My boyfriend doesn't trust me.

[Anonymous]

We've been together for nearly 4 years now and still he has issues trusting me. He believes I cheat on him. I have never and would never cheat on him. Cheating is one of the most vile things you could do to someone you love. I don't even flirt with other guys.

I recently found out that he put a keylogger on my computer. I found a piece of paper where he had all my passwords written down. He's seen everything I've done online, none of which that would have even remotely suggested I was doing naughty things behind his back, as I wasn't. He also goes through my phone all the time. It pisses me off, but I have nothing to hide so I let him without complaining too much.

He has a friend who crashes at our place for a few days here and there. My boyfriend accuses me of having sex with his friend because he has to go to bed early and I stay up late, as does his friend. I sit on the couch with my laptop while his friend plays xbox. Real hot and heavy stuff there. He has this idea in his head that as soon as he goes to bed we start going at it. I feel like I may even be making myself look guilty now by trying to avoid his friend to prove I have no interest in him.

I just don't understand why after all these years I'm still having to deal with this bullsh*t. It's hurtful, and really annoying having things like personal conversations I have through texting email and facebook invaded constantly. My boyfriend claims he's never been cheated on before, so I'm not sure what would trigger this type of behavior. I love him to death but I'm not sure how much more of this crap I can deal with! Help!

[Ozanne]

Ask yourself this: Can you keep doing this and being treated this way for the rest of your life? If the answer is an honest no, then get out of this. You don't have a boyfriend, you have a third parent!

My problem is this, you can't do anything about this because it's out of your hands. Your boyfriend needs to know that this is YOUR relationship too, and being treated like a child who needs to be babysat is not the kind of relationship you want to be in. So he either cuts the crap or you walk. I have been IN this situation and I have had friends in this situation and I can tell you that sometimes it means the guy is cheating or has cheating tendencies too and wants to fault-find anything he can in you to justify his actions, OR he is simply an insecure louse who has no respect for you or this relationship. (Myself, I had one of each situation. Both cases, the guys were insecure no matter what.)

Right now you are showing signs of enabling his problem. You avoid his friend and you let him go through your phone. Time to stop this. He is stunting your social life and treating you as if you are already guilty of something. He's trying so hard to prevent it that it's killing anything good you might have together. Ask him simply why he's with you if he's that suspicious. What is it about a cheating woman that he is trying to hang on to so hard for? And if he comes back with something like he's trying to prevent it from happening, tell him that YOUR business is to prevent it from happening, not his.

Honestly, some people should NOT get in to relationships if they can't figure this stuff out - but that's a whole other issue. My concern is your happiness because I really do feel for you.

I would tell him that things are going to change as of today and he isn't going to like it. But given that you have been accommodating in every way to enable his problem to continue, you're going to stop it cold turkey by putting a passcode on your phone, and as for your computer, if you must, reformat it and put a user password on it. Tell him that you are no longer going to live your life under the presumptions that make you out to be a cheating girlfriend and it stops today.

I'd even suggest some couples therapy since you two have invested four years together, it's somewhat like a marriage now. HE needs counselling, and you would be there as support. Ask him if he'll go. If he starts denying all of these suggestions, ask him if he's got better ones and see if you agree..

[Ozanne]

Bottom line is, do you want to go five years together being treated like a child that needs to be watched? Six years? Ten? I'd stop this immediately and see if he's game for some changes. You've already put up with enough garbage to appease him and it's still not getting anywhere. Time for things to be fair so that you can get through this and he can start looking forward, not backward and you can have a healthier relationship.

[kristyle]

I understand what you mean about never cheating on anyone. I would never ever do that to someone either. It does not sound like cheating will ultimately break you two up, sounds like it is his insecurities that will do it in,if he doesn't stop. I couldn't live like that for much longer, tip-toeing on egg shells and being accused of anything, especially when I haven't done anything. I would go crazy! You need to have a serious talk with him. Just take a moment and let him know you seriously want to talk with him. From there let him know that you would never cheat on him that you love him, etc and it hurts/bothering you that he is accusing you and checking up on you all the time. Just have a serious talk with him about how you feel. He is definitely very insecure. Was he hurt in the past? Definitely not normal behavior.

