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| Posted 7 months ago |
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Comments 18 |
Category Sexuality |
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From the Mind of a Male Virgin Waiting
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Disclaimer: First off, before anyone says, I don't want to hear a sermon; I'm not going to bring up religion in anyway. I'm not a preacher and your religious beliefs are yours to choose. Second, I'm not writing for people to agree with me, and I don't care if people disagree with me. I'm writing my view, based on my opinion. What those who read this choose to think after reading it is up to them. I'm simply giving one opinion.
Intro: I've read several questions on here about waiting or not waiting to have sex. I've answered a lot of them too, anonymously, and read a lot of answers. I thought about some of the arguments I've read for not waiting, and decided Id provide a counter argument. Why? Well because a one-sided argument is like a one-way street, you're only going to go one direction. I thought I'd also put down my reasons for my choice as a whole argument as well.
What are the arguments you get for not waiting and the counter argument:
Argument 1) Everyone else is doing it!
Counter Argument 1) I shouldn't have to really counter this one, but since its one you hear often I thought I best be thorough and include it. I hate to say it, but that line we hear from our parents is true. If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it too? But there's more to it than that. Saying everyone else is doing it is also wrong. Not everyone else is doing it. You keep being bombarded that everyone else is doing it from the media and from others, but that doesn't mean it's true. If everyone else was doing it then there wouldn't be any virgins ever because as soon as a person could the person would lose their virginity. And even if it was true, so what? Who cares what everyone else is doing? It isn't everyone else living your life. You're living your life. So what you do with your life is your choice. That's why it's your life!
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Argument 2) I don't want my friends to make fun of me or laugh at me.
Counter Argument 2) I'll admit that I can understand why this is said. No one wants to be made fun of or laughed at. However, laughing at someone who is a virgin is no different from laughing at a person because he or she likes pizza. It's wrong. Laughing at a person regardless of why makes the person or people laughing a jerk/jerks. Who gives a flying rats tail what a jerk thinks? The only reason the jerk is doing it is so he or she can get power over you by making you feel bad and thus make them feel good. If you don't give in and don't let the jerk hurt you, you take away the jerks power and then the jerk can't win. If this jerk was your friend, find a real friend. Real friends wouldn't laugh at you.
Argument 3) I'm horny!
Counter Argument 3) There are other ways besides sex to relieve being horny. The first thing you have to do is get away from whatever is causing you to be horny, if that's possible. If it isn't then try to think of something else to force your mind off the problem. The next thing you do is further distract yourself. Go run, go do something creative, or go play a video game. If worse comes to worse go take a cold shower. It'll be pretty hard to be really horny when you're freezing cold.
Argument 4) But I'm REALLY HORNY!
Counter Argument 4) Well again you don't have to have sex to deal with it. Other options exist and we all should know what those are.
Argument 5) The other option isn't as good as sex.
Counter Argument 5) If this is your only excuse then you're looking at sex as solely a way to have a physical pleasurable experience. As I said in one of my answers, if you go about having sex solely for the physical pleasure, it's like just eating candy all the time. Yeah candy is good, but it isn't healthy. The enjoyment of candy comes solely during eating it and it's over. Having sex purely for the physical pleasure of it means you have it, and it's over. What do you get after it's over? Well you could claim memories of how much you enjoyed it, but really you're left empty. Sex can be more than just the physical pleasure. It can be a physical bond between the two people having it. A-R-Norman wrote an amazing article called Making Love Versus Having Sex. I hope she doesn't mind, but I strongly recommend your read it.
Argument 6) Having sex the first times isn't all that good. Why not get it over with?
Counter Argument 6) Again you are looking at sex solely as a physical experience. Yeah, the first time may SUCK, but think about it like this. Since you only get one first time would you rather have it be with some stranger/random person/someone you care about but aren't really in love with or have it be with someone you love and care about and who feels the same way about you? You can look back on your first time and say, Yeah it wasn't all the great, but I loved the guy/girl, and I'm happy with my partner now. Or you can look at it and say, Yeah, I lost it to a jerk and it sucked. You may not be able to make it the best sex you're ever going to have, but you can at least look back on the memory as something more than a sucky experience you didn't enjoy and may have negative feelings about the person you had it with. If it was me, I'd rather have my first time have a positive memory associated with it since it's something I'll probably remember my whole life.
Argument 7) Wont you regret not having sex if you were to die tomorrow?
Counter Argument 7) Well this is actually the argument that really got me thinking. Why would I care if I never had sex if I was dead? I'd be dead! Regretting I never had sex would be like regretting I never went to Europe or got to go scuba diving in the Caribbean. Neither of those two things are things that not having mean my life was any less for not having done them. Moreover, they are things that only last a short time and afterwards you're only left with the memories. Why would I regret something so finite? You want to know what Id regret if I were to die tomorrow? I'd regret never being in love and having someone love me. Love is eternal. It isn't something that's 15 minutes, 30 minutes, one hour, or even one night. It doesn't end. And if I did have sex just to have it, then I'd also regret looking back on my life and realizing I lost my virginity just for the sake of having fun.
