My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 months. We recently had a few accidents. I took the emergency pill after the last accident (last saturday night). I asked (out of interest) what would happen if I did get pregnant.
He said he would want me to have an abortion, he said he isn't ready and a baby would ruin his life. (we are aged 26, both finished university and in good careers).
He said if I didn't want an abortion he would stay with me but he would HATE me forever for it.
Was I right to be upset?
I last heard from him on the sunday. Then he didn't contact me for 3 days. On wednesday I received a text message asking if I was ok (I didn't reply) on thursday I got a message asking if I was ok (I didn't reply). To be honest I have been feeling awful and vomiting etc (think effect of that pill) and been too hurt and upset.
Surely if he knew I had taken that tablet and he hasn't heard from me now for 6 days, if he cared, surely he would send another message, or try and phone me or try and come over to my house to check I am ok. I am leaving it to see what he does.
The other thing is he can so easily say that he will (HATE me) but he will not tell me that he cares about me at all. He will not express positivefeelings towards me, apart from that I am 'quite nice'.
The other thing is he is a nightmare for making arrangements to meet. for example the other weekend we agreed to go for a walk. I waited all day for him to turn up, wasting my day, at 4pm I then sent a message saying that'd it'd be too dark soon. He turned up after 5pm with torches. Another time it took all aday to arrange meeting him, when he did come to my house he didn't want sex because he said he was irritated by me texting him and asking when we were meeting etc.
So, he can say he would hate me or that he is irritated by me but he can't say hat he cares, or would miss me, or is pleased to see me. The other thing is he barely speaks. You literaly have to drag information out of him, my family have started saying they are not speaking to him unless he starts up conversation with him, you have to ask him uestions and then get one word responses.
What do I do? He talks a bit more now, but generally if we go for a walk or are together he is silent.
I have never ignored him before, in fact he is used to hearing from me a lot, so this is very unusual him not getting a response. I am trying to see if he does care, if he is bothered that he hasn't seen me or is even wondering what is going on, I want him to show that he cares and that he would bother to ry as hard as he could to make sure that I am ok. I am not doing it as a game but talking to hi so far hasn't worked. Perhaps actions speak louder than words.
Update: That's the other thing, why does he sit in silence. With his friends he sits and doesn't say much. If we go for a walk he is mainly silent. We go to the cinema and obviosly he is quiet. Generally yo have to ask him questions and he offers limited response
10 months ago
Update: ok, he cacme over last night. He said that when we first met he wasn't looking for a relationship but he thought I seemed nice. He then said that with the threat of redundancy and then actually being made redundant he has been deliberately non-commital,
10 months ago
Update: he said it's because he is likely to have to go away and that he didn't want to get hurt,
10 months ago
Update: ok, I have backed off and stopped nagging and he actually chatted to me the other day. He is still rubbish at letting me know when we are meeting, really but the last two occasions when we have met I have had a better time.
10 months ago
First, the response to your question about pregnancy: you should be upset because he was very rude in telling you he would hate you. On the other hand, you had a 50/50 chance at him pissing you off with his answer, but you asked.
Next: He may just be a quiet guy! I used to be like this. I would need my silence most of the day. I'd rather text or email than talk on the phone, and rather than talk to anyone, I'd rather listen to music or leave the TV on for noise in my ears.
Next: If he has told you he did not really want a relationship, why are you trying to have one? He doesn't tell he you cares for you, doesn't make an effort to spend time with you, and he refused sex because you texted him? I don't understand this guy at all. You sure he's not actually a woman? =P
Next: Depending on how much you talk to him and how you would describe "nagging", he might just not be ready for a relationship. Unless you are constantly bombarding him with attempts at contacting him, you shouldn't need to "back off" at all.
Re-assess your relationship and do what you need to in order to be happy! Good luck!
Does quiet mean deep? Also if quiet would you still want to go round and see the girl? - 10 months ago
Answerer
Quiet doesn't necessarily mean deep, I just meant he's simply a quiet guy. I don't know about him, but to be honest I don't think of myself as deep. I am quiet, however.
As far as your second question, of course I would want to go around and see her. Again though, it may just be his personality. Good luck! - 9 months ago
He could have chosen his words more carefully, so yes, you can be upset.
On the other hand, it's unfair for a woman to say, "Oops, I've decided to carry your unwanted child to term after alll. Guess I just forgot to tell you. Sorry." It's the nastiest of surprises, no man appreciates it.
He could have handled it better ("Tell me know if you'd carry the child"), you could have handled it better ("HATE's a pretty strong word there, buddy") but since everyone has screwed up, what could have been a small problem is now a big one.
