My parents have lied to me my whole life?

[joy1819]

My dad just sprung this on me three weeks ago. He said he was married once before my mom. He met a woman in Germany while he was over there in the army and when he came home, he sent back for her to join him in the US. He has two children from his first marriage. Both children are in their 40s and the son even has two children of his own. His daughter is two months younger than I am and they just had a son a little over a year and a half ago. So my dad is already a grandpa...

My mom didn't want us to know, he said. But they're divorcing now, so I guess he thought it was okay to tell me this? I can't tell my mom because she'll be furious and I can't talk to my little sister about it because I don't want her to have to deal with this. I don't know what to do. I want to hate my dad, I do. It hurts to be lied to. To find out I'm his third kid, second daughter...so maybe I'm not that special after all? I was supposed to be a twin, but my twin brother was stillborn which devastated my mom. Dad says that when I was born, his son came to visit us and see me, but Mom answered the door and asked him what the hell he was doing there and he angrily left. I can't blame my mom too much... she'd just lost her own son and here dad's son shows up... I'm less angry at mom for wanting to keep it a secret, but still just angry a bit at everyone.

Dad wanted to show me pictures of my half-siblings and his grandson, but I told him I didn't want to see them yet. He was all excited, talking about visiting them and getting to know them... I'm still trying to process and cope with the information! I feel like I never want to see him again, let alone his first family...

What am I supposed to do with this info? How do I move on? I know I should forgive him for lying to me my whole life, but I guess I'm just not there yet. Advice?

[teuton]

He never lied to you. He never said: " Hey pumpkin I just want to let you know I LOVE you so much and I don't have a second family in Germany".

You feel like sh*t but you are making the same decision to not tell your little sister, and it is the right decision, but she will find out in 5 years and say "You're my sister why didn't you tell me?"

Your dad is not going to them. He is still your Dad and he will not make you get to know them. Just clearly say: " Dad, I'm not happy about this. I do not want to know any more about your other family and I want nothing to do with them. You should make this clear to them because if they try to contact me or if you mention them to me again I'm going to scratch your eyes out"

NB: replace " scratch your eyes out" with whatever it is girls say to people to show they are angry about something. The first thing that came to mind was Sex on birthdays only, but that is a pretty gross thing to say in this situation.

Ok that was a nasty joke but you forgot about this mess for a bit didn't you.

[sikoo31]

sometimes people think they're doing the right thing when they lie. tho I'm completely against lying, I can't blame your parents too much for hiding it. these kind of things can cause deep insecurities in young children, they must have been trying to protect you.

and think about this, do you think they just went, "eh, I'd rather not tell her"? cause things like that, people don't just decide like that. they must have had tons of conversations about it, talked about it for hours. they must have really put some thought into this decision. so I think they were probably thinking they were doing what was best for you.

and you can't be too mad at someone who's really trying to look out for you, can you?

[Anonymous]

There's a huge difference between lying and not telling you something. Did you ever think that maybe he wanted to tell you but your mother forbade him to? The fact he was excited about showing you pictures of your siblings and wanted you to meet them suggests to me he's been wanting to tell you about them for awhile.

There's always two different sides to every story. Maybe you should talk about this to your mother and find out what she has to say about it?

I can understand you're feeling hurt but at the end of the day you've only got one father and unless he abused you physically or emotionally or wasn't apart of your life, I'd say cut him some slack. He's told you everything now and all you can do is move forward.

I think another important thing to do is tell your sister, because when she ends up finding out you, your mother and father all knew about it and didn't tell her, she's going to bell feeling just like you do right now.

I hope this helps.

[Anonymous]

The same thing happened to me when I was 13. I was at my grandfather's funeral and someone came up to my mom and said, "I haven't seen you since your first wedding!" I was so upset and shocked I ran out and started sobbing. I later found out my dad had been married before, and they had me before they were married-before my dad's divorce was finalized. I know how you feel, and honestly the pain this has caused me still affects me to this day. I recommend getting therapy, I needed and probably still need it. I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I hate to say I know the exact feeling.

[Hyped_up_on_coffee]

I'm sorry but you should forgive your dad with time as maintaining a grudge isn't good for you considering he loves you very much, just take it slow

[Anonymous]

" I can't talk to my little sister about it because I don't want her to have to deal with this" <-- they didn't want you to deal with it too.

I'm really sorry your going through this, I'm sure its a very difficult time.