Having Another Relationship While Married?

I'll keep this short.

My mom is very very open with me. She's been with my father for 20 years, and is out of love with him. He's basically free loaded off her for a decade while I was growing up and claimed to be taking care of me. He always had a good work ethic and we suspected he was burned out or depressed but after six months and going to therapy, he hasn't given a clear answer or sought help and it continued for 9.5 more years.

He has paid nothing he's supposed to so my mother has paid for everything for all 3 of us in a VERY expensive part of the US. We both pretty much hate him for that and other reasons but that should be a good background.

Anyways she can't divorce right now because I'm heading off to college and other issies so it's a horrible time to. She's communicated to him that she doesn't love him and I feel horrible and I want her to have someone and be with someone. Should I mention to her to maybe try to find someone else? Of course talking to my father and making sure that's okay, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea to even mention it. Thoughts?

Updates:
Sorry if it wasn't clear but I was suggesting an open marriage until they got a divorce

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Most Helpful Guy

  • If she bangs someone while she's married a divorce court won't look kindly on that. I don't see why this is acceptable for a woman but not for a man, usually people get married then women contribute nothing financially for a decade while the kids grow up and nobody thinks the man is entitled to go and find some new pussy.

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    • Knowing her she probably wouldn't have sex with them, it'd just be a more romantic relationship. I'm sure it'd be fine for both to do this, they just need to communicate about it. I think in your situation he's just cheating.

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    • For communicating in their marriage and asking for her consent versus just cheating? People would spit at that? Seems offly stupid

    • You're being perverse, you know what I mean.

Most Helpful Girl

  • No. Because that is still adultery and by doing so, you aiding in causing your mom much more trouble. If that gets out in court or something, she can be in big trouble, and that will cause problems for your fundings for college. That is still a law. And if they found out you helped her, you can get in trouble for that too. Because they will put it as you helping to destroy the marriage. I know because I have been in a similar situation where I was accused of help my mother do something that she did not even do, or ever thought about doing. And all that stress made my mother sicker and her cancer came back very aggressively over that. Don't. Whatever your mother chooses to do is own her. Do not aid her in a sinful act, just because your father doesn't want to be one or a husband.

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    • If they discuss it and allow an open marriage it wouldn't be destroying the marriage and it's legal

    • @Asker in some states it may not be legal. Open marriages still destroy marriages. But they obviously don't even have a marriage. Plus this still should not be encouraged. That is teaching you that it's okay to do things like that. And its not. In the end it hurts people. More broader than you know. That is not how a marriage works. And marriage is far more complicated than this. It is best your parents figure out legally on what to do in your case. Overall, even if an open marriage was agreeable, it still would not look good in court. And she will get less alimony to support her and you. You do realize that right? If you don't believe me. Look up family court, grounds for divorce in your state and local county before making a suggestion such as that. I know this, because I been in discussions of divorce proceedings before. Its tricky business.

    • Thank you. I guess my vision of having her happy has blocked a lot.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 3

  • she shouldn't cheat. if they ever decided to get divorced your mother could get truly trashed in a divorce decision if your father knows she cheated

    plus it's just morally abhorrent behavior.

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  • I guess things with your father can't get worse right now, so your mom could at least TRY to find someone BEFORE you communicate that to your father, and later do so after things get serious with that new guy for your mom.

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    • I just feel so bad for her :( I'd want her to have his consent to an open marriage so she isn't cheating though

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    • I'm not sure but they have to agree on it or be seen before a judge. I don't think he'd ever take that money though

    • I wouldn't bet on that though

  • You could suggested it might make me feel better

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What Girls Said 2

  • No, cheating on your spouse makes you a whore and an asshole. Maybe people should stop marrying out of convenience and marry out of love, then they won't be stuck in situations like this. Marriage is supposed to be a forever thing, not a "I'll stick with you until you become a burden" thing.

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    • They did love each other, but after what he's done they have fallen out of love. She also wouldn't be cheating, it'd be an open marriage

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    • But she's the type of woman to start seeing someone else while being married? Well then she either stays married and works on her marriage or she gets divorced. But her starting something with someone else is not excusable and the simple fact that you would suggest something like that shows you have questionable morals.

    • I have no idea what she would do. All I'm asking is if I should ask her about it because I do not like seeing her miserable. We clearly have different opinions about open marriage but it is no reason to insult either me or my mother so please respect that.

  • she should research divorce a lot to make sure he doesn't get alimony. At least once you hit 18, she won't have to worry about custody or him getting child support if he wins but... she should make sure she won't lose anything from the divorce 1st.

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