He just wants to be friends?

[Lost-Girl]

This guy says he likes me, but he just wants to be friends. He finds me attractive, we have fun when we spend time together, he's even introduced me to his family and friends, but his big problem is that we work together. His friends and family treat us like we're practically married. They assume we're a couple, or that we are going to be a couple. He sometimes hints towards a relationship, and then he backs away. My friends are telling me to 'kick him to the curb', because he's so flippy floppy with his behaviour. They also tell me I'm better looking than he is, but he's attractive to me, and I find what they say kind of mean. Anyway, he's been hurt in past relationships with girls he's worked with and says he just wants to be friends. He also said that we should date other people and see what's out there.but I'm not really sure he means it because he gets weird and upset when I went to this singles thing (that was canceled by the way) or when I show genuine interest in someone else, but at the same time he tells me that I am entitled to do what I want. I've been in a past relationship where I tried to remain friends but I couldn't do it. I also became emotional and started crying when this guy said he wanted to start dating.mostly because of my past experience, fear, jealousy. Trust me, I didn't want to start crying, but I didn't know where it came from. I assumed our friendship was heading towards a relationship. There's definitely an attraction/connection between us because we've been playing this game for over a year now. My fear is that he finds someone else, and I'm left alone. I don't have the best luck when it comes to relationships, and I guess I just want to know if holding on to him is the right thing to do. Is there anyone out there that was in a situation like mine, but ended up with that person?

Updates

+1 y

Or any advice?

[Anonymous]

Hi, you asked me to look at your "problem" when you responded to something I said on another question, so I guess I will do my best. Well, I would say that you are in a really tough situation, but I can relate, because I'm in the same boat, but in his shoes, instead of yours. I can try to give you advice from his perspective which I hope helps.

Well, his main issue is "fear of rejection," and his second main issue is "confusion," which are both things that are tough to work through if you are the one going through them, but also tough on the other end to have to deal with the guy who's got these issues. The girl I love right now is in the same situation as you are.

The advice my girl gave me was that I need to push through the fear and also that if I'm feeling these things, that I need to talk about them and be honest. At first, I told her that I didn't think I could, but then I told her that she was right.

However, there are other issues that are deeper in my heart, such as pain that is triggered sometimes either when I'm with her or when I think about losing her. It's a pain from the past I think that has not been healed. I went through this with my last girlfriend too. She ended up giving up trying with me. I guess that neither of us was ready for a relationship.

Something that has really helped me with the girl that I like now, is that she has been taking the initiative in pursuing me, which has helped to ease the past pain of rejection for me and to know that she really does like me. Both of us have dated other people, also, as you mentioned with your guy. However, we both are only attracted to each other, which makes me feel really stupid when I think about it, because, it's like, if we only have eyes for each other, why are we off with someone else? Why aren't we working through our issues?

I think that the main thing with this guy is that you both want to be with each other, so maybe you could have a talk with him, like my girl did with me, and tell him that you know how painful being in a relationship is for him right now, but that you know that the two of you only want to be with each other, and ask him if he is willing to work through the pain with you. It may show him that you do care and that you aren't rejecting him and that you haven't given up on him. Something else that I've had to deal with is giving up on myself because other people have in the past. Of course, I know that I can't do stupid things and just ask her to keep forgiving me, but I guess she knows that I really am trying but that it's also really hard. Her pursuing me and being the one to initiate things helps me with that too. However, I don't have the energy to try to do much of anything in return except to just respond to her love, which is all she seems to really want right now anyway, and which I'm grateful for. At any rate, I don't know if any of this helps, but I hope so! Good luck! :)

[Lost-Girl]

I don't know why he would have a fear of rejection, because I show that I care about him. I'm sure he realizes that. But I don't know why he's so hot and cold. He says we should keep our distance, but he keeps inviting me to do stuff with him and his friends. Sometimes I just pursue him, but he'll just push me away. Lately when he does that, when I try to talk about it he'll just make it clear we're friends, so I've taken the attitude of just saying fine, and he pulls me in back in so to say

[Opinion Owner]

Well, one thing that you could do that might work is to just give him his space then and let him decide what he wants from you - a friendship or a relationship (or both). Maybe he needs time to figure it out. His fear of rejection is probably not from you - it may be from the past. The hot & cold thing normally means that he wants to but is afraid, so he pulls back. I think he wants to be friends with you first and see where it goes. He may feel rushed or pressured.

[Lost-Girl]

Thanks! I kind of have this 'friendship' under control...at least in my mind. know for a fact that he will not change his mind about dating someone at work, so the best I can do is be his friend without pushing a relationship. Now that I look back, I was kind of pushing for a relationship and he pushed me away by telling me to date I think. He tells me he's not interested in dating, and we spend time together. I gues all I can do is be his friend and see where it goes and hope for the best.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah, it sounds like he may be commitment-phobic, so I guess you've got the right idea! Good luck!

[pwl0lwp]

having a relationship go bad when you work together is not a good thing.

what would happen if one of you worked elsewhere? have you put that to him? could you find a job elsewhere & are you willing to take that step if that's what it would take?

it sounds like he's fairly keen on you if he gets upset when you go to a singles thing.

taking work out of the equation is the only thing I can suggest.

[Lost-Girl]

I would have to wait, or he would have to wait to put in a transfer which can only be done certain months. There weren't good oppenings so neither of us has left yet. He doesn't really make any long term promises I've noticed, but haven't either. It's hard to do that when it comes to your career, which is why I'm semi-understanding of his excuses. He keeps his distance, but still shows he cares (when he wants too). It's frustrating...I just want him to care all the time.

[SexGod1]

Maybe just give him his space for now, but respond when he tries to take this initiative so he will know that it is something that you like for him to do.

[Lost-Girl]

Thanks :)