Why have I never been asked out?

[Anonymous]

I'm 21 and have never been asked out. I used to be very confident but I'm not at all anymore. I'm smart, go to uni and actively participate in student organizations as well as take part in social work. I love having good discussions and always take genuine interest in listening to the person I'm talking to.

I'm petite and I constantly get compliments about being pretty but I don't even think looks have anything to do with the fact that I have NEVER been asked out. But yes I get compliments from so many guys, yet they still wouldn't date me.

I am extremely easy-going, fun, social and love going out. I can act crazy with people and have a pretty good sense of humor. I'm modest and humble at the same time; my parents have brought me up with etiquette so I know how to act in different social settings.

I do of course have my flaws, I don't flirt enough because I feel dismissed by guys quite easily but I do smile and talk easily so if a guy was interested, he would just dare to talk to me. However, no guy is ever interested in me. And some of my friends don't flirt at all but still get male attention and I do think a guy would flirt with me himself if he found me even a bit interesting but they never do!

I have initiated contact but never got anything out of it. One guy just lead me on so badly that I know for sure that I won't find love; I recently found out he actually has a girlfriend but I found out from his brother and he always let me believe something could end up happening.

I don't think I will ever find anyone; I used to believe that love will find me itself and when I least expect it but this belief has worn out after 3 years of nothing. I'm actually OK with that, surprisingly but I spend (literally use all my energy) wondering why it is that guys don't consider me datable or girlfriend material.

I don't even need a serious relationship, I am a virgin so a small hook up won't happen since I believe my first time should be with someone I am at least in a relationship with.

I am already 21 and even though people will say things like I'm a late bloomer blah blah...its just weird! In my culture its also the norm to get married young so by the time I'm 23, my parents are going to pressure me into finding someone or getting married. How can I find someone with a deadline of 2 years? I would just end up settling. This is one of the reasons I have realized that these things don't happen to everyone, I know people who just get married to someone they have met through their parents etc and I'm starting to think that's what I will have to go for since something is better than nothing right?

I have asked my friends what's wrong with me and they keep telling me nothing is but I have decided they probably just don't know what it is.

[QueenKatie]

Girl, this is 2009, not 1809! Why, oh why, are you waiting around for Prince Charming to ride along on his white charger, and drop love in your lap? This is the modern world, and we girls need to get out there and be a bit proactive about finding Mr Right!

First of all, don't despair. You're 21, not 91. You have loads of time ahead of you. I understand that the low average age at marriage in your culture is an additional pressure for you, but you must consider what's more important here: your ultimate happiness in a relationship, or pleasing your parents by running down the aisle with the first guy who looks remotely interested and then being unhappy for decades. I'm sure that your folks only want you to get married because they think you will be happier emotionally when you are with someone (and perhaps more stable financially too). Explain to them that you are looking, but that you absolutely insist on marrying a man you can love and respect, even if it means waiting an additional couple of years.

You're doing the right thing in initiating contact with guys. But simply talking to them isn't considered an unmixed signal these days -and thank God for it, too! Can you imagine if every time you spoke to a guy he assumed you wanted to sleep with him? Ugh! No, thankfully we have some equality these days, and we assume that men and woman can be effective colleagues and close friends without there being anything sexual involved. But the consequence of this is that the second stage after contact - FLIRTING! - has become more important as a means of sending signals that we are available and interested. And this is where, by the sounds of things, you lack confidence. I'm sure that the guys you see DO think that you're dateable and are actually interested. But you're sitting back, waiting for them to express it. And they're sitting back, looking for a clearer signal from you! Result: impasse!

I'd advise ramping your flirting style up a notch. I'm not saying you have to don shiny red leather boots and go parading around in a tiny rubber skirt (though this will certainly get you plenty of male attention! ;) ) I'm suggesting small changes that will signal just a bit more interest. You can do this partly with clothes (take the hemlines up a whisker, wear slightly sexier shoes, and slightly more dramatic make-up) but - more importantly - you need to move in more at an interpersonal level, demonstrating a bit more of a relationship-type interest in the guys you are meeting. You might impress a guy with your CV, qualifications and you indepth knowledge of the rights and wrongs of nuclear power, but unless you can get the conversation onto that personal and connected level, you're going to struggle! Don't let your lack of confidence win - assume that you're a pretty, vibrant, funny person who is great to be around, and that the guy who dates you will be lucky to have you, because that's the truth!

[jacquesvol]

I like your answer!! :)

[Anonymous]

Girl I'm a Mormon and I'm expected to be married young too. I am 22 and in your exact situation. I thought I was the only one. Guys are drawn to me and think I'm pretty, and girls hate me for it. I show interest back but they always end up dating someone else despite me showing them that I am interested. I am honestly at a loss for words with our situations. It is are so confusing and unfair, and makes absolutely no sense. I have asked my friends what is wrong with me and they say nothing but I have literally never had a crush that likes me enough to actually initiate a hang out. It hurts so bad. I am so sorry, and although we are often alone because of this unfair situation, know that I feel complete empathy for you and pray things work out for you.

[jacquesvol]

A difficult one, this question.

You don't tell us where you're from but your reference to culture ("In my culture its also the norm to get married young", "people who just get married to someone they have met through their parents") would lead me to think it's one where girls don't have that much liberties (I can be wrong there) and where people who see a guy and girl doing more than just talking expect marriage and ruin the girls reputation if it doesn't follow.

Of course this means that serious guys (the ones you're interested in probably) will only ask a girl out when they're prepared to engage themselves towards her and her family. And if she belongs to a group considered "good" by their family.

In clear: to choose themselves a partner, a girl or girl will have to get beyond social rules and tradition, which will create a conflict. And they will have to show to potential partners that they're ready to transgress the rules of their society.

IDK how thinkable/feasible it's in your country and family. Difficult to guess on the elements you mention: Morocco, India, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Mexico, IDK?

It might not be feasible in the families of the guys you've an eye upon, or they don't want trouble with your family: look elsewhere maybe, other less traditional guys? Or show more clearly you're not "traditional" be more flirty or daring than your father would approve.

[jacquesvol]

Succes!

[itsweird182]

Have you tried online dating? There is a free site called www.plentyoffish.com. If you don't want to try that, why don't you try to initiate something with a guy? Try approaching guys, it will be nerve racking but it will probably end up in a few dates at least and maybe something more!

I can also relate to you, I am 20 and have only had one girlfriend in my life. We met off MySpace and dated for 3 months. She is the only girl I have ever dated, so I know the lonely feeling you get from never dating.

Good luck!

[Blitzer]

nothing's wrong with you man,

usually guys are pussies, tbh.

every guy has a fear of rejection, and as such some guys you meet may not initiate anything with you out of fearing you turning them down.

why don't you initiate something with a guy?

if you have a guy's attention and you're talking easily and having some laughs etc. you're almost 100 percent guaranteed that he'll hook up with you.

so take into your own hands instead of waiting :]

always the best way.