How My 9-Year Relationship With the Girl I Was Going to Marry Ended

Met her in 2005 in high school. She was a friend of mine for awhile but we were not very close.

We reconnected in 2007 and started dating. I had just joined the Army and was sent overseas. I should clarify we started dating when I was on leave so I was only going to be deployed for about another 6 months.

Thought everything was great, the most attractive girlfriend I've ever had and the best sex, too. She wasn't particularly intelligent or funny but enjoyable to be around. You know how it goes.

I discovered she cheated on me early in the relationship while I was deployed overseas. The trust and respect was gone and it didn't matter to me that it happened early on.


9 years together, and she cheated the first year (only one I know of). My mind was a mess.

The moment I discovered she cheated:

Her older brother passed away recently. We went to a storage shed her family had to shift through some things of his, donate stuff or sell stuff etc.


She had a few boxes of things in there, mostly clothes and old makeup. One box contained personal items, very old letters and gifts I had given her, stuff we shared from maybe our first year together.


In the box was a letter she had written to another guy. There were graphic details about what they had done together. Basically sounded like he ditched her after awhile and she was upset about it. Sounded like he was ignoring her and her intention was to either mail the letter or leave it at his doorstep.

I guess when they moved she threw the letter into the same box as our stuff (probably from a junk drawer) and flat-out forgot about it.


The date on the letter matched up with our dating. Not to mention she even signed it. Stupid thing to do but considering a 19 year old girl wrote it I guess it makes sense. I found out later the guy (Greg apparently) was 30 years old at the time. That further disgusted me.


You would have thought that I would flip out but it was honestly like someone hit a switch in me. I just shut down. I literally walked out of the storage shed, handed her the letter, got in my car and drove off. Went and ate at my favorite pizza place and shut my phone off. Then went home and grabbed a bunch of my stuff and went to my friend's place.


Kept my phone off for 3 days. When I turned it back on I had 78 missed calls and over 40 texts. That's when a hole opened up in my chest and it really hit me. It felt like the last 9 years were a lie but also some weird dream. Like maybe it didn't happen.

I credit my great friends for their help. They got all my stuff out of the apartment for me so I wouldn't have to see her and I just straight-up paid the fine and broke the lease. She was on her own after that. Spoke to her a few weeks later; more emotional stuff etc etc, and then finally went NC and even changed my number and email.


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Most Helpful Girl

Most Helpful Guy

  • Most women now a days are like that... it's completly worthless to go for a relationship or get married.. I am afraid of getting in a long term relationship and get hurt too

    That's why i am single too and Instead now I am thinking I should just start sleeping around..

    Anyways I want to say something though... I don't know how long were you deployed... you have 100% right to be loved and be in a relationship... But if you are deployed for a very long time like 6 months and then I think you should stay single or sleep around cause your girlfriend will feel alone because you are not there for her and then ahe will cheat on you.
    I mean this is why people cheat! Because they are lonely in a relationship?

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    • "now I am thinking I should just start sleeping around.."

      You would be shocked how much your life improves both mentally and physically when you start doing this. It truly is disgusting to be honest... but it's amazing at the same time.

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    • I was doing it for years and I don't regret it one bit

      Cheers dude

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What Girls Said 17

  • Its really sad and pathetic of the woman that did this to you. I agree that for some reason cheating seems high amonsted girls with overseas guys. I witnessed one of my supervisors cheating on her oversees fiancée, which sickened me.

    It saddens me more, that guys can't trust women and would rather use them than risk getting hurt (judging by the comments here I mean).

    And that some faithful women have to suffer the consquences of some past girls actions.

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  • I feel like a lot of the time people expect an explanation but sometimes its even harder on the other person not to even get a response which is sometimes validated. Good for you, you stuck to your guns.

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  • Cheating is never ok, obviously, but did it happen right when you started dating? We're you even an official exclusive couple at the time? I dunno man, it feels like the way you just walked out without even a word, you had been looking for a reason to leave. The way you describe her, it doesn't sound like you were ever all that into her and the relationship just kinda went on and on.

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  • I thoight finding out my boyfriend cheated a year after was bad but 9 years? 😢 Wow I'm really sorry... otherwise my situation was exactly the same, long distance, girl he cheated on dumped him, never told me etc...

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  • So sorry to hear about what happend! Breakups are so hard, I'm going through a breakup now I didn't cheat and neither did he buy we had silly arguments and silly drama about the past etc it was my first relationship I got a bit crazy couldn't handle all those emotions. Anyway it's hard regardless of how long you have been with someone you will miss them always... Especially if you had a connection with them and you loved them, relationships/ love are so difficult but also the best thing ever. I hope your okay, I don't understand why the girl did that it's very immature me silly! Maybe she had issues at that time... Insecurities... problems. She should have told you from the start! She's probably not 100% stable and confident in herself that's why she probably wanted attention or stomething.. everyone makes stupid mistakes I'm sure she regrets it now, but you were so strong how you did that. I'm struggling to move past a guy I was with for two years I can't imagine how you must be feeling. Hope your okay, anytime you want to talk feel free to send me a private mesg :)

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  • Good for you. Onward and upward. Thank you for your service 💟

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  • Whoa. At least the both of you are young, but wow 9 years!

