Ladies, have you ever been disappointed by how you were treated in a relationship with someone you loved? Ignored? Neglected? Or maybe even getting led on by someone in the dating scene, and you get the sinking feeling that it is not going anywhere?
Fortunately, the rational explanation is that it was HIS character flaws, not yours, that led to his mistreatment. Many would assume that a guy would simply cut off a relationship if it was not satisfying to him, or if he found himself being cruel or neglectful to his significant other. Sadly, these situations can die a slow, painful death when you are with the wrong person.
There is a lot of bogus, woman-blaming advice on the internet for this problem, but I want to set the myths out there straight with my own experiences and events I have witnessed. There is no magic fix for the following problems, no matter what you do. This advice is very tough to hear when you are crazy about a man and things used to be great between you two. This advice applies whether the mistreatment/neglect happened quickly or after a while. I hope this article's techniques will not scare you away from relationships, but rather act as a shield to guard you from hurting yourself unnecessarily.
Disclaimer: I realize that not all men display the following behaviors, and many are more than worthy of relationships with lovely, caring women. This article only bashes certain behaviors and insincerity that some men choose to practice.
These forms of mistreatment can certainly be done by women as well. I am specifically talking about males who perpetrate this behavior in this article because I mostly see this behavior in males during my own life experience. These actions can be damaging to a person, so the point of this article is to show how she can modify her behavior (e.g. leaving quickly) to minimize the damage caused by destructive individuals who choose hurtful dating styles.
1) Do Not Stay When He Tests Your Boundaries
When a guy disrespects you in any way, he should get dumped. If he violates your deal-breakers, even if he does it deliberately and excuses himself by saying you set your boundaries a long time ago (implying you should have changed by now), walk away. He does not respect you and thus does not deserve to be with you. All of his other qualities do not matter. When you stay with a guy after he gives you the grief of neglect, disrespect, pushing your boundaries, or verbal/physical/emotional abuse, you are CONDONING the behavior and rewarding him, whether you want to or not.
Also, if he does not try to contact you at least once a day or every two days (with instant messaging and texts he has no excuse), doesn't make plans to see you, and/or is just generally not seeming anxious to see you, he is not worth your time and tears.
He should make plans with you in advance, instead of waiting until the day of the hangout to say when exactly he can hang out and wasting hours of your time. If he has enough money and time to get rip-roaring drunk at the bar with his friends yet will not take you out anywhere, you know he is not trying hard enough for you. If he grumbles about free or low-cost date suggestions you have, or only goes if you do the driving and/or paying, he does not care. Whether you are dating or in a relationship, his lack of action indicates that he does not want you anymore, even if he previously pursued you.
2) Do Not Take Him Back if He Treats You Badly
People will not change unless they have the inner motivation to change for themselves. Most of us have heard about the pleading a guy can do after he messed up in a relationship. He may promise to do the following: change, never do the bad behavior again, start doing nice things, start taking you out, etc. This usually fails miserably, as the new "changes" will cause him to resent you, and you will detect the insincere and fleeting nature of his new approach.
If he REALLY liked or loved you, he would not have treated you the way he did. A guy can profess his love and what he likes about you until he is blue in the face, but absolutely none of it matters unless he backs it up with actions. Those actions include but are not limited to respecting you, not inflicting verbal/physical harm on you, providing you a reasonable amount of attention, and not neglecting your needs for physical and emotional intimacy (if he agreed to be physically/emotionally intimate). If he failed to do any of this, he failed you. A guy who fails you will only fail you again if you take him back.
Even in casual dating, this applies. I was seeing one guy who volunteered to give me his number, and we hit it off. We liked each other but were both enduring tough times and wanted to take things slow. We went out to eat and shopped together a few times. He wrote long messages to me about how I was a treasure, sexy, beautiful, etc. He said he was only seeing me and wanted to be my boyfriend in time. He wanted me to come over to his house to hang out, but I told him I was not ready for that yet and wanted to meet in public again.
Gradually, he went from texting me everyday to every few days and blamed his phone service for "not getting" my messages. Then, he said he was focused on his family problems and was unable to hang out. After that, he said he was feeling sick. The texts were sparse and the excuses piled up. One day, I broke down and cried alone in my room, accepting that this guy was acting lame and obviously not into me. I liked him a lot and thought we had wonderful physical and personality chemistry (he certainly said so in his many messages).
A few months later, he texted me, saying how he was sad because he missed talking to me. I responded that I was surprised to hear that, as he stopped texting me and no longer wanted to hang out, and that I accepted he was not into me. Then he went on this long ramble about how family issues have made him feel like he was not datable anymore and he was so distressed by it he could not be himself around me. I told him I would have listened, assured him he was just as desirable, and would have given him space had he just told me that when he was pulling away.
