So he left you, and you’re feeling terrible. What can you do? I have put together a few ideas for you. Some may seem radical to some of you, but they all have the advantage that they depend only on you and on how open you are to treating yourself like you’d like him to do. In other words, these are practices to take care of you.
If you are determined to feel better, nobody can shake you if you take these on, and you don’t even have to discuss it with anyone. They are explained in the context of a breakup but no matter who takes them on, each of them will make you happier. I guarantee it. They come not from me but from the greatest spiritual teachers past and present.
I’ve kept the descriptions short and I hope you’ll ask for clarification if needed.
1. Learn to meditate
Meditation comes in many forms and has become a bit of a buzz word of late, from being obscure and seeming difficult in the past. There can be many reasons to meditate and all are valid but I recommend you learn to meditate to empty your mind. If you’re distressed, you need to reconnect with your creative source. You’re not fixing yourself, but rather you’re allowing the universe to take care of you.
How to do it: Set your timer for 15 minutes, get comfortable, close your eyes, and focus on your breathing. When you have a thought, let it go, and focus back on your breathing. Do this every day. Some days will be easier than others. No matter. Do it every day.
2. We all have one motive – happiness
Everything we do, every little thing, is motivated by the conviction that it will bring us happiness, that it will serve us. So when your ex left you, or refused to get back with you, that was his best idea at the time for how to live a happy life. He wasn’t trying to hurt you, at least that wasn’t his final motive. He’s just trying to get happy and if that means being away from you, then let him. You really don’t know what makes him happy, only he does.
We are taught growing up, that we can reason with people and that we really sometimes know better. But we really don’t. Let them go their own way if they want to. 3. You didn’t “get” him – so you can’t “get” him back. We pat ourselves on the back for having landed an amazing partner and when they leave, we act as if our possession was stolen from us. Though it may seem to us like we were the ones that discovered them, but just think of how many people there are on the planet. And somehow this particular one was put right in front of you??
He was brought to you by a very mysterious force and you have no chance of understanding it. It was magic. So now, he’s gone, and you’re trying to orchestrate his return? Please. Let the universe run its course like it did bringing you together, you’re not a good matchmaker compared to it. Trust it will do just as right by you as it did the first time.
4. All relationships are eternal
So make sure they’re all good. Think of somebody in your life who’s not currently right there with you. Just think of them…..and there they are! It’s like you have a database of your relationships in your head. Some people you may forget but with prodding, they could all be brought to life this way. What this means is that when you think of Uncle Harry, if you don’t have a good relationship with him, you will have a downer thought.
Downer thoughts bring you down and we want you up, up , up! So in your mind, find any excuse to love your ex, no matter what you imagine she did to you. It doesn’t cost anything to love people rather than hate them, on the contrary it’s much easier because your natural state of being is loving. Loving towards everybody, not just a few people who haven’t pee-ed you off lately. When you practice this regarding your ex, don’t give up before you truly love them and every little thing they did, including leaving you.
For example, my ex leaving me, while it was devastating at the time, allowed me to meet several wonderful partners who, while they didn’t ultimately become long term partners, were good to be with and had my ex stayed, I never would have met them. As a result, I’m much more ready for the next amazing relationship. Looking back in this way, you can get a wonderful perspective on any seemingly bad event. Yes, any, and I’ll get back to this in another Take.
5. Clean up your language
This follows from the last point: when you’re talking about your ex, to yourself or to your friends, listen to what you’re saying about them. “He’s insecure, depressed, immature, controlling, cheating, childish, abusive” are all examples of statements that either seek to blame your ex, or categorize her as a mental case. They also put you in a victim’s role from which you can never escape. So stop using them. Simply stop.
Your ex is your ex, it was wonderful and then it ended and here we are, ready for new adventures. If you keep talking about the abuse etc, you will gain a lot of pity and get to be right. But you’ll still be lonely. I would much rather date a person who has taken the time to put a positive spin on most things in her life, than a downer who got “dumped”.
6. Practice thinking about what you’re going towards instead of what you’re leaving
If you’re feeling really, really bad right now, you may not be ready for this but try anyway: think about what you want in a relationship, what kind of person you want to be with. No, you don’t want to be with your ex because they don’t want to be with you; and without knowing you, I’m pretty sure you want to be with somebody that wants you.
For the past year, since my ex and I broke up, I’ve been practicing this: I said to the universe: please bring me somebody who speaks French, who is a singer, who wants to be with me, who is ready for a relationship, who wants kids, and who is dark haired and or dark skinned. Four days ago, at a conference I attended in Shanghai, a French Camerounian woman sat down at my lunch table. Long story short, we are making plans, really exciting plans.
You may call this a coincidence but she is 100% of what I asked for and this isn’t the first time I’ve done this. So try it, it’s free and much more fun than to remember the agony of your last relationship. Let me know what you think of these ideas. If you have any questions, don’t hesitate. If just one of these resonates with you, I encourage you to take it on, it will help you.
I’ve just included one picture of a happy couple. This represents I think what we all want. So let’s talk about that. Peace be unto you.