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  • I think your better off without her. You will find a better woman who will love you unconditionally. Just don't let this experience ruion more for you in the future. Thank you for your service and stay strong my friend.

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  • Wow :( Sorry to hear. I hope you find love again and are happy.

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  • So you discovered she cheated only after 9 years or? And is that your picture lol

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  • Sorry to hear that. I hope you find someone better. My friend is in the army too and his wife cheated on him when he wa deployed. 11 years of mafriage with 3 beautiful kids ruined. I think they were sweet together and so sad this happened. But life goes on. You'll heal.

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  • Dam, don't worry Some women will show you deep romance. Keep going futher people are seasons of life she was a cold winter. Now you need spring

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  • I'm so sorry you've had to go through that I've also had my heart ripped out of me more then once, I pray in time you will heal and find a decent woman an not such a time waster 😔

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  • I'm so sorry that happened to you man... I hope you find someone else, someone better.

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  • I'm sorry to hear that.. hugs. better days ahead

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  • I'm sorry this happened to you. It feels such a weird dream but like dreams, they get to fade and you get a better reality. It's hard to wake up but at least you were able to leave your nightmare before something legal was tied to you so you could not get away from rehashing the nightmare daily. Good luck.

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  • I'm sorry that this happened to you. If she cheated on you in a normal relationship, I would agree with all of the people who say nasty things about her. But cheating over deployment is a very special situation. It is the price you pay for serving your country. Just like all of the soldiers who get hurt or lose a part of their body, or disappear for long periods of time, or even get killed and never come back. It is a pretty unnatural way of life. It deserves special attention. You should see a professional who specializes in such cases. Also, next time you start dating, make sure you ask the girl if she's the special kind of human who can deal with not seeing you for months on end. I know those kind of humans are hard to find. And I'm sorry that your job is a potentially dangerous place for relationships to die, and for lives to get destroyed. (I know this is impossible, but maybe we should ask all countries around the world to stop fighting over nothing.) Your job is a different sort of lifestyle, and you shouldn't expect to live it the same way ordinary lives do things. For example, I would suggest that you live with your own family while you are single, and bring the girl you are dating into your family home. Or date a girl who agrees to live with her family while you are gone. That way you are giving her a permanent source of emotional support while you are gone, and you may greatly reduce the chances of such a tragedy. It is still risky business, but there might be ways around it.

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What Guys Said 21

  • Things like these can and will happen, it's unavoidable and completely beyond your control. Had you done something else differently, maybe things would have played out differently but even then there are no absolute guarantees. I think these days more relationships have these situations happen, people aren't so monogamous and loyal any more they just want to scratch out those itches of lust or something and just take advantages of the opportunities simply because it was there and they never thought that their partner would ever discover and find out eventually or catch them in any possible way.

    All I can say is I give you the credit on changing your number and e-mail that's already a good first sign you have made your decision to move on. Make sure you disconnect from social media and don't look her up and try in any form or way to re-establish contact with her. Just allow your emotional wounds to heal first before jumping back into the whole dating and relationships thing. Or well it's up to you anyway.

    You can always consider the possibility that love is all but delusions and give up on it entirely, consider the possibility of being single for life or living a bachelor lifestyle or whatever it is that you really feel is right for you and that you really absolutely want to do.

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    • This is the ice cold truth! Shocking and true! Better get used to it.
      (I'm going through a similar process right now)

  • So you threw away a potentially lifelong relationship over something that happened almost ten years ago.

    Why don't you learn a little humility and to not take yourself so Goddarn seriously?

    Learn to let go of unimportant things. Love is love.

    This is said with all the compassion and respect possible. I'm trying to get you to see that nobody is perfect and while she's no angel, neither are you. She just happened to push a button of yours and you can lose out on some amazing stuff if you choose to be so sensitive.

    All the best to you.

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  • I was Marine Corps and was cheated on as well. It wasn't 9 years though.. That would hit anyone like a truck. My girl, like yours, became obsessed with me after and couldn't accept the fact that she was now out of my life. I told her we would never be friends or reconnect ever again. Just became stone cold and realized that she was a stranger in my life.

    People don't realize the agony of what we had to go through. Literally surrounded by other men 24/7 so your mind is constantly on her thinking about the next time you finally get to see her again. When you're in a relationship with a woman while in the military it can feel like she is the only person that maintains your distinction to reality. Sort of lets you know that there is a life outside of what you are going through.

    Don't go down in a depressive hole dude. Start getting laid. Start dating again.

