My ex girlfriend is stuck in the past?

[themastaplan]

my ex is stuck on how I used to be in the past. I was immature and didn't take a lot of things into consideration. I took her for granted a lot of the time...anyways after we split I've changed dramatically...i mean its good tho I like this change and who I am...i learned that I really do love her and that I want to be with her forever..I'm only 22 but I have that feeling that I know id be happy with her...i talked to her last night on the phone and she does good talking to me until she thinks of how I used to be and why I couldn't be the guy I am now - that wed be perfect if I was the way I am now when we dated (almost 2 months ago). she says she doesn't think we can ever truly be OK because of our past and that she cares about me like no one else but part of her still hates me...how can I get her to live for the future and not in the past and know that I will never hurt her again, emotionally that is. I want to show her I can be that guy she's always wanted...i know its hard to think we'd be OK because of our fights and stuff in the past but I've learned to deal with things so differently and I tell her I've matured a lot and she says she doesn't want to hear it because she gets upset I couldn't do that when we were dating...losing my best friend and girlfriend at the same time really changed me...its happened to me before(breaking up) but this is different, I have a completely different outlook on life because of it and I want to make her happy!...

do I still have a chance to convince her that things can be different and that we can live for the future?

how do I get her to stop remembering or keep thinking back to the past, she remembers the good times but also the bad...and yes I do too, but I try to stay positive and say "it was the past, yes it happened but its brought us to where we are today and we can be happy again"

can I get advice from both guys and girls on this here - anyone with a similar situation where it worked? - girls how can I help her move on and be with me in the future w/o hating me for the past?

also- I was going to ask her to breakfast this weekend but am thinking I shouldn't because she asked me not to text her as much because her mind goes crazy thinking about us and me and how we could have been and all that jazz..when we hang out in person we are so RIGHT together...she even said last time we hung out (2 and a half weeks ago) "this feels so right with you"...how do I get my foot in the door and get her to hang out with me in person...i wanted to start out with breakfast, something short and easy, then take it from there...any advice on how and when I should be doing this?

[Gustafsone12584]

I truly believe that words are only words unless there is action behind them. The good thing I read in your letter was… “I want to show her I can be that guy she's always wanted”. Those are the things you need to do. Show her everyday that you’ve changed, because even hurting someone emotionally will continue to reside for the other person.

It’s like the saying I once read “A broken vase isn’t the same anymore when it’s put back together, because it has it’s cracks…. The difference between you, and your ex is it’s emotional cracks. Emotional cracks can be healed, but through time, and unfortunately it’s through her time, and no one else’s. Trust me on that… I’ve been in the same aspect in which I’ve destroyed my best friend, because of lying, in who I was. But with time, and the ability to show her the action I’m taking gives meaning to my love for my friend. Another saying….”time will tell”. Time will show your ex, with the actions your making.

But to answer your questions….

“Do you still have a chance to convince her that things can be different?”

I think so, but you can’t push things either. She has to believe, even if you do, it doesn’t make any difference, unless she believes. You can’t stop someone from thinking about the past… but more to the point… you can’t stop someone from being hurt.

“...i wanted to start out with breakfast, something short and easy, then take it from there...any advice on how and when I should be doing this?”

Know here’s an idea….It just came to me… If you can’t get her to come to breakfast, why not have breakfast come to her. Woman love surprises, but more to the point, it shows how much you love her, and those small surprises brings what you feel to life, it’s those actions as it were….

Hope things work out….

[themastaplan]

I have a new update...she told me yesterday she doesn't want to talk to me because she will never get over me if I dont...then she randomly said I'm seeing someone else and theyve met my family and he's really nice to me and I can't talk to you because I will never get over you...now I don't think she's seeing someone - how can she if she's not over me yet? how is that fair to him? its very strange to me...but I'm leaving her alone now for good - I can't take this emotional back and fourth with her

[themastaplan]

She promised me shed never talk to me about a guy because she doesn't want me talking to her about a girl, ever...how does this all make sense? how can she be "seeing" someone - not dating them, but seeing them and still not be over me? I don't get it? she continually says if its meant to be it will be which I agree with - I haven't really given her time at all because we still talk - I need her to realize if she misses me without me in her life - I'm just so thrown off by I'm not over you but seeing sum1?

