The Wingman

At the risk of revealing deeply held male secrets, I decided to open up and explain to her the concept and practice of the wingman. Honestly, I was hoping my candor would be rewarded with sex. It was Sunday afternoon, and we were just hanging out at my house. Afternoon sex was a rarity, but not beyond the realm of possibility if I played my cards right.

When a guy goes to a bar on Saturday night, the ultimate goal is to meet a fantastic girl who will be a great lover and companion forever. This almost certainly will not happen. The next acceptable outcome is to meet a hot one-night stand. This may not happen, either. Next on the list is any non-contagious, breathing female who is desperate and ready to go to bed with any similarly qualified male. There is some chance this may happen. The most likely possibility is that the guy will hang out with his guy friends, maybe talk to a couple of girls, and go home alone.

The absolute worst outcome, though, is that a guy will hang out by himself all night and look like a complete loser when the bar closes because he obviously came to score and failed. The wingman provides several essential services.

Companionship is important. No one wants to go to a bar and hang out alone. If there are no available women and the night is a washout, the two guys can pretend that it's really okay. There's nothing wrong with a guy going to a bar with his buddies, having a few beers, and watching the game. The most important thing is that a guy must never, ever appear to be looking for a hookup. Only losers advertise. The guys who score are the ones who act as though they couldn't care less.

Companionship is fine, but the goal is to score. Every guy knows that girls never, ever travel alone. If a girl is alone at a bar, beware. She is either a skank or she has a really vicious boyfriend who will come after you and beat your ass for touching his girl. Guys know that quality girls always travel in pairs. Guys also know that girls will never leave their girlfriend alone. The friend must be provided for.

Once available girls have been identified and a conversation initiated, the main challenge facing every guy and his wingman is The Separation of the Girls. The goal is to find a girl willing to be separated from her friend and then go home with the guy she has just met, or perhaps already knew but tonight he now seems attractive and available.

This means that the wingman will be left behind, which is entirely understood from the beginning. The wingman must have his own transportation home. Car, subway, cab, horse - it doesn't matter.

Here's the scenario. Two guys enter a bar. They spot two girls. The first task is to decide which guy will go after which girl. This is a crucial decision. The approach and pairing process must be effortless and seemingly inevitable. If one guy is short and stocky, and one girl is likewise short and stocky, the decision is easy. Unless your wingman happens to be Danny DeVito. In that case, Danny chooses whatever girl he wants. In rare instances, a perfect match will be made and all four will go home to someone's apartment and have sex all night and the next morning figure out where the cars are parked. This rarely happens (and I reassured my girlfriend that it never, ever happened to me). It is far more likely that one girl, hopefully your girl, will be interested in going home with you.

But she will never leave her girlfriend behind. The girlfriend must be taken care of. The girlfriend, because her cooperation is vital, must be treated with the highest respect and courtesy. Like a queen. If the girlfriend complains, or refuses to give her consent, the deal is in jeopardy.

A guy's wingman must be personable, handsome but not too handsome, trustworthy, and willing to entertain the number two choice while you pursue girl number one. A tall order, but a noble and time-honored tradition.

My girlfriend listened with great interest to my story. She then announced that my cynical machinations were appalling, and that she hoped I had never engaged in such predatory behavior. I protested that I was simply passing along stories that I had heard on the Jerry Springer show. We did not have sex that afternoon. Sometimes guys gamble and win, and sometimes we lose.