Girlfriend cheated, made me feel like it was my problem?

My girlfriend of 3.5 years cheated on me last week. I was so devastated and still am. When I found out, I really wanted to try and work on things between us. I didn't want to just give up on something that I've invested years of my time and happiness into, and give up all my near and distant future plans with her.

So I tried to make it work and it did for a while. Then all of the sudden she shut me out this week, started being super distant. So I tried harder and then we had the breakup talk. But SHE was breaking up with ME! She said that she just doesn't think we belong together and that I am TOO THERE for her when she is sad. Projection much?

Anyways, we broke up on mostly good terms, and she said, in her words, "Also I just wanna tell you that I have no intentions to see anyone for a very long time." but I found out from the guy she cheated with that she reached out to him and asked if there was "anything there" between them and I don't care to know anything else.

Basically I'm heartbroken and torn: I poured hours these past few days trying to figure out how I can save things, only to come across this result. We're supposed to meet up for final adieus this weekend, but I don't know if I should confront her or just let things end? Please any advice would be fantastic. Thank you.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • "She said that she just doesn't think we belong together and that I am TOO THERE for her when she is sad." Umm, wow! I don't even know how this could be a problem! Most people would be grateful to have a loving and supportive partner! I can't even begin to understand where her thought process on this is.

    I'm really sorry to hear about this situation happening to you. It sounds like you are a very balanced, loving, caring boyfriend. You didn't deserve what happened to you, not one bit.

    Thing is, you tried to fix things and she wasn't willing to try. Making a relationship work takes two people. If one isn't trying, then what's the point? You deserve a girlfriend who will love you and not cheat when things get hard. Relationships are never perfect, but you need someone who can weather the storm. For some reason this person isn't able to do that. It's tough when you have a history, but you are so much better off moving on than trying to make something work when it doesn't.

    Sounds to me like you two have different ideas on how a relationship should look. I know I would personally love someone like you in my life bc I, like you, am very caring. I always try to be there for people in their time of need.

    Try to keep busy, and spend time with friends and family. I'm sure you will meet someone who can appreciate how wonderful you really are!

    I totally know the devastating effects cheating can have a on a person, as I have been cheated on in the past.

    I honestly think you need to just let her go. I know it won't be easy. But you deserve SO MUCH BETTER! You truly do! Somehow there became a disconnect between you two. Not sure why she did what she did, but it sounds to me like she's not really connected to you anymore. I'm really sorry to have to say.

    A confrontation will just make you feel bad, because you still care about her on some level.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • That sucks man, but I can certainly relate. I was with my ex for 4 years (we also lived together) and we ended in November. She didn't cheat, but she did end it, and like you... I also wanted it to work out since we invested so much time.

    After she moved out, I tried contacting her a week or two later, she shot me down. I tried once more on the third week... no luck either. Then I decided fuck it, I'm moving on...

    So I'm gonna tell you how to play this... I made the mistake of reaching out to her in the beginning. I know it's almost unbearable to resist, but do NOT do it. Here's why... after I decided 'fuck it' on the third week, something interesting happened... a couple weeks later, she re-added me on social media. I never accepted. A couple weeks after that, she texted me. I ignored. And she has since texted me 3 more times. I never replied. The reason is because I have truly moved on, and I'm currently dating 3 girls haha... living the dream.

    The reason you cannot contact her is because you have to let her miss you. If you are constantly bugging her, then it will only make her upset, and she won't miss you.

    Also, girls enjoy playing mind games. As long as you're chasing her, then she knows she still has you on a leash, and this gives her a sick sense of pleasure. But the way you fight back is by disappearing completely. It won't take long for her to start wondering why you aren't contacting her... did he move on? Did he meet someone else? Etc. These thoughts will start racing through her mind, and she will eventually drive herself insane and if she still cares, then she WILL contact you.

    However, if/when she does, then you need to have a game plan in mind. Stay cool, calm, and in control if you do decide to talk to her again. Don't go crawling back.

    BUT she cheated on you man, that's a fucking dagger to the heart. I can't even imagine if that was an issue added on top of my situation. Anyway, you deserve better than that, and so my advice is to move on and let her go. I was originally dreading it, but being single is awesome, and once you meet a cool girl then your ex will be forced out of your memory. It DOES get easier, I promise.

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What Girls Said 20

  • I'm very sorry to hear about what happened. I can somewhat understand how devastating it can be to be not only cheated on but to learn just how far back and deep the betrayal really went outside of the purely physical act.

