Do men and women deal with break ups differently?

Question

So from what I've heard and read it's the woman that feel the break up straight away, whether they were the dumper or dumpee. As time passes they heal and start to embrace being single again. 

But that men feel a sense of almost relief perhaps as they now have their freedom back again. So they go out and try dating other woman or maybe just look for a hook up. However eventually they realise the grass isn't always greener and that they had a pretty incredible person in their life. 

Now whether this is true or not I don't know, I only know what I'm going through/have been through.

I think that women have a stronger support system as we tend to speak out our feelings to family and friends, where as men bottle it up to the point it sends them into a sort of depression. Also women wait until they're ready to date again, with their girl friends there for emotional support, however a guys male friends may encourage him to date again immediately and drown his sorrows away as opposed to listening and comforting. 

So guys and girls what have you been through? Is this an accurate generalisation for each gender or does each individual deal with it differently?

StewieRH · Accepted Answer

You raise some good points. I can't speak for anyone else but I will say how I have personally found breakups. I used to date a guy online (if you could call it that) and regretted it almost immediately. I couldn't break up the next day though as it was his birthday and I didn't feel right about it, it took me 10 days to work up the courage to break up with him. I tried to do it in a sensitive way but he did not take it well and I felt terrible for upsetting him like that, I knew it would be worst if I kept going out with him though. As I recall, I got over it pretty fast but I did cry when I broke up with him, I just felt so bad for upsetting him.

My 2nd break up was last year. I was seeing this guy who I liked more than the previous one but would still get my doubts sometimes. It wasn't official because he was 16 and I was 18 at the time so I pretty much avoided anything that hinted at being sexual since I wasn't sure it was morally right but we were pretty much dating and agreed to make it official when he was 17 in 2-3 months from then. He said he was fine with waiting and seemed to really like me but then ended up cheating.

I felt angry, sad, betrayed and embarrassed. But mostly I was disappointed. I went to my family & friends for support, didn't want to be left on my own the 1st day though went out by myself on the 2nd day to think, had trouble sleeping and didn't eat a whole lot for a few days. I was confused to, I just felt like a zombie or something. In time though, it got better. Plus, a boy I'd always found cute in senior school was trying to help/comfort me and talking to me on Skype and fb a lot. I certainly felt a bit better after a week or 2 but it did take longer for me to fully get over, it got better every day though with the support I got from my friends and family as well people I'd speak to online.

Going out with "Skype boy" now, I like him much more than anyone else I've dated though do still get my doubts now and again. They have become more persistent lately though because I would like some things in the relationship to change.

I've decided to talk him about this and see if changes before I decide to break up with him though. I've thought about it and I partly want to, but mostly I don't. I'd rather try and work it out because I still like him, don't want to hurt him, don't want anyone else having him and know I will be VERY depressed if I did.

I just pray it works out, because I do really want it to, though some changes will

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I think it depends on the person. I can only speak from personal experience on what I have dealt with as well as helping friends who had been through breakups. For me it hurts either way whether I was dumped or did the dumping it hurt for different reasons. Maybe I thought the person was great, honest and caring but had to dump him because he wasn't. It hurt for the reason of feeling fooled and tricked. Being dumped hurts a lot too. You think they really love you, will do anything to be with you and make all these big plans just to say "its over bye" just like that making it seem like you were never important and making you wonder if there is something wrong with you and wondering if you will be alone forever and unlovable. Some friends of mine (male and female) acted the same way. I think a lot of it depends on why the break up happened or who did the dumping. They say there is always one person in a relationship who cares more than the other and I think that plays a big part in it. doesn't matter if its a male or female. For those who did the dumping they may not think much of it now or a few years from now but it doesn't mean that one day they just think of that person they dumped and think "they were so great, why did I ever break up with them?" We all handle dumping and being dumped differently but at the end of the day you can find someone better who will appreciate you and all that you do.

molls_ · Accepted Answer

I completely agree.
I've analzyed many of my guy friends and they tend to go out every night with the buddies and drink, have bro time, hook up with random girls, date and repeat the cycle for a bit until one day they realize how much they miss having "a girlfriend" instead of a hook up. They miss the cuddling and the cute things a girlfriend does/did... and at this very moment they feel emptiness and unhappy even though they try to mask it but deep down are finally trying to deal with breakup.