As for his lateness, throw the occasional fit, and schedule things earlier. Trust me, he isn't changing; few chronically late people do.
Same for the communication, throw the occasional fit, and try to draw him out, but he won't become chatty.
Remember, "never teach a pig to sing; it wastes time and annoys the pig"? Women who try to change guys typically just piss them off. Notice that his friends deal with him as he is. Follow their example.
Yes you were right to be upset. I'm a guy and even I can admit that was totally wrong, no way should he have reacted like that. I wouldn't react like that with anyone, especially not with someone I was in a relationship with.
He seems pretty closed off and only able to express negative emotions easily. Has he been hurt before? He sounds kinda bitter. Not sure about sitting in silence either, sounds kinda awkward!
Ignoring him might make him come to his senses, but if he is stubborn he will probably do the same. It's a good test but carries a risk. If you want my honest opinion if he doesn't come crawling back to you on his hands and knees (which he totally should after behaving like that) then dump him, avoid the headache and find someone else because I'm sure there are people who will care about you a lot more than he seems to and they will show it.
Thanks, He has had x2 serious relationships. One for 4 years and one for 2 years. He knows he is my first. I don't know if it is a gy thing but he is rubbish at letting me know abot meeting. Nomatter how hard I osh he won't say how he feels. I text and asked if he knows how he feels about me, he said 'I think so'. - 10 months ago
Answerer
It's not a guy thing. I always let people know if I'm running late or can't make a meeting, its just called manners and being respectful. I expect people to do the same with me. - 10 months ago
Question Asker
If I say about meeting, I get evasive words like 'maybe' or 'probably', or if he is supposed to be coming over it might get to 8pm and I will say, 'are you still visiting?' and he says 'if you want me to'. Other time he has come over and said, 'I can only stay an hour', other times he'll stay for ages. Is he playing games with me. Or is this just boy?! - 10 months ago
Answerer
It sounds to me like he is just keeping his options open. Most guys if they really like someone will make plans and keep them no matter what comes up. He sounds like he's keeping plans open with you but has the option to cancel if something better comes up. - 10 months ago
Question Asker
Trouble is I know he doesn't do anything else much. In fact I have been invited to a party tonight by some of his friends and they are not inviting him cos they say there is no point because he won't reply to the message. If your girlfriend had taken that pill and you hadn't heard from her in 6 days wouldn't you be worried/trying to find out if she is ok?I lost my virginity to him and then the next day he left by 11am to go and buy bikers gloves even though we had the house to ourselves. - 10 months ago
Answerer
Oh, that's kinda weird. Seems he's just very vague and distant in general. But yeah if my girlfriend had taken the pill I'd be by her side and definitely making sure she was ok. - 10 months ago
Seeing that an accident takes two people, it was a pretty strong comment to hate you for it. As well, not following through on previous arrangements and being noncommunicative are not the traits of someone who cares for another. In fact, that is very noncaring. I have to think that he doesn't care at all. After four months, there should be some expression of affection towards another unless there's nothing to express; which is what I believe is happening.
Apparently he was a bit of a loner at school. He doesn't really hold conversation. The twice I have been to his house we have sat in the lounge with his parents all night, in silence, watching the tv. He sends texts saying sweet dreamsxx, but he won't say he cares, he has said 'I am quite nice', or he has said 'I am loveley'. He has lost his job and may have to move away but when I ask he won't say if he is bothered if we are appart, even though I seem upset. - 10 months ago
You didn't say one positive thing in this whole post about him... seems like you are trying to have something that isn't meant to be.
A few "accidents" .. Be responsible, get on birthcontrol use condoms! It's obvious he doesn't want a kid so why risk this happening? Abbortion shouldn't be your back up plan for being careless. If he hated you for having a baby then possibly he should not have stuck his dick in you. That's what leads to babies unprotected sex hello... its been this was since the beginning of time, and it won't change.
Why the hell would you want to be with this man! WHY? Were you using condoms because if not he put himself out there to get you pregnant. I am sorry but him not wanting to get hurt is a cop-out. Who really tells someone they are with that if they didn't get a abortion they would HATE THEM. Cut ties with this little boy. I can't even call him a man. I am appaled at hearing this. Really and truely. Maybe he shouldn't be having sex because things happen even with condoms and pregnancy is always a reality. I wish I could come and hug you right now. I can't imagine how it would hurt to have someone say that to you. I would also like to find him and kick him in his stupid little boy nads so he can no longer produce any babies. Sorry if I sound mean but when men treat women like this it pushes me over the edge...
I think you should move on. Sounds like he has a lot of emotional issues. Be glad that he gave you an honest answer to your question and move on while you still can without too much pain.
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(Age:25 to 29)
When: 10 months ago
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