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Lady-in-Waiting

Helping him make his "First Move" with me...

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Lady-in-Waiting (Age:36 to 45)     When: 8 months ago
Views: 548     Category: Relationships
I am interested in my male friend. (I'm a gal.) We are both close to 40 y.o. Lately, he has been showing strong signs of interest, but hasn't made a move to ask me out or try to kiss me or anything. Texts are getting frisky, though. Not dirty; just frisky.

He's really shy and doesn't have a lot of self-confidence. (Or, he doesn't seem to around me.) Anyway, I really want him to be the one to make the first move in order to HELP his self-esteem. It needs to be HIS idea.

What can I do to encourage his "big move" without being obvious that's what I'm doing ? (He's really been hurt in the past because of rejection and a cheating ex-gf.) I try to create opportunities, but he doesn't take them. However, he is showing "textbook" signs of interest. Just showing them sloooooooooowly. (We've been friends for over a year. Became really close really fast. He's just NOW flirting on a more personal level and not just picking at me.) He honestly NEEDS to do this. If he could just make a move IN PERSON, I'd make SURE he knew it was well received.

Also, how can I tell he is even TRYING to make a move? I've been out of the loop for so long (Bad divorce; Long story.), I may be missing opportunities myself.

We've never even hugged. Not even as "just friends"! HELP!!!

Serious answers only, please. And, hopefully from guys in our age range.

Thank you.

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What Guys Said

Superstrength79
2831  
Superstrength79 (Age:25 to 29)      When: 7 months ago
Ask him if he would like to do an event or class together with you. Dancing classes would be best. Maybe some ballroom dancing? Anything with casual, friendly contact. :)
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Question Asker Thank you, but doubt he'd go for that. Good news though: He invited himself over, DVDs in hand 2 days in a row. Inviting himself over is very new. We'd never had movie night before either. PROGRESS! LOL! Slow is good though. As long as we have progress. - 7 months ago

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That-Guy
2541  
That-Guy (Age:18 to 24)      When: 8 months ago
I hate the limited amount of characters restricted in the comment box so I'll continue here.

Men are usually straight forward with what they want you to hear. I think you'll only strain yourself figuring him out what his subtleties mean (i know how women love to decode hidden stuff). He will let you know.

To make it easier for him, just continue what you're doing. Aware of his emotions and supportive. You said he doesn't think he's attractive? You're complimenting his looks all the while right? He doesn't believe you? Just like you don't believe us when we say "you aren't fat, you're beautiful" but it's still nice to hear.

All in all, when his "engine" is running right, he'll let you know.

Isn't waiting fun?
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Question Asker Argh! I agree about the comments box. Can't get all info in there! Yes. Love the waiting. (Ugh!) At least you see where I'm going with this. He MUST be the 1 to make a move. I will keep up the status quo then. At least he's still hanging around. Good sign. - 8 months ago
Question Asker PS: Thank you again, T-G. You've been very helpful. - 8 months ago
Answerer If you click on those "up" arrows on my answers, it will make me feel better and boost my ego. *cough.... - 8 months ago
Question Asker XD Sorry! New here. Didn't realize I could chose best answers, etc. There ya go! All better now? You really DO have lovely answers. Very handsome answers. And SOOO manly. XD (again) - 8 months ago
Answerer Every girl needs to pay attention here, See her compliments? I just smiled and puffed out my chest... - 8 months ago
Question Asker Ha ! Just wish I could mark "Best Comment" for that one. Cheers ! - 8 months ago

That-Guy
2541  
That-Guy (Age:18 to 24)      When: 8 months ago
Ohhh that changes everything. So weird, I didn't get that at all from the reading (guy /girl difference)?

This latter part of the game is interesting because you want it to move more exclusive while he's hesitant on involving himself in another relationship. I'm sure he knows you're interested in being closer but he's got his Spartan Shield up against you.

I'll stick to my guns and still say you make the move and ask him about what he thinks about a relationship. He will reveal his concerns and if he sees you're supportive and patient. Maybe in turn will ease his doubts and fears of starting trying again through talking it out with his potential partner.

What about you, are you sure you want a "man" who is indecisive and shy? Are you the dominant type? It sounds like you are the one calling the shots while he just follows.

I know if I'm shy and un-confident it's because you've caught me at a time in my life where I'm not "running right." Maybe waiting the right decision to let him get his act together when he's better prepared and put together to handle a relationship?

Does this help?
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Question Asker He's definitely a good guy and very mannish (LOL). He says doesn't see himself as attractive. It's because he is losing his hair and only an inch taller than I am. I tell him I think he's handsome, funny, etc. His past rejections have really hurt his ego. - 8 months ago
Question Asker I'm not dominant at all. He's not a controller either. I don't want to manipulate. I just want to make it easier for him. Also, what subtleties should I watch for? He's a gentleman and acts accordingly. I am very ladylike. (Can you believe we're American?) - 8 months ago

That-Guy
2541  
That-Guy (Age:18 to 24)      When: 8 months ago
Most people on here are teens with "why doesn't he call me problems" but I am sufficient enough to help you.

He's obviously scared of getting hurt and rejected again. The mere fact that if you ask him out will boost his confidence immensely. I don't understand why it's so difficult for women to make the move besides the fact that YOU are the one in position to get hurt but if you insist on him making the move.

Try this:
You: "are there any good movies out?

Ya I want to see X movie"

"OH ya, me too.. Maybe we can see it sometime?

Ya, how about this Friday or something?

"Ya that sounds great."

Gives him the illusion he made the move all the while it was a controlled set-up.

All in all, he just needs to feel safe and like you've stated, you have been trying to do so.

In my opinion, stop wasting dating time and just ask him out. It won't hurt his manliness or anything, like you girls... we like someone else doing the work sometimes.
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Question Asker Well, some of the "opportunities" have been me inviting him over for lunch or supper, which he has accepted. Many times. We do stuff together all the time. It's the "taking it to the next level" thing. Thanks for the input you gave. - 8 months ago
 

What Girls Said

Life22
337  
Life22 (Age:18 to 24)      When: 7 months ago
Why don't you make the first move. It with help his self esteem more. I think It will give him a bigger boost of confidence if yo made it than if he made the move.
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Lesae
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Lesae (Age:36 to 45)      When: 8 months ago
Sounds like you are going to have to make the first move. He might just be that shy.
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xxxcravingsxxx
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xxxcravingsxxx (Age:18 to 24)      When: 8 months ago
I completely agree with That-Guy...maybe one day call him and ask if he would like to go for a drive because you are bored. I do believe that the more time you spend with them he will realize that you are interested. Especially a few outings that are instigated by you. I hope that either one of these responses helps you.
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Question Asker I wish we could afford those outings. Cooking at my place is the best either of us can do. Coming to my house is most private. (No, he isn't married. He cares for elderly father.) Things seem to be progressing. I just want to help without being too overt. - 8 months ago
 
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Does it ever annoy you that you're single?
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Yes, most of the time! I really wish I had a boyfriend/girlfriend!

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AlphaDawg (Age:18 to 24)

What pickup lines do you use to start a conversation with someone you are attracted to?
I don't really use pick up lines unless I am messing around. I introduce myself and start up a conversation. I try to let them do most of the talking if they seem to have a lot to say and I chime in when I have something worth while to say and to let them know I am paying attention to them.

How do they typically respond?
Either they're interested or they're not. We talk and go from there or we go our separate ways.

Do I have the right approach?