Is my boyfriend settling?

[meianoite]

Hi-

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months and it's been great-- but, in the 1st month, he was suddenly contacted by his ex. He then went ahead and:

-lied to me and told me she was only a "friend" of his (when actually this was his ex of 2 years that he had proposed to 9 months earlier, ring and all, she had originally said yes and then turned him down- then they broke up)

-contacted her one night after we had a fight because he thought we had broken up

-hid that he was still contacting her even though I found text messages and calls as proof accidentally

-continued to contact her even though he knew she wanted him back

They had contacted each other so much, that one night he sat me down and said he was "confused" over which one of us he wanted to be with. I tried to help him make the most objective decision (for him to choose her) and he instead chose me. I should be happy but I'm not because I think he chose me for the wrong reasons:

-I have strong future goals (career, life and all-- she had none)

-I'm 2 years older than him (she's the same age as him and acted immature in his opinion

-She lives 2000 or so miles away and I'm local

-Because he felt I didn't deserve to be kicked to the curb because I treated him good and loved him (he had to work hard for her love and felt under appreciated)

-She's "good for right now" and I'm "better for his future"

-He believes he'll never find a woman that is 100% of what he wants so he'd rather be with someone that comes close even though I'm not physically what he wants (racially and my features- but she was everything physically that he wanted in a woman)

He said if I wasn't there that night for him, he would've chosen her.

Other than that, I know she was EVERYTHING he wanted in a girl apart from her complete lack of ambition...I know he loves me (and still loves her too), and I think he'd be really REALLY hurt if I left him, but, I don't think our love can ever touch what they had or at least what he thought they had- especially since she was his first love and I think he tries to convince himself were worth it.

My question is:

Do you all think he's settling by being with me?

AND

Do you all think I should break up with him so he can eventually get back together with her because I know he'd be happier in the long run (even though I love him so much)?

THANK YOU!

[thegodfather]

This is one of the best questions that I think I'll ever come across on this site.

I'll begin by saying as a male, our first ACTUAL love will stay with us forever. And I will conclude is saying, as much as we are in love with someone else, they still keep a place in our heads. It's completely normal.

This is good for you though. Because he is definitely not settling. He is taking a big step from being immature, to realizing what life is actually about. (we can argue if its about love, money, standard of living blah blah blah, but that's beside the point, its about a mixture of the three)

I think that he's still at the early stages of figuring out what is going on in his head, and therefore a break up is completely out of the question. (sorry)

This part though, is completely up to you (what to do next).

Please, do what is right for you, not what is right for him. If he made the decision, it's completely immoral of you to go BACK on his choice. You'd leave him completely clueless, and probably in a worse that than anything that he's ever been through.

I don't know exactly what I'd do your position, but keep in mind that you do love him, and he does love you, so anything you do require some communication with the other person, but with that - you simply cannot make the wrong choice.

Good luck! and I hope things work out in a way that's best for both of you.

[meianoite]

Thank you so much for the compliment!

I definitely agree- I still love my first love just not in the sense that I'd run back tomorrow to be with him- but more in the sense that we did a lot of growing and finding ourselves with one another and we did so many things together and made so many plans. You really think this is good? I'm so worried everyday that he's settling and thinking more about his future happiness than his current happiness.....

[jerseyse410]

I think he's settling for the next best thing that reminds him of his Ex and now that his ex is back in the picture, neither of them can commit to each other again since he is in a relationship with you. I don't think that he really knows what he wants. It obviously didn't work out between them two for some reason so why will it work this time? Also, it sounds like he's keeping his options open. He cares for both of you and feels torn, its not fair to all 3 of you and unfortunately you are stuck in the middle. It's going to cause you pain right now but I would suggest talking to him and letting him know that you aren't going to be his second best, that he needs to make a choice and either go back to his ex and let you move on for someone who is right for you. OR he needs to break it off with his ex completely and focus on being the best partner and the best man he can be for you. I wish you the best of luck.

[meianoite]

I definitely think he's settling for everything he would WANT his ex to be- even if when they were together, she just wasn't....I totally agree. I SOOO think he DOESN'T know what he wants too! "It obviously didn't work out between them two for some reason so why will it work this time?" <-----

HE SAID THAT BEFORE HIMSELF! But I always thought if it was worth questioning for him, then it should be equally worth pursuing- even if out of curiosity. lol btw ot- lol you're from jersey? me too! lol

[jerseyse410]

I was born in cape may courthouse, cape may courthouse county new jersey. I live in alabama now unfortunately, but I plan on moving back up north when I finish college

[meianoite]

Nice! Cape May is beautifulllllll!!!! Alabama? really? its funny because a lot of people from our area end up down south at some point, lol how do you like it there? I'm from around new brunswick so it's a little ways up north from where you were born (okay, lol, a lot!)- yayy! definitely come back up- lol even though nj is considered "the armpit of the us" lol nothing even comes CLOSE! its the only state you can call someone a douche bag, flick people off while driving AND get away with it! lol

[jerseyse410]

Haha yeah I miss new jersey a lot. I miss it and I really don't like being down here. I've been in alabama for about the past 8 years now and I want out. If I couldn't live in jersey then I would live in so cal but new jersey definitely has a place in my heart.

[meianoite]

Lollll- I felt the same way... I moved to philly for a bit for college and even though its pathetically close to home lol, I missed jersey too! Really? I don't blame you for not liking it- I'm thinking its a completely different vibe than nj and that's what probably makes it hard. I've been to venice and its so lovely there. lol the only problem is everyone is way too chill and it makes me paranoid loll total opposite of nj in every way, but I agree this state will always have my heart too <3

[Anonymous]

He's settling. It's hard for you to leave him over this when you know he still does want you and did "choose" you in a sense. But I promise you this will eat away at you FOREVER. It will hurt you so much more overtime, yet it will be harder to leave him.

You should break up with him so he learns. Maybe he'll get back with her, maybe next time he finds someone special he won't treat them like this and let his stupid ex ruin something great. Either way you deserve better than this. You want to be treated special, and you'll always feel like crap when you think about this situation. It will NEVER get better, it will only get worse.

I'm sorry. The good news is it's only a few months, not longer. As much as it hurts I promise you will move on, and find someone that wants YOU. I know the thought of that sounds so much more amazing than what you're considering staying it. Good luck!

[meianoite]

That's exactly what I was thinking! I COMPLETELY agree that if I don't leave him now more time will only hurt him worse. I feel it getting worse even though he will NEVER admit that she could potentially be better for him. We looked at her MySpace 2 1/2 weeks ago, and he looked sad, desperate even to see if she was with someone else then claimed "it was too soon for him to see that [her page]" which told me more about his feelings than he knows. Thanks so much for your answer! So helpful!