While girls on the other hand, we express our feelings right away. We become that girl they betray on movies, we watch the same sad romantic flicks, cry, talk to our support system whether they friends or family members we express our feelings. We cry for a few days, on and off at times, we go through pictures and replay memories and cry some more, we eat comfort foods, listen to love songs and continue to express our feelings. Eventually one day its completely over, and he's just a distant memory.

ak666 · Accepted Answer

I don't see that big of a difference between the two. I've dealt with a personal devastating break-up (with a fiancee) as well as counseling personal friends about it and I certainly wasn't celebrating my freedom. I didn't do that until I started moving on over a year later.

Meanwhile I've seen girls who didn't move on either for a while and weren't too different from a guy, didn't respond that differently to conversations from the most heart-broken guys, etc. And they didn't recover for a good period of time. I had one friend in particular who still missed her ex for a couple of years after and was still getting jealous when he got girlfriends.

It all varies to me. For me heartbreaks often seem to last as long as the level of the dreams and fantasies you built with this person. In my case, I was willing to dedicate the rest of my life to a girl (fiance) and we broke up when I had already planned the rest of my life ahead with her.

So that left a hole behind where it was like having my biggest life dreams squashed overnight, like losing the winning lottery ticket after I had already won a hundred million dollars. It takes a while to recover from that. I've seen girls who didn't seem that different. I've seen ones that totally became disconnected with the world around them, couldn't immerse themselves with people anymore. And that's exactly how I felt for a while.

So I really don't think heart-break varies by the sex of the person that much. I think it wildly varies from individual to individual, but I've seen far too many similarities between men and women grieving over a break-up to see much difference.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

It makes sense, considering how most of the time women are the dumpers and guys are the ones getting dumped. Guys do worse in divorces too. They take all the initiative and put in all the effort and money. Then the girl gets to pull the plug and end everything. And why not? She can jump into another relationship much, much more easily than he can. There really is no upside to being the guy, and if I could choose, I'd be reborn as female. I know that if men were instigating the vast majority of breakups and divorces, women wouldn't stand for it.

That said, the stereotype doesn't really apply to me. I'd deal with a breakup more like the girl in that picture, moping in bed immediately afterwards and eating ice cream. I'm very in touch with my darker emotions instead of busying myself with distractions, hoping they'll go away. The downside of that is it's not perceived as masculine. You get zero sympathy and instead are told to man up or grow a pair. So if you're a guy, you lose either way.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

I think that there is far too much diversity in each gender for such general statements to have much predictive validity.

Anonymous · Answer

I know that that picture tends to comfort women - they like the idea that the guy will fall apart in about a month.

However, let's be honest here. Guys tend to get over a girl in a very very short amount of time. So short, it often annoys and upsets the ex girlfriend, who starts to wonder if he ever had any real feelings for her at all, because if he did, surely he would be more upset? Etc.. etc...

I think where some girls get this confusion from, is that a month after a break up, if a guy hasn't gotten with a new girl yet, then he is most likely going to be horny and possibly drunk and start with the booty calling, tentative texting at 3am, and that sort of thing. And maybe the girl has moved on, but she starts to think the guy is feeling something he isn't. He's horny. He's not upset the break up happened. He's horny and hasn't found a new girl yet.

aficionado · Answer

The way I see it, women have so many options that they don't even have to stay single for long. Since they don't have to initiate, they get asked out on a regular basis, and have the pick of the litter within days or weeks of a breakup.

But for men, they have to go through the rigour of courting a woman once again.

CrazyAK · Answer

I mean it really depends as everyone really handles everything differently, and also it depends on the how and why there was a breakup in the first place. However, there is a lot of truth in what you are saying. Men are very inward compared to our female counterpart, we often have an ego and a lot pride and that's why we keep our feelings and emotions too ourselves. For the most part we werent programmed to handle breakups like girls do. There is another theory that men tend to not realise the extent of a breakup till much later where as women look deeper into the extent of the separation straight away. This is because we are quite stubborn, and I hate to say this but we thinks with our knobs before our hearts. Then once the candle is burnt out there isn't much light to be offered. But like I said, you also have to look at who was the person who dealt the damage, and also who had the most feelings for the over person. Hope I helped!

