A very common question on this forum focuses on the statement "nice guys finish last". There are also questions around the related issue that I paraphrase as "jerks finish first". What surprises me the most about these issues is the relationship between the answers. The answers given by the affected guys and girls are utterly irreconcilable. In fact, I see more direct contrast on this issue than any other. Even hot button issues like feminism have far more gender crossover. Why is that?
(A side note: The expression "Nice guys finish last" was originally a misunderstanding. It was said by a commentator who described a baseball team as nice guys but also noted that they finishing last that year. The two thoughts were not meant to be connected. When the misquote was published it resonated with a lot of people.)
The female response I've seen to the issue is universal. They say that nice guys who complain about finishing last are bitter, that they are undatable yet feel entitled to get dates with attractive girls. In effect they think these guys really are losers who blame girls for their social failures. They say that such guys need to learn to be more assertive, confident and charming if they want a social life.
The response to the issue from the guys divides into two groups. One group echoes the girls almost exactly. Presumably, they don't identify with nice guys who finish last. I have yet to hear from a guy who was in that state but took the girls advice to become a social success story.
Another group of guys claim that nice guys finish last precisely because they are nice. They all seem to identify with this group. They claim that it's the jerks who always win girls. They also claim that girls ignore them because they don't behave the way that jerks do in dating situations.
I want to point out that while the term nice is applied equally to both genders, the term jerk is applied exclusively to guys. There is something distinctly male about jerks. I would say that a jerk has classically male traits such as assertiveness, confidence and taking charge taken to extremes. They are assertive to the point of being aggressive. Their confidence spills over into arrogance. Their take charge attitude becomes controlling. There is a fine line between an attractively assertive, confident and charming guy and a jerk.
I grant that there are attractive, assertive, confident and charming guys who are genuinely nice. But such guys are rare. If girls are holding out for them, they should expect a long wait. Likewise there are attractive girls who go for unattractive guys because they are particularly nice. Unattractive nice guys who are hold out for attractive girls can also expect a long wait.
Whenever two affected populations on a subject have diametrically opposing viewpoints, there is almost always some truth (and non-truth) to both sides. I will give my opinion of the truth that seems to be hidden in the two opposites.
First of all, so many girls think that nice guys who finish last are often bitter, there must be some truth to it. I certainly detect anger and frustration in some of their answers and comments which may come from bitterness. Further, I agree that really nice guys who are physically unattractive have no reason to feel that niceness entitles them to attention from attractive girls. How does anyone who is not attractive claim such entitlement? And if they are really so nice, why don't they date nice but unattractive girls?
On the other hand how can someone ask that these souls learn to be assertive, confident and charming? How does one change your nature? This is like asking unattractive girls to be more attractive. Or to ask jerks to stop being jerks. Yes there are practical steps that anyone can take to help with a shortcoming but ultimately you can only do so much with what you have to start with.
How do we bridge this chasm between two sets of opposing and self-contradictory perceptions and desires? I suggest that everyone try to meet the other side half-way. For nice guys this means doing what you can to become more attractive to girls. Take care of your appearance even if that is not a priority for you. Learn to be more outgoing and socially adept by getting out and interacting with people. Be willing to date really great girls who are not 10s; you will find that after you get to know them, they will become more attractive. Stop worrying what others will think about who you date. It's better than being alone. Also, take chances to ask nice girls out. 
Don't take it personally or get frustrated if they turn you down. This happens to everyone. Jerks, shrug it off and move to the next girl. As nice guys, the rejection will sting but it's not the end of the world. And for heaven's sake, don't get bitter about it! You would then lose the biggest advantage that you have in dating.
For the girls who have had enough of jerks, stop judging guys because they don't have the qualities that jerks have. Look for guys who are honest, caring and thoughtful. They tend to be more timid and less confident. They may also seem predictable and boring. If you want spontaneous and exciting go back to the jerks. They need girlfriends too. But stop complaining when jerks don't treat you as well as nice guys would. You can't have it both ways. Likewise, if honesty and compassion are priorities for you in a guy, consider dating those who are not the hottest guys around. Make it easier on those decent guys who lack social graces. This is not lowering your standards so much as shifting them.
