Guys and housework?

I have two recommendations:

1. The best option available is to use positive reinforcement. Try this _before_ you have the Serious Discussion. The trouble with the Serious Discussion is that men don't want to feel like they're married to their mom, or their third grade teacher. So the Serious Discussion can backfire, partly for reasons I'll describe below.

Here's how positive reinforcement works: When your husband does something irritating, ignore it. But when he does something you want him to do, praise him -- you may have to start with very small things that he does, but start looking for behaviors that you want him to do more of. When he does one, swoop in. Give him a kiss, sweetly say "Thank you for thinking of me, and making my day a little easier for doing [x, y or z]." Schmooze and turn on your feminine charms for a few moments. The big secret is that guys want to make women happy. We want your praise and attention. Positive Reinforcement seems to activate a chivalry gene in guys. Unless your husband is an addict, an abuser or has a serious personality disorder, positive reinforcement like I describe will work _very_ quickly. Within a week, you will see in improvement. Try this for 1 week, and post an update.

2. Men tend to do less "inside" housework (dishes, laundry, vacuuming, etc.) But hour-for-hour, married men tend to do roughly the same amount of "outside" housework (lawn mowing and yardwork, snow shoveling, etc.) as women do inside. Additionally, the outside work is generally more dangerous, with higher injury rates. Quite often, women and society in general fail to recognize this dangerous work as "housework." This is why the Serious Discussion can backfire: he's pulled a muscle in his back to shovel the show, he's climbed on a wobbly 25 foot ladder to hang Christmas lights exactly the way you want, and then you complain that he's not doing enough housework! He feels disrespected and ignored, so he retreats into his shell. More info in this book: link So if your husband mows the lawn, takes out the garbage, shovels the sidewalk in the winter, repaints the trim on the house every few years, climbs on the roof to change the swamp cooler pump or so on, realize that he _is_ doing a lot of risky housework, and apply the kissy-schmoozy positive reinforcement.

my just as to ask I don't care I'll do it

I thought the book "His Needs, Her Needs" and "The Five Love Languages" were good at opening a dialog about what each person needed out of the relationship to feel loved, valued, respected, and a partner instead of a giver/receiver.

I like AtomizerJr's post. I love the positive comments, praise, and "extras" my girl gives me when she feels like I'm investing in the relationship, whether it is working hard to bring home $$$, fixing up the house, taking the kids to the park so she can have some alone time, bringing her flowers, or washing the dishes.

Treat him like a dog. Reward good behavoiur and ignor bad behavior. What ever you do not nag him it will remind him of his mother and no guy wants to have sex with his mother ewww. Well maybe in Japan but I digress. If he helps with cleaning, cooking packing lunches for work or what ever give him a pat, rub his belly and say good boy with a soothing voice. Play ball with him. Give him a massage or give him a treat in the bedroom someonething he usually doesn't get as a reward. This behavoir modification techqnique works on dogs and not to bright guys. If he is a psychologist then you are screwed he will know what you are up to and it will fail he might even try to reverse the technique on you and you might end up doing even more. If that is the case get a divorce and marry someone beter. On a side note I am single would be willing to do more chores than ur hubby and would appreciate you more not because I'm a great guy but because I need a green card.

Don't get on his back when he's occupied with something, expecting him to drop everything at once.
Just work out an even distribution of household chores between you.

this one works EVERY time with my boyfriend..."the sooner we get the house clean, the sooner you can (insert male fantasy here).

This was a great question. I've had this issue for years. I just gave up. Hope you are stronger. 80)

i would sabotage whatever he is doing. ie. hide the cord for the tv or take the remote, hide the playstation paddle, computer mouse, stuff the dirty socks he left in the living room in his pillowcase, throw all his dirty clothes in his car, hide his keys, clean the toilet with his tooth brush, hide his porn, put all his dirty dishes in his dresser drawers. if all this don't p*ss him off enough to motivate himself to help you at least wash some friggin dishes, I'd get a hott 18 year old guy to $%^* the crap outta me every nite to help me forget what a lazy SOB my hubby turned out to be! lol

i'd use incentives let's say if he does do this then I'll give him some *wink wink* or something like that. always works for me

Bribe him with beer...worked for this lady.

link

Don't keep explaining. He knows all this. Show him how his life would be enhanced by helping you clean up around the house. Start by telling him that you and he could "do something...whatever you both enjoy" sooner if he would help get the dishes done WITH YOU. Then you start working in another part of the kitchen to get the other chores done. Do this several times...or more...until it's more of a habit. So set up a system of "you help, you get rewarded". And STOP nagging. He heard you the first time - you are just not giving him the requirements in a clear and action, result manner that will make him focus his attention.
Then of course the hard part is to ask for something to be done and LEAVE it alone until it is. Leave his clothes dirty on the floor...do not wash or pick up. Not until he doesn't have anything clean to wear will it become an issue. Then sweetly tell him when he complains..."Oh - it wasn't in the hamper so I didn't wash it". And I can't stress this enough...DO NOT EXPLAIN what you are doing or it will ruin the effect. Women explain too much. Just repeat the simple statement...this then shows up in his mind as a requirement...You want clean cloths you put them in the hamper... Do you understand? There are several good books on relationships that help with these principles.

You say that you don't want to nag him, but he has no problem leaving all of the responsibilities to you. Tell him straight up that you need him to pitch in more. If it comes off as nagging, so be it. You've already explained to him nicely and he still hasn't made an effort, now it's time to turn it up. Stop making his lunch if he is "too busy" to help out, then be "too busy" to make his lunch.

When he does do some chores tell him how much you appreciated that. He will get the hint (she's happy when I do x).

The first thing you should do is ask yourself if you are doing any chores that are unnecessary. Then stop doing any that are. For example, it is great that you make his lunch. But if he is not willing to do his share around the house, then the lunch should go.

The second thing I suggest is pick a time when he is not busy, when you are feeling calm, and have a talk about this problem. If you don't talk about it, then he won't understand how serious this is for you and you will nag! Tell him that you just can't keep doing what you are doing and you feel like he could be helping out more. Tell him that you are becoming resentful about this and that you would like to resolve the problem before it starts affecting your relationship. Make a list of chores and divide them among you. Make sure not to switch chores regularly (lazy people just shirk when it is their turn to do something); make him permanently responsible for certain things, then don't touch those chores ever.

The alternative is to hire a cleaner out of his salary for doing his chores. Or hire one between the both of you to take care of everything. I know a lot of couples who do this.

I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that anyone who is "too busy" to help his girlfriend/wife with household chores in 2009 is behaving like a d***. It is great that you don't want to nag, but I hope you realize that you have every right to feel upset about this situation. If he loves you, he will work with you to solve this problem.

i find myself constantly nagging my man to help me- although lucky for me he's a clean freak so he does the tidying and I do the cooking!
you need to sit down and have a full on chat about this, explain you can't do it all yourself! work out equal amounts of housework to do, tell him you need a hand, he should understand and want to help you!