However, I then said that by doing the "fade-out" weeks before, he made it clear that he was not into me, so I took the hint and was over him. He firmly disagreed, but I made up my mind despite his offers to see me again.
I surmise that he was pursuing someone else and he used me as Plan B, because his situation does not have much stigma in our society anymore, and his excuse was plausible but could have been exaggerated. Either way, as much as I think he is a nice person overall and will eventually grow up and make a good boyfriend for someone, I am glad I set him straight and let him know he blew it with me by not being honest and stringing me along.
3) Stop Apologizing for Standing Up for Yourself
When you set boundaries and say you will not accept certain behaviors from him, never apologize for being assertive and call yourself "b*tchy." Stop apologizing for asking for what you want/need. Stop apologizing for having a different personality, opinion, or interests. Stop apologizing if he starts abusing you, manipulating you, or guilt-tripping you. Just stop. Now. Please. It is never your job to mold into whatever he wants. However, it is your job to walk away if he does not like you as you are.
4) Do Not Beg
Ladies, has a guy ever wanted to leave you, but you refused to accept it? You may think that begging is just a way to show a partner that you actually did not want to break up when you were angry at him. You may think that "maybe he was just upset and I can negotiate this." You may think he still loves you and believe him when he says he may want to get back together in the future. You (reasonably) reach this conclusion as you think of times where you or someone you know gave a begging guy a chance because he was inducing guilt or the act seemed romantic.
I will tell you this bluntly: the guy does NOT want to be with you if he is breaking up with you. He will most likely never want to be with you again. The WORST thing you can ever do is beg. It never inspires a man to change his mind about leaving you. As breakups are non-negotiable, all begging will do is help you lose your dignity and increase his disrespect and contempt for you. This has happened to women close to me, and even in my own experience:
After weeks of my then-boyfriend not making an effort see me or contact me much (including cancelling on a video-game-at-home date with me that day), I sent an angry text saying I was upset and should be treated better, and that if he really did not want to see me, I did not want to see him. He texted back that "maybe we should break up," and I panicked. He finally called and dumped me after I frantically called him multiple times and left messages. During that painful conversation, I tearfully begged for him to stay. I thought I could fix what was bothering him, and try to lower my expectations further to make him stay. My first priority was having him, and my well-being was on the back burner; something we could work on once I "proved" myself worthy of him.
I wailed that I loved him and did not want him to go. Yet, this begging was an unconscious exploitation of my weakness. The man who once told me he loved me, my personality, and my looks tore apart things about me that were already my insecurities and even things he complimented me on and I thought men generally liked.
He ended up criticizing my body, emotions, affinity for affection, hobbies, etc. He used to treat me in an accepting and loving manner. Yet in this phone conversation he prefaced these hurtful comments with "I don't want to hurt you," but I pressed him to tell me. When I asked "why did you say you were fine with my body type when I asked you in the beginning of our relationship?" he replied that he was just "trying to be a nice guy."
This guy was especially cold and has made it clear he is perfectly happy without contacting me ever again, but I know some guys who will take another route for the same situation: stringing along a dead relationship (because the girl begged for him to stay) and using her up when she's convenient for sex, money, food, and killing time. Then, when it is time for the dude to find someone new, move, or graduate, he officially dumps the girl who did everything she could to save the relationship.
When a guy dumps you, just respond with something like "okay" and give him the impression it does not bother you, even if it is killing you inside. He does not deserve that power over you. He does not deserve the satisfaction of seeing you in pain over him, or an excuse to call you "crazy" and "clingy." Just because he meant a lot to you, and he claimed you meant a lot to him does not mean he actually felt that way.
The incongruence of my ex-boyfriend's kind words and painful words left me confused and wondering what I did wrong.
Unfortunately, I let those soul-shredding words haunt me every day for months, and I could have prevented myself from being so vulnerable if I dumped him earlier or told him I accepted it right away when he dumped me.
5) Acknowledge You Tried Your Best and Accept He Was Not Right for You
The butterflies a man can give you is never worth an unsatisfying relationship or mistreatment. You were not put on this earth to please a man who refuses to do much for you nor compromise your dignity. You deserve to be treated as a human being, not someone to be used and/or ignored. You cannot give a man your all (even sex) and expect him to suddenly start treating you like you treat him.
No matter how good you are to him, no matter how understanding you are, or how much space you give him, or how many lame excuses you accept without question, he will not treat you the way you want to be treated. If not contacting him means you will not see each other often or at all (because he does not contact you much), drop it.
Walk away before you invest too much into a guy who really is not into you.
