doesn't help any. And that's because anxiety mixed with adrenaline can be a bad combination. Like, wind mixed with fire - it has the potential to extinguish it or feed it.
And sexual attraction is detected by our senses in a way that is commonly narrowed down, roughly, amongst four categories:
1. Mental - often dealing with expectation, imagination, mystery and surprise, and mixing with a person's character traits/personality(including traits that often vary from nervousness to confidence/happy to sad).
2. Visual Perception - attraction perceived by how the other person looks or acts, or a set of movements pleasing to the eye (like dancing, or watching the way a person walks).
3. Audition - how the other person's voice sounds and sounds of their movements (even including the little things like sneezing, laughing, coughing, and yes(lol), even snoring).
4. Olfactory - how the other person smells, naturally and artificially. Through cologne, perfume, lotions, etc...(some things smell good and some don't, and everyone's nose works a little differently, lol). And it goes as far as enjoying the smell of someone else cooking. Kind of like an aphrodisiac. It's just another one of those little things that is associated to your partner that may attract you to them.
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However, how sexual attraction is triggered by another person can be tracked to their sexual beliefs, desires, imagination, spontaneity, curiosity, ambition, fears, and also abuse(steering away from). And when it seems like you're not triggering that "spark" of attraction like you used to - the two worst things a person or couple can do - is 1) avoid communication or 2) constantly try to communicate about it.Why? Because your partner will think something along the lines either - you(or they) may not care about what they(or you) have to say - or - you(or them) could seem to be constantly looking for approval on the subject and your partner (or yourself) feels likes you may not trust what your partner completely says. In which, both can take away from the sexual attraction within a relationship to some degree. Leading back to the thoughts of "Am I doing my best as a partner, for my partner? Are we going to make it as a couple?"
And what are some suggestions that may help:
1. Open the lines of communication somehow. Don't let Anxiety get the best of you. Inquire information, but don't force it out of your partner.
2. Find a balance in communicating.
3. Remember to keep growing as an individual, as well as a couple. Don't forget about the person who you were and aspired to be, before you met your partner. There are characteristics and qualities there that initially attracted your partner to you. Known and unknown to ourselves. That's why we inquire. And when things become "too comfortable" in a way(over time), some of the little things that were important to triggering attraction before, go over-looked. When they were looked upon before to expand and branch off of, and evolve into more intricate pieces of the relationship that may now feel as if they're missing. Like, trying to find new ways to flirt in the relationship. And so on.
4. There's more to a relationship than sex (unless that's the kind of relationship you wanted - friends with benefits for example). But a relationship should be fun and challenging, and not just expecting from one another. And sex shouldn't be the base of an enduring relationship.
5. Remember that sex is a choice within the relationship, not something to be expected. When something becomes expected and you feel like in some way the idea is being forced/peer pressured upon you(or for your partner), over time it tends to feel like a chore(in a worst case scenario-type situation), and it has a tendency to become put off, or being procrastinated about. Like when we were all first learning responsibility growing up. Who wanted to do chores when you could be having fun. But in a relationship, and the choices we make in it - are made because in some way it should make us happy, as well as our partners. And sometimes they may not feel up to it, sometime we may not feel up to it when our partner does. It's a choice. Not, like we have to do it. But it's important to work with our partner, too, to understand and give and take at some points and not be completely selfish (because if only one persons enjoying it, then how can you relate in the relationship - on that level?).
6. Even though dating is a game of pursuit, wonder, excitement, and numbers (number of the times you're going to get rejected vs. the number of dates you're going to get/ a game of simple odds). Sex isn't a numbers game. It isn't a game at all. It's an experience, really. Usually with something fun and challenging leading up to it, a climax, and unwinding afterward. And it is, also a form of exercise, which in that scenario it helps to mentally prepare to fully enjoy it, and benefit from it. It's a lot of things tangled together, to make one experience.
7. And Because sex isn't a numbers game, that's what gives it the ability to take on new heights like "the quickie(lol)" to "making love." It's the experience of it all, that gives it so much adaptability. And that's what makes it important to be able to communicate about the things that are creating good and bad sexual tension and what creates the attraction to build up the tension enough to want to make two people want to release the tension in the form of enjoying sexual activities/intercourse with a loving, trusting partner.
8. Compromise and evolve, don't try to change your partner.
And to step back and take a look at this subject in general, when you may feel like sex is what the relationship is based on, maybe it's time to look at what's actually going on, instead of what's taking place too often or what's not taking place; because there could be a different reason why all of a sudden there's a red flag with some kind of "are we right for each other?" message attached to it.
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Jpalms56
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