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Emotional Baggage: Can We Really Get Rid Of It?
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I am so often inspired by the questions, answers and comments on GIRLS ASK GUYS and in the case of this article, I have to say that that I was especially moved to write. This time, the idea of emotional baggage entered the arena, and with it, sexism reared its ugly head once again.
It began with a story I wrote about feminine suppression of natural sex instincts. At one point in the article, I mentioned how men tend to value virgins even though, most women won't be virgins anymore. I received a comment from a highly intelligent gentleman, whom I have always enjoyed reading. However, he wrote a comment that astounded me. According to him, men want virgin's because they are more loyal and men didn't have to pay for the "mistakes" of past boyfriends.
I chuckled at myself as I recalled at least three separate occasions where virgins left their guys because they wanted to experience life and the guy was all they had ever known. In other words, a virgin may, and most often will, leave when she wants to taste and experience other flavors. On the other hand, Ms Experienced Woman may be battle scarred, but she has seen the world, and by the time she settles down, she knows what she wants and why because of it. Heck, I came to my marriage, "experienced", but I was always extremely loyal (although I got cheated on), and still believe strongly in monogamy and eternal love.
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Fidelity depends on the character of the woman, not whether she is a virgin or not. And yes, women carry emotional baggage from their travels, but I would also like to point out that men are just as guilty, and according to other men, even more vicious after being hurt in relationships. A guy friend once told me that this is primarily due to the fact that it takes so much more for a man to fall in love, so his wound is often deeper.
I don't know about the truth of that, but I have seen some severe fallouts from men that were hurt in love. Case in point, I once encountered a man who took great pride in playing women and breaking their hearts, so much so, he bragged about it a lot! When I asked him why he was being such a jerk, he said, "I got hurt once and so I was like, screw all those (rhymes with witches), I'll cheat on them and do them dirty like my girl did me!"
I told him that his response was immature and reactionary, and only kept the cycle of pain in relationships going, but he didn't care. All and all, I think it was, as most reactions to pain are, fear of being caught up again, harmed and tricked so he was going to be the one with the power and control. Very sad.
Another man I knew had a mother who abused him and an ex wife from hell who was a lot like dear old mom (go figure). Instead of trying to educate himself on how to fix his broken psyche, or explore why he made the choices he did, he decided all women were evil and wanted to make them pay.
Being an intelligent, handsome and accomplished man, he was able to put on a very charming facade initially, but once he had a woman where he wanted her, the mental torment he put them through was almost criminal. I know of at least three females who needed actual psychiatric counseling after dating him, he was so cruel and punishing. So please, men do the same thing. Men have baggage and tend to make women pay for stuff their ex psycho gal pals did to them in the past as do some women who have been hurt.
We are all warriors of love wars, and men and women alike carry battle scars and baggage, in fact, the people I am most afraid of are the ones who say they don't have any. Baggage is a byproduct of living life if you get out there on that big psychedelic playground, you will get a few skinned knees period. No matter how charmed a life we have lived, none of us escape emotional pain. It is the very nature of existence. The trick is to not let baggage weigh you down. Acknowledge your scars and what they have to teach you as opposed to getting angry and lashing out at the world like hellcats.
I am reminded of a guy I know who used to be a daredevil as a kid. Every so often he would point at a scar and say with fond remembrance, "I got this one when I made a go cart out of wood and wagon wheels and rolled nonstop down dead man's hill!"
I am sure at the time of that scar's creation he wasn't proud or happy at all. He was probably in a ton of pain, and during the healing process, he probably kicked himself a million times for doing something so stupid. But years later when he saw that scar, all he could recall was the fun he had careening down that blasted hill. This is how we should view our own emotional scars, by what we were able to learn and take from them.
Our baggage never truly leaves us; we just have to shift it from being a three piece Louis Vitton luggage set with wheels, to simple carry on. Our baggage holds our experiences, good and bad, and is what makes us all so wonderfully flawed and so wonderfully human. Do we ever get rid of baggage completely? Completely? No. Perhaps that's a good thing.
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