My arguments for waiting:
Why wait? What benefit do you get from waiting? -- Well, I can't speak for anyone but myself, but I will give my opinions.
I'm waiting for love. As I stated, sex isn't just physical. Sex is between two people and there's an emotional aspect that goes along with it. One of the questions I've read asked if you could have sex with a person for a long period of time and not develop feelings for the person. The majority of the answers were the person could NOT just have sex with the same person for extended period of time without some feeling developing. When you have sex with someone and let in the emotions and the intimacy, you are making love. When it's over it isn't just over. There's a stronger bond between the two people. There's that afterglow and time together holding each other. (I've heard about this from some people I know, since yes obviously I wouldn't have experienced it.)
Then there's the fact it's my first time. As you get older, you lose so many firsts you don't have much control over. I have control over this first. Therefore, I can have a chance to make it something worth remembering and not look back on it as a mistake. I've read an answer that said your first time wasn't that special. As I stated in my answer to that same question, if you don't think your first time is special then none of those big milestone birthdays are special, 16th, 18th, or 21st, and are just another day in your life or another birthday with no importance beyond that. I want to be able to look back on my first time and know it was with someone I love. Know it wasn't something I gave up because I was tired of waiting, or gave into pressure, or anything else. Now this doesn't mean I'm holding on to it because of my religious beliefs or because I'm a prude.
OK, but what's the point of waiting till marriage? I can see why to wait until it's with someone you love and care about, but why marriage? -- This is probably the most complicated answer to explain, but I'll do my best.
I believe a relationship takes time to develop. I've had two relationships in my life so far. Both were online and considerably short, but I learned something from both. The first was when I was 14 and it lasted 6 months. Looking back on it I've realized even though I was claiming I was in love, it wasn't love. I didn't know what love was. I hadn't been in any relationship to compare this one to and just figure it was love. What it really was a silly teenage infatuation. My second relationship was probably the one I learned the most from, it certainly was the one I got hurt the most from. I was 21 this time and it lasted 5 and a half months. I was depressed, tired of being alone, hurting, and confused at the time of this relationship's start. It wasn't until it ended that I realized how horribly bad the relationship was. It ended when I found out the woman was lying to me about every aspect of her life. (Her age, her name, her personal life, being married, having kids, her job, etc.) She led me around like a dog on a leash, and I believed her. Why? Simple. I was so hurt at the time that I genuinely thought I was in love. I was too blinded to see the reality of the situation because I so desperately wanted to be in love and not be alone. Yeah, I ended up getting hurt and I'm still alone. But I no longer have those blinders on. I'm not going to make the same mistake twice.
So what does this have to do with anything at all? Well simple. From these two experiences, I've learn not to rush in and to let the feeling really develop. Now this doesn't mean I won't make a mistake. And that's the big issue here. If I just say I'm waiting to lose my virginity to someone I love, and then go out and rush to find a person I love, I'm rushing out with blinders on. I may be claiming I'm looking for love, but I'm looking for sex with the guise of love. I want to make sure that it really is love. I don't want to go looking for someone to love simply because it will mean I get to have sex. Therefore, I'm going to go looking for love and let sex stay in the closet till later. This way when I find love, I've increased my chances it really is true love.
Going back to when I said people have a hard time not feeling something for a person who they've had sex with over a long period of time, there's one other point to be made. Depending on the situation, the feelings you're feeling may or may not be what you really think they are. Sometimes you think you feel like you're in love, but it's some feeling disguising itself to trick you. This is what I learned from my second attempt at a relationship. If I were to have sex with someone and develop feelings for the person the feelings may be love, or they may not be. If I leave sex out of the equation, I know the feelings I have are genuine.
Ah, but you still haven't said why wait till marriage. All you've really said is don't rush. Yes, you are correct.
When I've found love in my relationship and know it's real love, I'm going to ask the woman I'm with to marry me. I don't plan to drag out the engagement for an extended period. However, engagements take the relationship to a slightly different level than just dating. The relationship should grow in new ways. I don't want sex to cloud any part of that growth. So since I waited all this time, why not wait till after the wedding and give the relationship that time to strengthen. And to me it again is another measure to say, I'm really serious about making sure it's with the person I want to be with and who I love with all my heart. There'd be no doubt that I didn't let sex get in the way of my feelings or my thoughts.
Final Note: For those wondering, I'm 24 years old and heading towards 25. I'm not a writer, and so I apologize for any errors or confusion in any of my writing.
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