I am an Australian 25 year old woman. Three years ago I worked in the UK for two years; but had to leave then as my visa expired. Then, 4 months before I had to leave, I met someone. We had an immediate attraction and incredible accord. We were inseparable from the very beginning and both of us had never experienced something like it before; to the extent that he asked me to marry him just for the papers to stay in the UK with him. I didn't want to do this, as it had only been 4 months. So we decided to have a long distance relationship for a year, by which time I would qualify for a UK HSMP visa. We kept in contact and missed each other terribly - and after 2 months, he came down to Australia to be with me. During the 6 months he was here we had an amazing time, we were growing ever more in love and I can honestly say we did not have one serious problem. After 6 months he wanted to go home for a while, because he was not working and felt bored and unproductive - completely understandable. We parted with difficulty and tenderness, comforted by the knowledge that we would see each other again at the end of the year when I go back to the UK. For about 2 weeks we rang and emailed each other constantly. Then, he gradually contacted me less and less. I tried not to panick, to give him space. Barely a month later I confronted him about his lack of interest in us, and he confessed that he was having doubts. A few weeks of discussions about our future followed, until he finally decided that he was too uncertain about what he wanted to 'ask me to move halfway around the world to be with him'. He said all the usual things about needing to figure out what he wanted in his career; not wanting the responsibility of having to consider me in his decisions. He promised that there is no-one else, that it's not about that, and I believe him. I don't know what to believe - I cannot think that he just fell out of love with me in a few weeks. If this had happened while we were in the same country it would make more sense, but it feels like he just got scared and overwhelmed by the long distance challenge. Is he just not that into me? Or is there hope? Everything was perfect when he left, how could this have happened? I've wondered if he is just trying to make sure that I don't move to another country just to be with him... but on the other hand, it shouldn't be that complicated. He knows I always wanted to go back, even before I met him. Should I give up on him or should I be patient through his quarter life crises? I love him incredibly much, and he says he still loves me. He's been away for 3 months now, and I still cry most nights when I go to bed and the memories start creeping in. I've never been like that about anyone. Please help me, I'm very confused as there are so many factors at play here, my head is throbbing from all the thinking. Thank you Elena
He is scared and he hasn't fallen out of love so there is hope. He confessed his feelings and maybe you need to try to understand him. He doesn't want to ruin your life by making you move. But you should do it anyway. Show him how much you care by moving down there. You need to take the step back into his life. Show him that you are willing to leave it all behind for him. You both live far away and yes he probably is working with is job and other things but if your love was as real as you mentioned then it is something and you shouldn't let that go and neither should he. Take this step since he is so scared to. Share him it doesn't matter what you leave behind but what matters is the love and life your found and that what matters is that you love each other. Reassure him that leaving is not a problem and that your here for him and that you'll make things work..
It hurts so much because you never really got closure on the relationship.
Long distance relationships never work out, you guys were effectively playing out a fantasy until the reality set in. How exactly was he in the country for six months without getting a job? What DID he do?
If my entire existence was sitting on a couch waiting for my girl to come by, it would be a hangover day. However, if it was not a hangover day, and was in fact, every day for six months, and I knew that if I left there was a better life, well I'd go bye bye. And he did. And then he wonders, that chick I saw every day for those six months of nothing, I don't think I wanna see her anymore. Sounds reasonable to me.
Harsh but true I suppose... He is a musician, so he spent his time here composing and also writing a music book, which I published for him in August. So he didn't exactly do nothing, but I know he wasn't fulfilled especially with regards to not having his own friends. But yes, it would make sense that he just got sick of me and claustrophobic, but he never gave any hint of that before leaving and cried just as much as I did at the airport... - 17 days ago
Answerer
Yeah it's hard when you end different stages of your life. I cried when I finished the last essay of my degree. It's not really your fault, he just didn't have a fulfilling life outside of you while you were here and he probably wasn't happy. You've probably been unconsciously linked to that time or something. - 17 days ago
Beautiful writing Elena, first of all. Um, it really is a complicated situation here but it seems to me by your story that he may be getting cold feet. I understand that he feels that if you move back then he will feel responsible and ma feel pressured (even tho you are moving back for other causes as well). I would not give up him right now just give a little more patience while discussing these issues with him. See how it goes, the phone calls...emails etc. and it will help with determining whether he really does have deep feelings or whether he is slipping away. Seems like he has a problem with commitment and he's getting scared. But he only knows at this point, what he sees in his future. Give it a little time and listen very well and hopefully he will at least hint as to which direction is intending to take. ty-lady!
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When: 17 days ago
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