AwfullyHonest · Answer

I have recently broken up with my ex, well, she left me and broke my heart, I'm still unclear as to what happened. But after almost 5 years, it is the worst pain I have ever felt.

I would say that I felt this immediately, and it is barely any better 1 month down the line.

My father died when I was 15, however, I actually think this feels worse somehow.

I would say with anything like this type of broad generalisation, there will certainly be exceptions to the rule.

I have been in a relationship where I was dumped, and my immediate reaction was to feel relief, however, I did not then get lower and lower, I just got on with my life.

Now, is a different story, I am wrecked inside.

meatballs21 · Answer

I have seen this stupid generalisation in many forms and it's not true.

When things ended with my ex, even though we knew it had to (relationship had been dead in the water for a long time), I was still devastated. On my way home, alone, I had so many emotions roiling around inside me. I can't describe it. I think of someone has bugged me or gotten in my way, I would have torn them in half.

A day or two later, my friend's husband came over to help me pack. He'd never met me before, and even he could tell that I was seriously spaced out - I had a thousand yard stare, my mind was a million miles away.

It took me about six months to get over it.

Anpu23 · Answer

There is this myth that seems to go on forever that men do not deal with their feelings. It is pure myth, guys can and do deal with their feelings, just they do it differently then women, and as women find men's emotions both scary and toxic, they have tried to force men into a box that we just don't fit in!

Guy's react to stimulus by ACTING, they do, not talk about it they do. And yes one of the actions in dealing with a breakup is sleeping with someone else.

But guys do take a long time to get over a relationship, and yes it takes time. Guys do support each other, just not in the same way women do, but we do support each other.

Kuraj · Answer

The first week the men go onto a dating site for hookups to prove themselves that they "still got it" while the women sniffle their eyes out above a box of ice cream.
One month down the road the men stare absently into the ceiling while the women are banging the first guy who came around whom they are now dating.

ManOnFire · Answer

I've heard all this stuff myself, and I don't really buy it. I do think men get over it a lot easier. Though it also depends on how much the relationship meant to one person or the other. If it meant more to the woman it hurts her more, if it meant more to the man, it hurts him more.

Females having an emotional support system is just everyone's easy way of explaining everything. Women aren't always as vocal or emotionally expulsive as much as they say. And if women wait until they date again, they must decide that pretty soon. That to me says it hurts them more not to be in a relationship to just jump in them so quickly again.

RandomBritishGuy94 · Answer

It depends on why you break up. I've never known a man to be happy the day after a girlfriend ends it with him but a week or so later is another story. If he ends it normally there is a valid reason. He might miss her but even your image is wrong on that - they don't sit around crying. They just need reminding why it ended.

LadyTerror · Answer

It really depends on the circumstances. Some people just deal with emotions differently. Sometimes people are just glad they got out of the relationship and don't even feel bad.

But in general, I think this is true. As you said, guys don't get the emotional support since they're taught to not be as vocal about it.

brain5000 · Answer

I have heard anecdotally that women begin breaking up with men internally before men even see it coming. This might explain the graphic, which is true to my experience.

bulat1990 · Answer

Yeah this girl i was with for a brief period dumped me through a text didn't even have the courtesy to do it in person... towards the end of our relationship she started to act like an asshole for no reason. ... I wasn't sad until I seen her with another guy two weeks later

Puppylove94 · Answer

I don't know but this song depicts it perfectly lol

TruExo · Answer

That photo is misleading. This one is true.   @fearless_banana am I right.

zumos · Answer

Actually i am like man when i breakup with my boyfriend perhaps im man lol

SleepingSnorlax · Answer

I mean depending on the length of it
For a longer relation ship ill usally solk with more video games and movies (preferably horror) until i start to feel better lol
Like i said thats if its a long relationship
Short ones i might be upset but youd bever be able to tell

martyfellow · Answer

Traditionally, you are right that men don't have the support system, and tend not to show their emotions, even, to a certain degree, to themselves, while women will allow their emotions to play out immediately when there has been a break-up

Anonymous · Answer

I actually really like that picture and I guess that's true. Though a good guy who cared would probably be more akin to the woman.

Good points. But then do women and men think differently about what they would do with someone sexually? Can u help me out on my question?

Frost_Byt3 · Answer

Each INDIVIDUAL deals with breakups in a different way. It has nothing to do with gender.

Do men and women deal with break ups differently?

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said