    What's the sense in confronting her, though? The chances that she'll break down and own up to having done anything wrong. It'll most likely be a classic case of her shifting the blame, that she'd done it because she was really horny and/or you'd been particularly neglectful in the period where she began cheating. Leaving you feeling even worse...
    Best just leave her and all the cheating in the past.

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  • You're definitely "hubby material", and this freaks her out. The prospect of a future together is especially scary when you're not ready for it. She's still young, trying to figure herself out, and curious. We all know what curiosity makes us do--explore. When you're feeling adventurous, you try to detach from things that hold us down. In this case, you.

    Simply put, she's just not ready for a hubby because she doesn't want to settle. Both of you are on different levels, so there's no use in trying to win her back. Even if you win her back, she'll still be curious. Eventually, she'll do this all over again--wasting even more time. If you don't let her go, she'll see you as the figure that held her back.

    When she finally grows a pair, then the possibility of getting back with her is feasible. But until then, build yourself as an individual. Be adventurous! You're still young. Never waste a moment on the past. Look forward to your own future. Good luck buddy <3

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    • It's not necessarily that he's hubby material and she's not ready for it, sounded more to me like they have different relationship styles. ... when she said he is "too there" I took that to mean that she needs more space to herself when things are rough whereas he's the type who needs emotional closeness.

  • Honestly, just let things end. A confrontation won't make you feel better. It will probably make you feel worse.

    I understand what it's like to try to save a relationship and have it blow up in your face. My opinion of these things is that it's just better to let it go completely. Sometimes things don't work out, despite how hard you try to make them work. I think that trying to save this relationship right now is only going to backfire.

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  • I think that you should just let things end, the more you fight for someone that you use to have you'll soon realize that it's not really what you truly want when you get it. I understand 3.5 years is a long time but shows that she didn't take the relationship seriously towards the end that she knew it was destined to end otherwise she wouldn't have cheated.

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  • Don't beg for her back.. been in this position before and the more you beg and plead, the worse it is. Just be cool, end it, and stop talking to her. Don't be there emotionally for her when she calls, texts, etc.. until she wants to have a talk about getting back together (if you actually want to), then cut yourself off from her. It'll make her want you more since she seems kind of immature. :( it'll get better.. plenty of fish in the sea.

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  • She can't appreciate you. So, as much as you love her, she's calling it a quits. Saying you're too 'THERE for her' is rubbish. Absolute rubbish. If she wanted you, no amount was TOO MUCH.

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  • Count your lucky stars you got out when you did! It sounds like the Bi$@h had already moved on a while ago, and isn't considering your feelings.

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  • She's clearly no longer checked into this relationship so there is no ensemble trying to force it or trying to change her mind. It's over. Pick up the pieces and move on.

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  • No, no, no... She is NOT the one. Once you have realized this you will move on much quicker. Meet up with her, why? I wouldn't.

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  • She cheated on you, move on and find someone else.

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  • Sounds like she was only a chapter in your life that has come to an end.
    Letting go is hard because you had a meaningful relationship, but you'll move forward.

    Besides, I don't thing you're losing much by letting a cheater walk out of your life...

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  • Sometimes relationships don't work. She sounds like she is done with this relationship for good. I would let it be. I know its easier said than done, but trust me its for the best on the long run. Additionally, don't let this experience change your view on women. Not all are assholes who cheat.
    Best wishes

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  • I would drop it and try to move on... To me it doesn't make sense though... You, a man who would be there for her whenever she needs it... Why would you let such a man go?
    Don't blame yourself, it's her

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  • let her go she doesn't deserve you. You did every thing you could save the relationship, but she is the one who threw it all away. lift your head up stand tall love your self, a deserving women will find you count on it.

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  • Better off without her. Cheating people usually try to take blame off themselves they are liars after all.

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  • Hi did this urg I felt Terrible cheating. I did it again ew so women are jsut as cheats as dudes so true I seen it hear t experience it. You need her!!! It will take you 3 months to get over!! Try running outdoors

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  • No point, end it. Don't give her any more reason to let her guilt go. She's feeling it, she wants you to confront her. Don't do it.

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  • What a b*tch. I don't know what I would say, but I was just broken up with by my over 3 year boyfriend, and he didn't say anything. Didn't have anything to tell me. I know it hurts... this is truly a very long time to be dating someone. I know it will be hard to forget her. I don't know if I would even want to meet up with her, just never talk to her again (although I know how hard that is). It's very upsetting. Actually, my boyfriend did kind of say, "You are too clingy" but I don't see that as a bad thing, it's because of how much I love him. I still love him, but I know we are never getting back together.