[Jocelyn2010]

I guess he has a mental issue without wanting to offend him. Either he has been cheated on before or he has cheated on someone, so he has to watch you or he has heard a lot of cheating stories from others. Because otherwise I don't understand his behavior. From my personal experience I know it is difficult to deal with someone like that. The only thing is to assure him over and over again that you love him and would never cheat on him and that you think cheating is immoral and you would never do something like that. But after so many years of being together with you he should already know you better and trust you. So, just try to be available for him so he does not think you are cheating whenever you don't answer the phone. I hope I could help you with this.

[TwinStarBMC]

Very simple. He is incurably insecure, and your relationship will not laast. I'm sorry.

After 4 years, why have you stayed with him this long, after all the repeated accusations? I'd like to beliieve he has some sort of redeeming quality, but honestly, if he has driven you to seek help in forums such as these, I am finding it difficult to believe.

You can try couples' counseling, if you wish, but I have a feeling he'd never agree. My suggestion, as diddicult as it may be? Leave him. Better to end it on your terms now, than on his terms whenever.

Best of luck.

[watcher617x]

i have to disagree - he needs PERSONAL counselling not couples type. you must really love him to put up with all that but its very unhealthy , it will hurt you

[tom-tom-traveler]

I have seen female friends who've had to deal with obsessive guys like this before. Unfortunately, in 100% of the cases, they've had to divorce/walk away from the guy in order to bring some kind of sanity back to their own lives. Chances are you will have to do the same, despite how much you claim that you love him.

Just be glad that he's not the type who gets violent when he feels you're lying to him. By the sound of things, your guy isn't far from being that way already...

Good luck!

[Treisha]

my boyfriend says the same thing "i can't trust girls, I can't trust girls, I can't trust girls!" but I discovered that that is a 'defence mechanism' he uses to keep from being hurt. they are guys on the outside but little boys on the inside with insecurities like we girls do. he's joking about you sleeping with his friend because if reali wanted to prove it, he would just spy and get you guys redhanded in the act + he would have broken up with you already... you just have to relax and let him trust and tell you that he does on his own terms. goodluck

[dave216]

You might not like my answer. He likely has these suspicions about you, because he feels himself capable of the behavior he is watching you for. Also, I would not tolerate such behavior from a mate. It seems at some point you need to tell him you have had enough. He needs to trust you or get out, his choice.

[blacklagoon]

he may have cheated on you and now feels guilty and is deflecting it onto you, but if he didn't then he is super controling and needs help, youve been dating nearly 4 years that mistrust is supposed to be gone way before now. I would ceriously think long and hard about continuing that relationship if he doesn't try and change.

[shadypridy]

what your boyfriend is doing is called projection, so he either is a cheater, and he is thinking that you are too, or he has abandonment issues and that's his way of insuring that you stay with him, you just have to confront him about his past, and to know if he is lying just ask him to tell you how many girls he had with names of course than ask him to say them backwards,

[Mustang-guy09]

Jealousy issues don't go away! He won't change! You definately must be a catch because he is very worried of losing you to cheating...you have to get out of that relationship whether it's a restraining order or you leave peacefully...I'm pretty sure you'll need a restraining order because if he's so crazy when you're doing nothing then he'll be irate when you try to leave! Not a way to live sweety...good luck!

[kkandbb]

I think that once trust is questioned it's just downhill from there unfortunately. You'll end up resenting him for being unable to trust you, you may even start pulling away, the pulling away will cause him to question you even more etc etc

[SublimeDavid]

Abusive relationship, get out of it now, no one should have to go through this and I went through something like this with my ex who didn't trust me.

[Babz_z]

One of two (or both): 1. He's had an experience of being cheated on before 2. He ALREADY cheated on you.

[ihatework]

he's the definition of insecure and it doesn't sound like talking about it would change things. personally I wouldn't put up with what you're going thru.

[Minxxe]

accusers are generally paranoid about being cheated on because they do the cheating themselves and can't help judging you by their own low standards.

check his phone and messages.

[AndyWes]

He sounds kinda psychotic. And a rule of thumb is--if someone is afraid that you're doing or going to do something, they might be doing it themselves.

[Anonymous]

maybe its his own guilty conscience. When a person cheats, they tend to feel guilty themselves...

[Anonymous]

something about your history, or something that happened to him before.

[Anonymous]

Can y'all help me out im engaged with my boyfriend and people been making up stories and im afraid my boyfriend don't trust me like i trust him

[Anonymous]

He's insecure.