By stretching yourself, putting aside your prejudices and being open to new possibilities, you will find many more options in the dating world.
(A side note: The expression "Nice guys finish last" was originally a misunderstanding. It was said by a commentator who described a baseball team as nice guys but also noted that they finishing last that year. The two thoughts were not meant to be connected. When the misquote was published it resonated with a lot of people.)
The female response I've seen to the issue is universal. They say that nice guys who complain about finishing last are bitter, that they are undatable yet feel entitled to get dates with attractive girls. In effect they think these guys really are losers who blame girls for their social failures. They say that such guys need to learn to be more assertive, confident and charming if they want a social life.
The response to the issue from the guys divides into two groups. One group echoes the girls almost exactly. Presumably, they don't identify with nice guys who finish last. I have yet to hear from a guy who was in that state but took the girls advice to become a social success story.
Another group of guys claim that nice guys finish last precisely because they are nice. They all seem to identify with this group. They claim that it's the jerks who always win girls. They also claim that girls ignore them because they don't behave the way that jerks do in dating situations.
I grant that there are attractive, assertive, confident and charming guys who are genuinely nice. But such guys are rare. If girls are holding out for them, they should expect a long wait. Likewise there are attractive girls who go for unattractive guys because they are particularly nice. Unattractive nice guys who are hold out for attractive girls can also expect a long wait.
Whenever two affected populations on a subject have diametrically opposing viewpoints, there is almost always some truth (and non-truth) to both sides. I will give my opinion of the truth that seems to be hidden in the two opposites.
First of all, so many girls think that nice guys who finish last are often bitter, there must be some truth to it. I certainly detect anger and frustration in some of their answers and comments which may come from bitterness. Further, I agree that really nice guys who are physically unattractive have no reason to feel that niceness entitles them to attention from attractive girls. How does anyone who is not attractive claim such entitlement? And if they are really so nice, why don't they date nice but unattractive girls?
On the other hand how can someone ask that these souls learn to be assertive, confident and charming? How does one change your nature? This is like asking unattractive girls to be more attractive. Or to ask jerks to stop being jerks. Yes there are practical steps that anyone can take to help with a shortcoming but ultimately you can only do so much with what you have to start with.
"There is a fine line between an attractively assertive, confident and charming guy and a jerk"As for the guys, I find it irrefutable that a lot of girls, especially attractive girls, repeatedly date jerks. I would not argue that they recognize them as jerks at first, but it doesn't change the fact that they are jerks. Whenever I hear a girl complain that all men are jerks, I assume that she is particularly attracted to jerks. Clearly not all men are jerks. And if girls are unwilling to date unattractive guys who are the opposite of jerks, they really can't complain about the guys they choose instead. It's like when guys only dating extremely attractive, well-dressed girls and then complain that they are vain.
How do we bridge this chasm between two sets of opposing and self-contradictory perceptions and desires? I suggest that everyone try to meet the other side half-way. For nice guys this means doing what you can to become more attractive to girls. Take care of your appearance even if that is not a priority for you. Learn to be more outgoing and socially adept by getting out and interacting with people. Be willing to date really great girls who are not 10s; you will find that after you get to know them, they will become more attractive. Stop worrying what others will think about who you date. It's better than being alone. Also, take chances to ask nice girls out.
For the girls who have had enough of jerks, stop judging guys because they don't have the qualities that jerks have. Look for guys who are honest, caring and thoughtful. They tend to be more timid and less confident. They may also seem predictable and boring. If you want spontaneous and exciting go back to the jerks. They need girlfriends too. But stop complaining when jerks don't treat you as well as nice guys would. You can't have it both ways. Likewise, if honesty and compassion are priorities for you in a guy, consider dating those who are not the hottest guys around. Make it easier on those decent guys who lack social graces. This is not lowering your standards so much as shifting them.
By stretching yourself, putting aside your prejudices and being open to new possibilities, you will find many more options in the dating world.
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