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  • What were the signs she was cheating?

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  • Is she a sleep around? Confront her for sure. i lost a relationship awhile back accusing my boyfriend of cheating at a bar with a far too drunk women looking for a handout. Later found from a friend.. Was just bad. Important you hold her accountable, its likely she may have done something but every once in awhile you have a case of bad luck in a bad environment.

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What Guys Said 16

  • I wouldn't even meet with her she fucked you over and has no regrets so, why meet with her? She's only going to tell you lies. This meeting is only so she can feel better and get closure or whatever. Just don't go. There's no way she's coming back so fuck her and get drunk or something :).

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  • You can't save something that was drowned in the river. Her decision sounds pretty final, in fact, I tend to say people cheat when their relationship is over without their partner knowing about it.

    Sorry.

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  • Why would you even try to salvage anything with her? She obviously prioritized herself over your relationship she doesn't care about you obviously. Move on find yourself some one who actually cares and when you next see her call her out, let her know how horrible she was for destroying three years of your life, to be able to throw that and you away with such ease etc. Don't let her off the hook. She broke up with you after cheating on you, thats bullshit. You should have broken up with her immediatley. Call her out and don't let her go without her knowing how terrible a person she is. Maybe she won't screw over the next guy she is with (which is thankfully not you, you get to be with some one better now.)

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  • try to be civil one last time she isn't worth expending anymore energy or anger on. look at it this way you gave her a chance but she is to self centered to be with you. i know its hard but look at this as a chance to start a new chapter in your life were you can find someone who treats you with the love and respect you deserve

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  • Man... Don't even meet her. These last encounters are always sad and never ever end well. Let it end, call it off and move on.

    I know it's sad, but you'll get over it. Good luck! ;)

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  • I'm sorry to say that ir sounds like she fell out of love with you before cheating, so it could never be saved. Sometimes when a guy is "too nice" the woman can lose respect for him, and it sounds like this might be the problem with her saying that you're "too there" when she's sad and you were willing to forgive her for cheating. The problem isn't that you're supportive, it's that you're too soft, she probably knew you'd forgive her and try to fix things, and in doing so you probably turned her off more since most self-respecting men would end it right away. Of course it's not that bad and it's not exactly your fault as you were just being a decent boyfriend, women are just weird. If I was you I'd forget this final meeting, cut the cheating whore out of your life and move on.

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  • yah it's a pretty fucked up world, i had the same situation, a cheater will find thousand reasons to make excuses and will blame her/his partner to not feel bad about themselves, it's very common and natural in human behavior

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  • "Also I just wanna tell you that I have no intentions to see anyone for a very long time." Translated from pathetic individual to human language: I really do plan on seeing someone but I just want to end this conversation soon.
    Forget about her, if she cheated once, she will likely cheat again. Certain character traits can be worked on and improved, but most cheaters will remain cheaters.

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  • Sorry about what happened. But I think it would be in your best interest if you just let it all end and moved on. Breaking up is hard and it hurts but I think she has already left and will not return.
    Take some time, do things to keep busy, don't mope, and in time, you will be moving on too. Stay positive and don't look back.

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  • Just trencher this thing.. Women are very sleek now a days.. Your can't trust them..

    If with any girl things are going down let it die completely... Sometimes you have to let it go...

    Your girlfriend is a bitch.. And you should have dumped her long before...

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    • *just remember this thing... Women are very slutty now a days

    • Well, I wouldn't generalize, that's like saying mean are all players, man-sluts... clearly there are still some good out there and just hope you attract them.

  • Stop being sad. It's time to get angry, OP. I am sorry to tell you but she probably has been cheating on you for a long time but you only realized it now.

    Go lift some weights, go do some fighting, go shoot a gun. Anger is fuel and you should use it.

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  • It's a really tough time, man, I've been there... If you feel like screaming at her, do, if you don't, avoid it.

    But in any case, avoid getting back with her - it will happen again!!

    It may seem hard to believe now, but time does heal...

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  • Your girlfriend is retarded. Sorry.

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  • pathetic

    kill yourself

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  • You're "too there" for her when she is sad? What the fuck😂 Surely that's a good thing?

    Personally bro, I think this is a blessing in disguise. Count your lucky stars you don't have to spend the rest of your life with such a nonsensical slut. Don't even be upset, there's so much more pussy to slay and now that you're single, you can experience as many types as you want. She clearly doesn't love you so why would you wanna stay? Any other girl would do anything to have a guy who is "too there" for her when she is upset.

    Drop the whore and move on.

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