Fortunately, the rational explanation is that it was HIS character flaws, not yours, that led to his mistreatment. Many would assume that a guy would simply cut off a relationship if it was not satisfying to him, or if he found himself being cruel or neglectful to his significant other. Sadly, these situations can die a slow, painful death when you are with the wrong person.
There is a lot of bogus, woman-blaming advice on the internet for this problem, but I want to set the myths out there straight with my own experiences and events I have witnessed. There is no magic fix for the following problems, no matter what you do. This advice is very tough to hear when you are crazy about a man and things used to be great between you two. This advice applies whether the mistreatment/neglect happened quickly or after a while. I hope this article's techniques will not scare you away from relationships, but rather act as a shield to guard you from hurting yourself unnecessarily.
Disclaimer: I realize that not all men display the following behaviors, and many are more than worthy of relationships with lovely, caring women. This article only bashes certain behaviors and insincerity that some men choose to practice.
These forms of mistreatment can certainly be done by women as well. I am specifically talking about males who perpetrate this behavior in this article because I mostly see this behavior in males during my own life experience. These actions can be damaging to a person, so the point of this article is to show how she can modify her behavior (e.g. leaving quickly) to minimize the damage caused by destructive individuals who choose hurtful dating styles.
1) Do Not Stay When He Tests Your Boundaries
When a guy disrespects you in any way, he should get dumped. If he violates your deal-breakers, even if he does it deliberately and excuses himself by saying you set your boundaries a long time ago (implying you should have changed by now), walk away. He does not respect you and thus does not deserve to be with you. All of his other qualities do not matter. When you stay with a guy after he gives you the grief of neglect, disrespect, pushing your boundaries, or verbal/physical/emotional abuse, you are CONDONING the behavior and rewarding him, whether you want to or not.
Also, if he does not try to contact you at least once a day or every two days (with instant messaging and texts he has no excuse), doesn't make plans to see you, and/or is just generally not seeming anxious to see you, he is not worth your time and tears.
"Whether you are dating or in a relationship, his lack of action indicates that he does not want you anymore."
He should make plans with you in advance, instead of waiting until the day of the hangout to say when exactly he can hang out and wasting hours of your time. If he has enough money and time to get rip-roaring drunk at the bar with his friends yet will not take you out anywhere, you know he is not trying hard enough for you. If he grumbles about free or low-cost date suggestions you have, or only goes if you do the driving and/or paying, he does not care. Whether you are dating or in a relationship, his lack of action indicates that he does not want you anymore, even if he previously pursued you.
2) Do Not Take Him Back if He Treats You Badly
People will not change unless they have the inner motivation to change for themselves. Most of us have heard about the pleading a guy can do after he messed up in a relationship. He may promise to do the following: change, never do the bad behavior again, start doing nice things, start taking you out, etc. This usually fails miserably, as the new "changes" will cause him to resent you, and you will detect the insincere and fleeting nature of his new approach.
If he REALLY liked or loved you, he would not have treated you the way he did. A guy can profess his love and what he likes about you until he is blue in the face, but absolutely none of it matters unless he backs it up with actions. Those actions include but are not limited to respecting you, not inflicting verbal/physical harm on you, providing you a reasonable amount of attention, and not neglecting your needs for physical and emotional intimacy (if he agreed to be physically/emotionally intimate). If he failed to do any of this, he failed you. A guy who fails you will only fail you again if you take him back.
Even in casual dating, this applies. I was seeing one guy who volunteered to give me his number, and we hit it off. We liked each other but were both enduring tough times and wanted to take things slow. We went out to eat and shopped together a few times. He wrote long messages to me about how I was a treasure, sexy, beautiful, etc. He said he was only seeing me and wanted to be my boyfriend in time. He wanted me to come over to his house to hang out, but I told him I was not ready for that yet and wanted to meet in public again.
Gradually, he went from texting me everyday to every few days and blamed his phone service for "not getting" my messages. Then, he said he was focused on his family problems and was unable to hang out. After that, he said he was feeling sick. The texts were sparse and the excuses piled up. One day, I broke down and cried alone in my room, accepting that this guy was acting lame and obviously not into me. I liked him a lot and thought we had wonderful physical and personality chemistry (he certainly said so in his many messages).
However, I then said that by doing the "fade-out" weeks before, he made it clear that he was not into me, so I took the hint and was over him. He firmly disagreed, but I made up my mind despite his offers to see me again.
I surmise that he was pursuing someone else and he used me as Plan B, because his situation does not have much stigma in our society anymore, and his excuse was plausible but could have been exaggerated. Either way, as much as I think he is a nice person overall and will eventually grow up and make a good boyfriend for someone, I am glad I set him straight and let him know he blew it with me by not being honest and stringing me along.