[CulticSugar]

Look she is in pain and I have seen both sides of this.

You have to make her understand in one way or another you are sorry for what happened and try and start to show her. Asking her to go out to breakfast or another one on one event may not be the best till you get through some group time. Go out with friends and try to just make connections.

Try not to talk about the past to much and eventually you will see a change. group outings will be more like you and her hanging out with friends as she will spend more time with you then anything. then you ask her out one on one.

[_Punk-aSs_Mary-Jayne]

I think you sound like a manipulative guy who just does things for the pleasure of himself at other people's expense, and she needs closure.

And your words don't mean sh*t compared to your actions

you have to actually show that you won't let her down again

and that you are there for HER, not for YOUR OWN happiness.

And it also sounds like she can't trust your actions even when it seems like you are telling the truth.

Jeeze it sounds like you are infactuated and not inlove, if you knew what love was you would probably still be together, if I'm correct.

If I'm not then I'm sorry I don't know enough about the situation

. But point being I think you are not inlove with her, you are just inlove with the idea of her; and chances are- she loved you but you broke her heart.

and now that you realized what you lost you are starting to understand love;

but in her mind you didn't love her- otherwise sh*t wouldn't have went down like that.

So for her to have closure she needs to SEE it not hear it.

And its not about getting your foot in the door

, its about weather or not SHE wants to talk to you or not. That is RESPECT.

TRUST, LOYALTY, RESPECT,

without those there IS NO relationship.

Good luck- Its about your perception of what a relationship consists of,

and that is found in your mind.

Knowledge isn't power unless you use it.

--- P* U*. and K* -E*- A$$ -M-@ry J@y-ne---->

[greeneyedgal]

I am not sure exactly what transpired before but it must have been prolific and ongoing for awhile. While I commend you for identifying what you needed to change for yourself and putting forward the effort, she needs time. The best way to lure her back is to take things slowly and be CONSISTENT in your actions. What I mean is, when you communicate or get together with her, you have to show her the matured and improved you. The more she is exposed to this, she will become more assured and trust that you have changed. Actions speak volumes.

I think that she still cares very deeply for you and I think based on what she said you have a chance. You need to step slowly with her, don't overwhelm her and understand that again this till take time. It's not easy for everyone to erase or forget wrong past doings. If you love her and want to be with her again this is a sacrifice that you will need to make.

I'd recommend that you invite her out to breakfast and keep it simple. Take things slowly and see what happens.

Best of luck.

[themastaplan]

Wow thank you, A LOT...sometimes I need reassurance from women so I don't go crazy...i tend to over analyze what she's been saying lately because I want to hear what well I want to hear...ive always known that this won't happen over night, I just get insecure sometimes...i want to not tell her I've changed but show her...i really do, I just am doubting my chances of getting her 1v1...should I ask her this friday when I see her at her job after I work out? or should I wait till next week

[themastaplan]

I keep re reading that post, and it is some of the best advice I've been given...i sometimes slip by telling her I miss her because I want her to know! so badly! that I'm this guy she's been trying to get outta me because she knows I can be the way I am now - I feel she's a little unsure if this is for real so she's hiding holding her emotions back - I will take your advice and consistantly show her how I am now, SLOWLY but surely- more mature and understanding...may I keep you updated on my progress?

[greeneyedgal]

Well, I am glad this was helpful to you. I think you should ask her out next week so you don't come on too strong. And, by all means, keep me updated because I'd like hear the progression of things. Send me a message or whatever you want. Take care!

