Carrie: I messaged you before about this guy. And I realize you’re busy, but I really need help understanding this. He’s been dating this girl for almost 6 years. He started cheating on her almost the second he got with her with the same girl for 2 years. Then there were others after that. About 5 months ago he started cheating on her with me. At first I didn’t know if he had a gf but by the time I found out it was too late, I was already attached. Someone just recently found out and told his gf about us and he denied it and told me to deny it. I’ve gone along with it because I care about him and I don’t want him to have to go through the process of breaking up with her because after 6 years I know it’s not just that easy. But at the same time I want him to myself so bad. He told me he’s really sorry and that he cares about me. I just don’t know why he does this. And I don’t know if he really does care about me or not…
If you could help I would appreciate it so much.
Mike: I can give you an answer now but which one would you like? The truthful/proper one? or the one that gets him away from her.
Mike: Ahh… but they are contradictory!
Carrie: know I’m probably going to stick with the truthful/proper one. But I’d love to know the other answer too. Do I really have to decide?!
Carrie: Alright, I hate to message you again, but I have alot of time to kill at work and I want to catch you the next time you get online. The thing is how do I decide what is the best choice?? I mean, if he was with me, would he still cheat? I don’t know if he cheats because he is unhappy with his relationship, or if he has some sort of mental issue.. How would I know for sure? I do know that I’ve never felt this way about someone, and I really, really wish I could have a chance with him. But I don’t know what’s best for me I guess. Honestly I’d rather have the advice on how to get rid of her. I think.
Mike: Carrie, I think you know the correct answer to this but you may not be ready to act on it. So I will give you two answers.
I tweeted this question to people in the twitter verse and I got a pretty typical Jerry Springer response. Everyone was very much for you telling the guy to burn in hell but no one was really honest with themselves. The truth is that when you are in a situation like yours it is very hard to do the right thing. You are in love and even in front of a frothing Jerry Springer audience, you want what you want.
How Do I Get What I Want
The only way to win this game is by gambling. No amount of begging cajoling or manipulating will get him to leave his girl friend. (You could kill her and put her in a wood chipper but I imagine you would have already done so if this were an option) At the moment he holds all the cards, he probably even has a third girl that he sleeps with periodically. It is not going to be easy for him to give up a long term relationship for you.
I have been in this situation more than once, in fact quite a few times! I don’t think I have ever tolerated someone seeing another while seeing me on the side. This comes down to self-respect but we will talk about that later. Not for the first time, I was madly in lust and I was very aware that she had someone, just like you were (yup don’t believe ya) this very much added to the attraction. The guy she was seeing was a creepy doctor that drove a yellow Porsche and liked kiddy porn. I figured we were so in love that she would easily leave him for me. Little did I know it would be so hard. After one month of begging and tears I was shocked she wouldn’t act. Into the second month I regained my self-respect, “No, I am not going to see you, I love you, I dream about you but I have had enough” I said when she showed up at my house after a date with him. “If you are not separated from him by Monday of next week we are finished, don’t call me or come over until this is done.” She left in a tearful tantrum and said that I didn’t understand how hard it was. I wanted to cry too and drag her to my bed but I held firm.
“He hit me, many times”
Monday night at 11pm she came over, she was wearing sunglasses but you could still see puffiness around the edges. She hovered at the entrance looking as if she were about to run. “Are you single?” I said blocking the door. “yes” she said in a whiskey voice. I took off her sunglasses and I was filled with a painful rage. “He hit me, many times” She said and sounded ashamed.
Whew! Went right back there for a second! I wanted to kill that guy!! I didn’t and we had a pretty wild relationship for six months but it crumbed shortly after. Our house was built on lust and need, not on health but I don’t blame me. I needed to learn these lessons. Sooo… I think you are the same and not ready to do the right thing so lets do the wrong one. If you want to wrestle him away from his girl you have to set an ultimatum with a time limit. This is the gamble; does he really care about you as much as you think? If he does the gamble will pay off and he will thank you for helping him leave his GF. Then he will cheat on you or you will cheat on him. Good times!! But who cares, this is normal.
What Is The Right Thing To Do?
The right thing to do is have enough self-respect to not be with a liar, cheater and manipulator. The right thing to do is not be manipulated by your own need to be accepted and loved by someone out of reach. The right thing to do is NEVER EVER sleep with a guy that has a GF and if he lies, you make sure he gets bitten for doing so! The right thing to do is NEVER lie for anyone!! How messed up is that! His GF probably knows he is cheating but she ignores it just like you are doing. She is in love… and is allowing her own love for herself to be compromised. Do you really want to be her? Do you not think that he won’t do the same to you? This guy is at the time in his life that he wants to be with multiple girls. That is fine, the problem is that he is doing it by being dishonest. That is not fine. He has learned that he can get away with this, which means he will repeat it until he is about 30 and is moderately ready to settle down. (And then he will probably do it again) Is this what you want??? A million women will tell you the same but 500,000 will still get caught in the same trap. Join the other half and have enough self-respect to never have this happen again. There are more than enough decent men out there, don’t fuck yourself up by becoming addicted to the bad ones.
P.S. I would bank on Carrie taking no action whatsoever, I don’t think she is in enough pain to act. This is a problem, our pain threshold is often so great that we must really suffer before we will change. Therefore making the right decision is very much a function of how much pain we are willing to tolerate. I tend to blow things up a bit just to force myself to act before the pain gets out of control.
Writes a blog for women about relationships at MikeTheMasterDater.com. Traveling the world and dating every single he met along the way allowed Mike to make an uncountable number of mistakes in relationships. These mistakes led to a fluency in the psychology of dating that could only be gained from radical immersion.