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  • Ouch, daymn!
    Well, congratulations on getting rid of her for good! Life has a new beginning for you now. Your next chapter is going on!
    I loved how you moved on, gotta praise that!

    "it was honestly like someone hit a switch in me. I just shut down. I literally walked out of the storage shed, handed her the letter, got in my car and drove off. Went and ate at my favorite pizza place and shut my phone off. Then went home and grabbed a bunch of my stuff and went to my friend's place.

    Kept my phone off for 3 days. When I turned it back on I had 78 missed calls and over 40 texts. That's when a hole opened up in my chest and it really hit me. It felt like the last 9 years were a lie but also some weird dream. Like maybe it didn't happen."

    You make me proud with that! I'm going to do the same if I find out :)

    But wow. I'm sorry for you for this outcome. Cheating people, who keep it hidden are human scum. But it's good, that you found out and moved on.

    Now.
    It was all only a dream. You woke up at last. Now go and kick the world's ass!

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  • People who cheat on their significant others while they're serving the military and deployed overseas are the most despicable people on the face of the planet.

    Well done on ripping that off like a band aid.

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  • Love is always a risk.

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  • been cheated on. it definitely sucks. it can be hard but keep your eyes forward and moving on.

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  • I've witnesses this a lot with supposed "girlfriends" cheating on their guy who is deployed overseas. Its almost like they do it on purpose.

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  • Congratulations for getting rid of her.

    A lot of women will tell you to look past it as it happened nine years ago, but I am delighted that you held her to account.

    Accountability is key, responsibility is key. Women need to learn these concepts.

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    • Who are these "a lot of women" you speak of?

    • @Jessicocoa Oh they're around. Women like being able to do whatever they want and expect not to be held to account for their actions. They know their rights, they fight for their rights but they seldom seem to acknowledge that rights come with responsibilities and accountability is necessary in life.

  • This is why I don't date long term.

    I'm embarrassed to say this but when I'm not dating someone, I go on Ashley Madison when I'm lonely. Let's just say I hear a story like this at least once a month.

    Anyhow stay strong man. I know it sucks. Sadly your image of women will likely be ruined for life, especially after 9 years.

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    • Bahaha ashley madison...

      Did you miss all those news stories, when some hacker (s) released the site's client list after they wouldn't pay some sort of hush money?
      The number of *actual WOMEN* on the ashley madison site was -- unsurprisingly -- very, very close to zero.

      Wanna know HOW close to zero?

      For every ONE actual woman on the site... there were about FIFTEEN THOUSAND men.

      15,000 to 1 dude.

      Jesus wept.

      www.extremetech.com/.../213019-new-analysis-shows-over-99-percent-of-the-women-on-ashley-madison-were-fake

      If you're gna have yr image of women tarnished for life... could you do us all a favor, and at least have it tarnished by some actual, flesh-and-blood women?
      Thanks.

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    • @Unit1 I mean, you can probably just google it? But that link should be a decent enough intro.
      Basically, Ashley Madison billed itself as a dating/cheating site for married/attached people -- but, like everything else that seems too good to be true, it was, and it turned out to be pretty much completely a scam site. The whole thing blew up last year when some hacker released their list of paying clients.

    • @redeyemindtricks Oops. Now I feel stupid.
      I was just in a rush earlier today x. x

      But shiiieeet, that number is really depressing! So many men cheat =o ! Now I don't know if I should be ashamed to be a man or not *half-sarcasm*. :(
      Thing is, that I will never cheat.

  • It breaks my heart to hear this shit. A women will keep a man going for years knowing she is cheating. You did the right thing brother. You will be better off dropping her. Best of luck to you.

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  • Just sayin bruv. She looks untrustworthy as fuck. Hang in there

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  • Sounds like my ex
    </3
    9 years... wow, god bless you
    i only dated this girl for 3 years and was heartbroken

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  • Stupid bitch.. deserves beating.

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  • Sorry to hear that man.

    I've never been cheated on as I haven't been in a relationship but just recently I was seeing a girl I thought I was close to and when she invited me over and we had sex, but right before it, I found an empty condom wrapper on the bed. I didn't say anything but she saw me see it and now she ditched me.

    I wasn't disgusted that she's seeing others but more of the fact she left that there for me to see.

    And have you dated anyone after this girl?

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  • If thats her in the picture then she looks likema bloated chipmunk and you can do netter no homo

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  • I feel your pain, man. Something similar happened to me but it wasn't just one guy! The best advice I ever got was from my Dad. "Thank God you found out when you did, rather than when you two were married, or had kids!" Luckily you found out when you did no messy court divorce, no custody battle for the kids. Find a girl who is worth your time, and energy. Also, ignore the troll mod, she is probably like your ex!

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  • http://howheasked.com/isra-and-shands/

    This chick told a very different story about your dating up to the point of engagement.

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  • Just move on man

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    • Why down votes me op?

  • you in greensboro

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