You thought I could forgive you, you thought it was okay now, you had learned your lesson. You even said you forgave yourself! But the truth is I have never been able to forgive you, because I can't seem to forgive myself. I am writing this down in the hope that maybe it will help me to start to take responsibility for my actions and also help me to let it go.
I can't forgive myself for putting so much importance on you and us that I tried to take my life twice in the week after you dumped me for your 'she's just a friend' I had trusted you with. I can't forgive myself for the fact I became so insecure I could no longer bear to go to classes after I found out you'd cheated on me with at least 10 girls.
I find it almost impossible to trust that anyone could find me 'good enough', because you needing so many other women must have meant I was seriously disgusting. My self esteem has never come back, and it has been 6 years.
I can't forgive myself, because it has taken me years longer to complete my degree due to severe anxiety and depression, all related to how you treated me and the fact I would have to see you there in my class! I feel so ashamed sometimes and have never admitted to anyone why I am still finishing it at 26 years old when other people my age have been working full time for years.
I can't forgive myself for letting you go out into the world after 2 years with me, thinking it's alright to cheat and lie to a girl extensively, because at the end of the day, she will be your friend and let you remain in her life, you're off scot-free. I did a disservice to the other women out there and I know it.
I can't forgive myself, because you did it again, after me and that was when I finally realized I could no longer give you the time of day, you had to know how it felt to not always have your cake and eat it.
I can't forgive myself for the way it has changed me, the way I struggle so hard every single day to trust other people, to trust men not to cheat on me and lie, and the impact this has had on other relationships including my current one. He so does not deserve it. I know that and yet I'm so insecure and afraid.
I can't forgive myself because for all this time I have blamed everything on what you did to me and felt angry and bitter and sad about it, unable to heal. And I know that you're out there living your life, without a concern, probably hurting other people, but I want you to know that I know it wasn't my fault. It was you and your own personal weakness that caused you to think it was okay to crush someone else, someone who loved you and gave you their all. And I will never ever forgive you for what you put me through. But know this, I can't control what happened to me, but I can control how I choose to react to it. And I choose to forgive myself.
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Nice, it seems like it was not a sprint. Took awhile, eh...
That's beautiful. I'm glad you forgave yourself :)
Thank you :)