The Break Up Grief

The Break Up Grief

There are a lot of people who feel when you break up with someone, you should just let them go and never look back, and the next day practically you should be ready to bounce right back out there and on to the dating scene, but I don't think you ever really and truly liked or loved someone if your instant reaction is, you've moved on after day one or soon after. True break ups of relationships, whether they be dating ones, or ones involving the dissolution of a marriage take real time and work.

When you date someone for a while or are married to them, your lives become intertwined as they should be. The places you go, the friends you have, the vacationns you share, the family events you attend, the things you do. When a break up happens, you have to pull your lives apart and figure out how to once again function as one person, not part of a group. This involves maybe moving house/apartment, deciding about who gets the pets or how to deal with your kids, separate bank accounts, informing all your friends and family who will no doubt have questions you may not be ready to answer. It can be absolutely overwhelming. You are quite literally almost mourning the loss of someone, and just like when someone dies, the realization of this death of the relationship can come at you in unexpected ways. You may be at your favorite coffee shop and the barista asks you where your girlfriend who always has coffee with you, is. It can be finding the cheesy Christmas ornament you all made together with your kids in a box of old stuff. It can be waking up one morning and realizing they aren't there and they won't be.

It's hard, and it takes you on such an emotional, mental, and physial journey, but you need to allow yourself to mourn a partner like you would allow yourself to mourn a death. You'll want to deny it. You'll want to not believe that it's happened, or that everything is final, or that things are over especially if you were the one that was broken up with. Next if often the feelings of anger at things in the relationship that maybe you could have done better or they should have, could have, would have done to save your relationship. You may feel anger at yourself, and feel as though you, and only you, have the worst luck in life and that things like your break up are symbolic of everything wrong with it. Then, often hand in hand with denial, will be bargaining and feeling like you can still make it work. You may call your ex and beg to get back in the relationship or they may call you and you may feel like you can still make it work. You'll bargain with a higher power, you'll try and talk to his or her friends, you'll sometimes feel like it just can't end like this and there has to be a way even though you know it should be over. This is often followed closely by depression at the realization that there is a finality to it all. They aren't going to come back. The relationship is over and there is nothing you can do about it. You may feel overwhelmed, sad, feel like you just can't get up or that you're moving through life through quick sand thinking about all that you had or could have had. Finally, the acceptance phase. This doesn't mean everything is great now and you move on, but you accept that things are over. You accept that you do have to move on. You accept that you will know that you will always love the good things you two had together and the life you shared at moments and the memories, and know you'll always have that, but ultimately, given some time, you will need to move on with your life and try to hopefully find that with someone else or find strength, and look to the strength and love of those in your family and friend circle when or if you need more help to move on.

Breaking up is hard to do, but it is a normal part of life for most, if not everybody. It sucks, no one wants to do it, but as with most of the really hard things in life that we have to deal with, coming out of it on the other side can lead to life changes, to understanding ourselves better, to moving forward knowing more what we want and how we can do better within ourselves to prevent the mistakes we may have made in the past. Just remember, as hard as it is to do to break up with someone, that moment or those moments do not define you. If you feel like you can't move on with time, don't be afraid to ask for help from friends or family, many of whom will be understanding having gone through it themselves at some point.


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What Guys Said 2

  • When I was 22 my first local girl friend cheated on me

    I didn't hang out with a girl again for 2 years she was my first and only broken heart

    She'd leave my house at 9 and go to the cheaters house I found out that after she broke up with me

    I can't stand liars

    Even if you cheat on me or like someone else just tell me

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  • My grief was so strong one time I went 2 whole years without a date

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What Girls Said 3

  • I dated this guy for two years. We broke up four months ago and had contact here and there. 3 months after our break up he's already in a new relationship. When a month before they got together he told me he missed me and always would. I was still angry and hurt by how he never apologized for breaking my heart and told him I was going to forgive and forget him. Now here I am today ten times more depressed than I ever and missing him more and more everyday. I don't know what to do. It's like my head says it's over but my heart and gut are like it's not over. He'll be back. I reached out to him for the first time in two months last night (nothing negative or nosy) just a simple happy memory between us hoping he'd see it and respond. Which he didn't. I'm just completely devastated. I just want to see him back at my front door. I would give anything to feel him hold me like he once did. Like when he gave me a ring and said he wanted to marry me. Wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. That I was the one. We grew up together and he said that something brought us back together and he didn't want to ever start over with someone new. I'm literally breaking down after months of not crying. I don't know what to do. I love him to death and just want him back. Any advice?

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    • I'm sorry to hear about your situation. *Hugs* There is a reason I compared death to that of breaking up with someone you love. A lot of the things you are going through are often what those in mourning feel. Someone who was once there as a huge part of your life is now no longer there and it hurts like hell. Telling you to just 'get over it,' is not going to help you, nor would I tell you that. The honest truth is you need to go through it. Go through the pain, be angry, be upset, go through the back and fourth in your head, all of that in order to eventually get to a place where you can move on. This is the hard part of life, where we must feel pain sometimes, and hurt, and devastated even though we'd rather go back to a place where we were simply just happy with our lives. In your situation, you guy has moved on and at some point, you are going to have to accept that. Sometimes people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say in terms of the promises and things he said..

    • This is where you should turn inwards and decide if someone who doesn't say what they mean, who breaks your trust, who doesn't respond to you or call you back, who doesn't stick to their promises, and is dating someone else, is someone you want in your life. It's making you extremely unhappy now, right? There are reasons for your break up, right? It's going to take some time before you get back to you again, and before stop dwelling on him, but in the mean time, do surround yourself with friends and family who are loving and supportive and who can offer you an ear so you can scream, cry, vent, do what you need to. Pain is only a temporary thing. Allow yourself a moment to feel it, and then try your best to figure out ways you can help heal yourself through meditation, vacation, being more social with others, a make over, finding a new hobby to occupy your time, do what you can. You'll get there. Good luck to you.

  • Great Take!! ♥

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    • Thank you.

    • Your welcome! Most people , including me will relate to it. It's extremely beneficial.

  • some break ups are sooo much harder than others though. I dated a guy for 3 years but the relationship wasn't going well for the last 6 months and after I broke up, everything was great. It took me about 1-2 weeks to move on! On the other hand, I dated another guy for 8 months, it's been 3 months already and I still think about him every day and feel like I can't stop thinking about him... I'm so annoying with my friends and I've even started posting questions here about the relationship and how much I miss him... I don't get it!!! I truly don't know what to do I just want to concentrate and think about things other than what I did wrong or how it could've been. Ugh...

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    • You're going through it, and that's fine. Each person we date is different and means different things to us and each is also I believe, a part of a learning phase of life for us. We learn things from each relationship and questioning ourselves and what we think went wrong when they end is a part of that, because it helps you to figure things out and to eventually move forward. Unfortunately that pain of feeling is also a part of life, and although you'd like to skip on through it, you've got to give yourself time to go through the process. You'll get there eventually.

    • thank you! you are right... I guess I have to wait

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