I've been thinking about writing about this for a long time. I just couldn't find the words or I wasn't emotionally ready to be able to conjure my thoughts into a frame of words that made sense.
Let me just give you a brief blast from my past to put things into perspective.
I'm the type of girl that usually falls easily, I am very open minded and wear my heart on my sleeve. I've been in quite a few relationships/ fallen for quite a few individuals but I'm just going to mention 3 because of the impact they left me with today.
The first person I ever fell in love with, I considered to be my soul mate. Let's call him, 'Andrew'. I guess because I had never felt anything like it in my life, and I was very young, everything seemed innocent and majestic like the perfect romantic book come to life with him. Never have I fallen so deeply and experienced a "cloud 9" feeling like I did with him. It was so many years back but I can still recall how the day he said "I love you too" made me feel like I was floating in the shower, through classes, all day everyday. Even when we lost contact I was determined that he would come back to me and we were destined. That was until I realized the harsh truth many years later- He didn't actually love me like I loved him. I was never that perfect in his mind or even close to a romantic love interest. He told me about another girl he loved, which left me dumbfounded. Yet strangly, it liberated my mind from the enslavement over thoughts of him.
So I guess this is my first piece of little advise - Sometimes your mind and heart fall so deeply in love with another individual, it blinds you of all truth and signs along the way. So when you do find out the truth, it shatters you like a glass, breaking and trembling down every piece of image you had ever created of reality in your mind. You become lost of the world around you and of yourself. You lose track of the days and the hours and nothing in the world matters any longer. That is the problem with basing your existance and investing all your love and efforts into one individual. They will let you down, they will betray you at one point or another. And how much pain you suffer as a cause of it is determined by how attached you have wrapped yourself around that person.
Yet, as much as the fact that he never really loved me stoned my heart, it also healed it fast. I was no longer obsessed with claiming him, I no longer was in the line to chase and find him. It freed me from such thoughts and that in itself was a huge relief because in turn it let my heart experience love again.
(Bare with me if my thoughts seem all over the place, this is the first time I have ever written all my love experiences out in a reflective note)
After Andrew I really thought I was doomed. Me and him were never in a relationship but I loved him for so long that I could not even imagine being with anyone else.
That is until I met... 'Roberto'. My relationship with him was filled with much more passion, and mutual romantic feelings. I guess he was the first serious boyfriend I ever had, and the first boy who truly shared the same feelings as me so I fell just as deep. However, there were many problems. The relationship slowly started changing as time went by. It became to be based on toxicity, lies, abuse, hurt, cheating... just everything bad stuffed up in a bottle and sent into the waves of our relationship. He cheated on me multiple times, called me names, harassed me sexually and verbally - in public and in private. Humilated me and shattered every ounce of self esteem I had evermustered up in my life. Basically, he broke me. And what was worse is that I allowed him to. I take responsibility in the fact that I allowed all this to happen, and for 4-5 years, I was in a prison. I was trapped by the thought that this again was the only real and true relationship I would ever experience in my life and I hung onto it like my life was on the line. Everytime he would convince me he would change, and he would act right for a little while until he messed it all up again. We talked about marraige and kids and starting a family...
It wasn't until I found out he cheated the second time I realized I had to walk away. And I did, physically. But in every other state I was latched onto him like the locks on a door. I had to go to therapy and take anti-depressents to cope with the emotions that took over me. I started ignoring my friends and my studies, until I lost contact with some people and failed many classes. It took a lot. And I mean A LOT of effort to get over Roberto. I think it was one of the greatest pains I have ever felt. The day I found out he had been cheating on me, after I let him take my virginity, I felt the ground beneath me shaking, I felt it pulling my legs until I could not walk. It was just the worst pain ever and a year later, small pieces of it still linger as if to remind me of the fire he had left.
Here goes my second take - I guess what I learned from this was the importance of myself. I learned no matter how corny people who hung "love yourself!!" posters on their walls - they were right. I was not kind to myself for many years, and I did not even understand what it meant. I am still struggling everyday to treat myself good, but no longer with the chains that constricted and blinded me before. When you get out of a mentally abusive relationship, it's as if you inhale your first breath. And I don't care how lame it may sound but I literally feel like a new born baby after that experience.
I did not know who I was when I was with Roberto because I was so lost in him. I believed every thing he ever told me. I was the product of his thoughts and perception - I was his puppet.
Here's to all you who might be in an abusive relationship right now - GET OUT. Take the first step, and I promise you, you will reach the peak and see sunlight as if it's the first time ever in your life. But it is one of the hardest battles, keep walking. Run. And don't you dare look back. You might trip once in a while, but keep going. You are worthy of all the love in the world and no one - no matter who they are and how close of a tie they have to you, blood or through another bond, has the right to tell you that you do not deserve happiness. You are beautiful, and you are great. I am still struggling with this myself but one day I hope to get there.
And finally, let me share the most current relationship I was in just a month ago.
I started talking to.. 'Ali', just a month after I completly cut things off with Roberto. Ali and I had known each other for 2 years through a mutual friend but never really talked until beginning of this year. At first, he was a great distraction. I forced myself to engross myself in this person and allow myself to care for him. And while I did eventually, very slowly, did fall for him, I was never in love with him. At first it was a crush, but I knew better than to start so suddently after a 4 year relationship. But I felt like I needed him, as a friend or boyfriend it did not matter, I felt like I needed someone who was always there and kept a check on me to make sure I didn't flee back to the past asshole I was dating. It was so selfish of me. And he did a great job at that. He fell for me much deeply than I did at first. After just a month or so of talking and casual dating, he said I was the one and that he loved me. He said he never felt like this for anyone in his life before, but I could not reciprocate those words. He did not know of my true feelings, or just the fact that I was not ready and it was wrong for me to involve him with myself when I was emotionally still rebuilding myself.
I needed the time to be alone but instead I brought him closer to me to fill the void in me that I did not fill myself. That was a huge mistake. Eventually I did end up liking him a lot, I cared and loved him so much, but he found out the truth just 3 months later and his life shattered. I guess ironically how mine shattered in my first relationship. I could see the hurt I had caused him, and the pain in his voice. It was too late for me to convince him that what I felt for him now was real. Sometimes I suppose we must convince ourselves of anything, even that which might not be true, to make it hurt less. He ended things with me immediatly. Although we did keep in contact for the past month on and off - mostly effort on my part as it was my fault, he eventually gave up on me. I guess he woke up one day and decided I was not worth it and it did not matter. It was over.
It is over. It's gone. And right now I am here writing about it. I've written about it a lot in my journal and things but sometimes there always seems to be something left unsaid. I wish so badly it could have worked with him because he was so kind to me. I learned so much from him, so many good experiences it is hard not to miss him or wake up every morning with an ache in my heart. I guess the hardest part of getting over someone is the lack of control we have of everything in the moments when emotions gush forth. I still think about him everyday, and I tried fixing things with him for one month, but everything I do seems like a waste. He does not want me, he does not want me. It's so hard to accept. I lost a lover but I also lost a friend. I am not sure how long it's going to take to get over it. Or how he managed to do it so quick, but I'm getting there. This week hurt a little bit less than last week, and one day I might wake up and it won't hurt at all.
I hope to make my life not in the pursuit of a boy or any person in specific. That is the greatest lesson I learned. Whatever we dwell on, that is what will grow in our minds and our hearts. It will create channels in our brains and pathways sometimes too complex to intwine back to something sensible. But I hope I get there. I hope to become better everyday, and free my heart of someone who does not love me any longer.
Thanks for reading.