[themastaplan]

She called me yesterday and asked where I was (I hadnt shown up to work out yet). I came in and stopped by her desk and asked what she wanted, she said she was just wondering hwy I hadnt shown up yet...we cahtted a bit then I said 'you look really beautiful'...she smiled and sarcastically said 'you dont' I later saw her that night, I had to give her something, I got her outta the car and hugged her and kissed her forehead. then said...(next comment)

[themastaplan]

'man you gotta stop doing this' she replied 'doing what' I said 'blowing me away, every time I see you, you look gorgeous' she put on a big smile and thanked me...then I said 'ok well I've gotta get going I'm meeting with some people tonight' and she was kinda bummed it seemed that I was leaving so quick(she was going out 2) but I didn't want to drag anything on...im plannign on asking her to bfast next week and hopefully picking up from there...im keeping it CONSISTANT and slow...i hope this works!

[greeneyedgal]

It's working.....look at her reaction! :) HA!

If it does work then I think your next move is to come back to GAG and vote for best answer!

[themastaplan]

W/o a doubt! she's been contacting me more, its very weird, I thought I had no chance...i mean I still don't want to get my hopes up but I think things are turning for the better, now that she remembers how much I care about her I've got to CONSISTENTLY and slowly(I keep reminding myself that lol) show that I've matured and am now SURE I know what I want - end of march I should kno for sure when her parents are out of town if she invites me to stay(I hope!) but I will take it slow and not get hopes up

[themastaplan]

So I texted her today around 130 to see if she was feelin less stressed as of this friday when she told me she's been really stressed out...and I still haven't gotten a reply, why wouldn't she reply to something so harmless and simple...it makes my mind think that she's seeing someone else or with someone else, like another guy...id be devastated if she was seeing someone else, what I don't know can't hurt me, but my mind just races when she doesn't reply to something so simple...are these signs?

[greeneyedgal]

I doubt she is seeing someone already. She might be busy and forgot to text. Maybe she wants to be alone for now and that's why she didn't respond. Don't overthink it. Let her come to you.

[themastaplan]

She responded 8 hours later lol at 930 last night...said "yea I'm doing good thanks for giving me that the other day I appreciate it" I said "haha k" no response back..wasn't expecting one either, my mind can't help to wander and think why would it take 8 hours to reapond she always has her phone on her..I feel like I want to ask her and have her be honest if she's seeing/sleeping with someone so I know my limits..Im nervous to find out the answer I don't think she would but I'm not 100% convinced

[themastaplan]

To me it's weird that on weekends she responds differently but during the week she doesn't...I mean during the week she has school and stuff going on and no time for anything else..work then school...weekends she hangs out with her girl and guy friends...all guy freinds she's met recently that I don't know..I mean she still gets butterflies when seeing me, I just can't help but think she's seeing one of her new guy friends..how do I know if she is or how can I get these thoughts out mymind! :(

[greeneyedgal]

I understand you're taking a risk here and you're trying to win her back. However, part of maturity is letting her live her own life independent of you. It's not healthy to sit by the phone to wait for someone to contact you. She probably is in mourning over the breakup just like you. I doubt it would be that easy to see or date already, especially if she still gets butterflies. You need to focus on self improvement for now. The rest will work itself out.

[themastaplan]

Hmm..never thought of it that way...I just can't help but get thoguhts in my head and usually they o away and I'm ok after a while..I just get I secure and try to remind myself she cares about me and loves me weather ahe admits it now or not...I know she loves me I wanna get her yo be back in love with me...so keep being consistant showin I care but take it slow is whati gotta do I guess...this is a risk I'm willin to take I just hope it works out inthe end

[msbossy]

wow you must of really hurt her I was hurt deeply not too long ago so what I do know is all you can do is don't just say you have changed or don't just say you love her show her actions are every thing and give her lots of reasurance. weeks down the line don't stop the every day hugs and kisses and attention keep that going every day no matter what good luck

[saulito]

she likes to hold grudges doesn't she...why don't you ask her to try things out without making any promises...if you see that she can't forget the past then she will always bring it up when you guys are married...if you think you can handle her nagging about your past then go for it..if not then you have your answer right there...good luck dude...

[Anonymous]

Man is a knot into which relationships are tied.

[ILOVME]

THEN ASK HER OUT AN TELL HER You LOV HER