3) Stop Apologizing for Standing Up for Yourself
When you set boundaries and say you will not accept certain behaviors from him, never apologize for being assertive and call yourself "b*tchy." Stop apologizing for asking for what you want/need. Stop apologizing for having a different personality, opinion, or interests. Stop apologizing if he starts abusing you, manipulating you, or guilt-tripping you. Just stop. Now. Please. It is never your job to mold into whatever he wants. However, it is your job to walk away if he does not like you as you are.
4) Do Not Beg
Ladies, has a guy ever wanted to leave you, but you refused to accept it? You may think that begging is just a way to show a partner that you actually did not want to break up when you were angry at him. You may think that "maybe he was just upset and I can negotiate this." You may think he still loves you and believe him when he says he may want to get back together in the future. You (reasonably) reach this conclusion as you think of times where you or someone you know gave a begging guy a chance because he was inducing guilt or the act seemed romantic.
"Breakups are non-negotiable - all begging will do is help you lose your dignity and increase his disrespect and contempt for you."In other words, it is generally acceptable and tolerated for a man to beg, and surely it should be okay for women in 2012, right? Sadly, the rules are different for us.
I will tell you this bluntly: the guy does NOT want to be with you if he is breaking up with you. He will most likely never want to be with you again. The WORST thing you can ever do is beg. It never inspires a man to change his mind about leaving you. As breakups are non-negotiable, all begging will do is help you lose your dignity and increase his disrespect and contempt for you. This has happened to women close to me, and even in my own experience:
After weeks of my then-boyfriend not making an effort see me or contact me much (including cancelling on a video-game-at-home date with me that day), I sent an angry text saying I was upset and should be treated better, and that if he really did not want to see me, I did not want to see him. He texted back that "maybe we should break up," and I panicked. He finally called and dumped me after I frantically called him multiple times and left messages. During that painful conversation, I tearfully begged for him to stay. I thought I could fix what was bothering him, and try to lower my expectations further to make him stay. My first priority was having him, and my well-being was on the back burner; something we could work on once I "proved" myself worthy of him.
I wailed that I loved him and did not want him to go. Yet, this begging was an unconscious exploitation of my weakness. The man who once told me he loved me, my personality, and my looks tore apart things about me that were already my insecurities and even things he complimented me on and I thought men generally liked.
He ended up criticizing my body, emotions, affinity for affection, hobbies, etc. He used to treat me in an accepting and loving manner. Yet in this phone conversation he prefaced these hurtful comments with "I don't want to hurt you," but I pressed him to tell me. When I asked "why did you say you were fine with my body type when I asked you in the beginning of our relationship?" he replied that he was just "trying to be a nice guy."
"When a guy dumps you, just give him the impression it doesn't bother you, even if it's killing you inside. He does not deserve that power over you."I felt so ugly. I could not fathom that he was actually acting like a jerk to get me to go away, so I blamed myself. I promised to work out and get "fit enough" for him, so he reluctantly said we could try again in a week. Thankfully, I talked to my family and gained enough sense to say "I don't want to be with you if you don't want to be with me," and we parted ways for good.
This guy was especially cold and has made it clear he is perfectly happy without contacting me ever again, but I know some guys who will take another route for the same situation: stringing along a dead relationship (because the girl begged for him to stay) and using her up when she's convenient for sex, money, food, and killing time. Then, when it is time for the dude to find someone new, move, or graduate, he officially dumps the girl who did everything she could to save the relationship.
"The butterflies a man can give you is never worth an unsatisfying relationship or mistreatment."
When a guy dumps you, just respond with something like "okay" and give him the impression it does not bother you, even if it is killing you inside. He does not deserve that power over you. He does not deserve the satisfaction of seeing you in pain over him, or an excuse to call you "crazy" and "clingy." Just because he meant a lot to you, and he claimed you meant a lot to him does not mean he actually felt that way.
The incongruence of my ex-boyfriend's kind words and painful words left me confused and wondering what I did wrong.
Unfortunately, I let those soul-shredding words haunt me every day for months, and I could have prevented myself from being so vulnerable if I dumped him earlier or told him I accepted it right away when he dumped me.
5) Acknowledge You Tried Your Best and Accept He Was Not Right for You
The butterflies a man can give you is never worth an unsatisfying relationship or mistreatment. You were not put on this earth to please a man who refuses to do much for you nor compromise your dignity. You deserve to be treated as a human being, not someone to be used and/or ignored. You cannot give a man your all (even sex) and expect him to suddenly start treating you like you treat him.
No matter how good you are to him, no matter how understanding you are, or how much space you give him, or how many lame excuses you accept without question, he will not treat you the way you want to be treated. If not contacting him means you will not see each other often or at all (because he does not contact you much), drop it.
Walk away before you invest too much into a guy who really is not into you.
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