I'm confused - who's the dumper and the dumpee in my break-up?

[Anonymous]

This one is weird and I don't know why I feel we're both.

So to make a long story short, I had a fling with this girl. We agreed it wouldn't be anything serious, just casual. It lasted three months or so. Anyways, the break up went down like this:

The girl claimed she wasn't interested in anything serious, but I told her I was developing some feelings for her. She told me she didn't feel anything towards me, so I told her we should stop seeing each other and cut contact. She got sad and angry and left.

For a short period of time, I felt like I was the dumpee and she was the dumper based on the fact that she rejected me saying she doesn't have feelings, but afterwards I sense that she's the dumpee too since I was the one who said we should stop seeing each other and she was the one who was obviously hurt by it. Well, I was hurt too, but you get what I mean.

So solve this mystery for me, please - Who's the dumper and who's the dumpee?

[allison13]

I don't think you should dwell on who dumped whom too much. Is it that important to you?

It sounds like you were the dumper, based on what you said, but I'd say it was more mutual because she said she doesn't feel the same way you feel for her. I experienced something similar with my ex. He said he saw an "expiration date" for our relationship but didn't want to break up so I said it's better if we break up now if you see us breaking up in the future anyway. I'm not sure who dumped whom so I just say it was mutual because we agreed that that was the best thing to do at the time.

[Asker]

With your ex, how did he react afterwards? Because sometimes being rejected in any way makes the dumpee lose the power and therefore end up being hurt and heartbroken. Let's face it, had he broken up with you when he was ready, he would probably be satisfied and would move on quickly and you would be there to collect the pieces. When before I had feelings for her, I think I've fallen in love with her now that she's out of my life, and she's been showing signs of being hung up on me.

[allison13]

Well what happened was my ex told me that we could stay friends. We kept in contact with each other for a while, but only through texts and online. He even contacted my close friend online and asked her to "be there for me" because we broke up. He greeted my on my birthday. We never called each other or saw each other and when I asked him if he wanted to go out with our other friend, us three, he said he wasn't ready. After a while I noticed he stopped being vocal in his texts. So I assumed he had moved on already and wasn't interested in what I had to say and we never saw each other again. I greeted him on his birthday through text and he texted back thank you but that was it. He didn't greet me on my birthday again after that and we haven't been in contact since. I just felt bad that we agreed to still be friends but he didn't try to keep in touch.

[fauchelevent]

I think you're the dumper. I mean, she said she didn't feel anything towards you but she made no move to end the relationship or fling or whatever you wanna call what you two were involved in. You're the one that chose to do that, so you're the one that dumped her. Whoever was hurt is irrelevant.

[Asker]

It's just so frustrating. I feel A LOT more for her now than I ever did when we were together, and lately she's been showing signs of being a bit hung up on me, and now I don't know how to react, because I think she may be trying to get a reaction out of me. I know rejection causes people to get re-attracted, but I'm not sure if it's the right way to go. It's working on me.

[allison13]

You're right. I think a part of the reason it took so long for me to get over my ex was because I felt rejected. I wanted to get him back just so I could feel like he accepted me. Something like that. I don't know if this is what's happening with your ex too but maybe if you see each other you can see how she behaves, or maybe ask her point blank what she wants. You can say you still have feelings for her but if she isn't serious about getting back together then you shouldn't waste each other's time.

[Cloudy25]

You are the dumper, since you were the one who ended the relationship just as you said.

[heyguy88]

None of you are, you guys weren't even going out as girlfriend boyfriend, it was just a casual thing, so how could you dump her? " oh im starting to feel stuff for you, and want you to be my girlfriend, oh you don't want to be my girlfriend? OK I'm dumping you"

[WombRaider]

You dumped her, quite clearly. Telling her that you think you should "stop seeing eachother" meant you didn't see the relationship going anywhere and you wanted out.

You regretting it or is this an ego boost?

[Asker]

I'm regretting it, I guess. I mean, the ONLY reason I chose to stop whatever we had was because she said she didn't feel anything for me. Her reaction was just heartbreaking and got me very confused. I expected her to just go along with it since she wasn't in love with me. I'm heartbroken too, but in another way. I'm sad she doesn't have feelings, she's probably sad I don't want to have her in my life. Either way, I've been sensing she's a little hung up on me lately. I'm hung up on her too, and we're both stubborn as fvck, so I don't know how to get out of this situation, because it's like I've fallen really in love with her after I ended things with her.

[WombRaider]

I'm going to explain what happened.

You weren't congruent. You "agreed it wouldn't be anything serious, just casual", and, after 3 months, you pretty much went back on your word because you were "developing some feelings for her".

You were broken hearted when she told you she "wasn't interested in anything serious" and you overreacted by dumping her, and she got angry because it hurt her.

I don't why people rush into expressing their feelings, especially guys. Relationships should form and flow naturally, and, in my opinion, you should leave the women to express how they feel first.

Now, I assume you want her back?

[Asker]

Yes, I think I may want her back. What's the best approach according you? It's different because I don't feel like I would look pathetic reaching out, because it was my idea to end it in the first place.

[WombRaider]

I've told you. Get in contact with her, tell her you made the stupidest mistake dumping her and you've regretted it ever since. You really want to see her.

If she tells you no, just ask her to contact you if she changes her mind and move on.

Chances are she might contact you and, if she does, just assume she wants to see you. Organise a date and meet up and have fun... but DON'T talk about the break up or past relationship... only if SHE does.

[Asker]

The last time we spoke was when I dumped her and it was a pretty heated argument where she was angry as fvck. How can just ignore that when meeting her again. That'll be like the biggest elephant in the room. I've also noticed she may be a little angry with me, she's been doing stuff on social media to clearly piss me off.

[WombRaider]

Ignore social media.

You have to learn to not speak of the break up. If she talks about just listen to her.

That's all the advice I can give.

[MikeGaultier]

You initiated, therefore, you dumped.