Should I tell my lover that my husband and I are divorcing?

About 6 months my husband and I agreed that a divorce is a something we both want. We have no kids, decided to split everything 50/50.
We still live together but haven't had sex in over a year. We treat each other as friends, go to dinner once a week but at this point live separate lives.
About 3 months ago I have started seeing this man I met through work. We have been seeing each other casually. He knows that I'm married but never made a comment about it until last week.
We were talking and he said that he would love to be exclusive if things were different. At that point I felt like telling him about my impeding divorce but backed off.
I want him to know but wonder what would be the best way to bring it up? When would be the best time to bring it up?
By the way, I have only confided with 2 friends and my lawyer.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Your lives are not really separate as long as you live together. A lot of people say they are going to get a divorce to those they start a relationship with and don't. If you started the divore, show him the papers when you tell him. They have the date the marriage ends and that it is signed by both of you. Also, you can't keep living with your husband and expect men to like it. Just by moving out, you or your husband, you at least show your new guy you are serious. If you can't afford to, then you are telling the guy you will stay there until you find a guy you can move in with. Not fair to the guy. Ask yourself if you would like things if your situation was reversed. Would you like it? Would you accept it? Just saying you are not sleeping with your husband deoesn't mean you really don't. I'm not saying you are lying, just what the other person may wonder. Confide in your doctor, friends and attorneys can't do what a professional can do. You want fixes, not guesses, regardless of how much you trust your friend and attorney. Good luck! Anxiety can be awfully debilitating. and cloud judgement.

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    • I respect your opinion and I share some of your views. However, I am not looking to move in with the guy. I would never expect him to offer me a place to stay, there is something I have to do on my own. You ask how would I feel if my situation was reversed. I have to say that if I really cared about someone, I would accept it.
      I would be willing to wait if he were in my shoes. But my hesitation of not telling him earlier about what I'm going through stems from the fact that I don't want to spoil things.
      I fear that once I share what I am going through me might feel responsible for breaking my marriage, which is not the case.
      Am I being just paranoid just worrying like that? How would you feel if you were in his position and a woman you like told you the news?

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    • Thank you for the words of encouragement. That makes me feel better and more confident right away.
      I appreciate what you wrote. Thanks again!

    • I'm really glad I could help. You are very welcome.

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What Guys Said 12

  • 1. He may have sincerely meant what he said about being exclusive, but some guys say that just for effect when they know that you are not available. His feelings may be different from his words.

    2. Falling into another exclusive relationship before your divorce is final is probably a serious mistake. Rebound relationships have a very high failure rate.

    3. If you want to tell him and you want to pursue a relationship, tell him as soon as possible. Good relationships are built on communications and how you handle this sets the tone for how you handle other things in the future.

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    • Solid advice. 🙋

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    • I always ask if he's telling the truth and he always says that he is. Does that help me at all?

  • "Remember when you said if things were different?"

    Also, I have to imagine the topic will come up naturally again at some point.

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    • One thing is for sure, make sure you let him know before he gives up any hope of a relationship with you. Also, keep in mind that divorce is a lengthy process.

  • why wouldn't you tell him.

    i'd probably tell him once the proceedings are in motion. just in case something holds up the divorce you don't get his hopes up only to have him (or you) be disappointed if a snag occurs

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    • At his point we haven't done anything formally. We just talked and I met with my lawyer. Do you think it's best to talk to the guy once things are formally in motion?

    • yeah i'd wait. divorces can often be slow and hit snags. but at least once paperwork is in play it is usually a straight forward process. so i'd probably wait til then

      i mean you could tell him now but you'd have to provide the caveat that you've only talked about it and nothing is in action yet, so he shouldn't have some expectation that you will be divorced very soon

    • That sounds like a good advice. Thank you!

  • The best time would have been when he said what he said. You can see him and act quiet or very happy... and let him ask you what's up and tell him then.

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  • Tell him exactly what you told us here, I think that this is the best way to bring it up.

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    • Ok, but do I need to ease him into it or should I just get straight to the point?

    • Just make an "introduction" to what you're gonna say and say it.

  • How can this possible be difficult to tell your lover, or something you need to find a "right" moment for? Although he might get angry at you for not telling him about your divorce sooner.

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  • Tell him directly

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  • You need time to heal.

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  • Tell him

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  • So he knows that you are married and still sleeps with you? He's just as bad as you. It doesn't matter that you don't have sex with your husband. When you married him, I'm assuming that you spoke a vow. You should have divorced him BEFORE getting involved with another man.

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    • agree 100% with you... but since that's not the case and my time machine is busted. what do you suggest for the present?

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    • @ginger569 Why? It has to do with the money and I will leave it as that. It's not an ideal situation and I wish I were on my own but it's not the wisest thing to do right now.

    • i understand the urge to be with him. and teh satisfaction and happiness you get. i don't think any of us are denying that or the true feelings you have for him or the lack of happiness in your marriage

  • I don't see why you are keeping from him, that would be good news to hear if I was the guy

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    • Do you honestly think this would be a good news? I'm so confused. I like and I'm worried that he will think that he's the reason of my divorce and that's the last thing I want him to think

    • You should just explain how in was in the process all along before you met him so he won't think he is the reason, he will know it's true since you will be divorced soon and everyone knows that takes longer than 3 months

  • He just likes being friends with benefits. If you tell him you're leaving your husband, he's going to think you are expecting him to step in and marry your cheating ass.

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    • That's what I'm afraid of but on the other hand how do I keep it as a secret? I mean, if I were in his shoes I would like to know
      by the way, who's talking about marriage?

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    • Then you're going to give him the opportunity to put his money where his mouth is. LOL

    • But I'm not judging you negatively. If it wasn't for unhappy women married to other men, I wouldn't have any sex life at all. LOL

What Girls Said 7

  • You have agreed about divorce but you still live together and go to dinner once a week? At the end of the day YOUR STILL MARRIED. You should have waited until you were DONE with the marriage before casually dating.

    Tell him or not, he may always think there's a possibility you'll cheat - I know I would.

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  • Sooo, you divorce your husband and then what? Do you expect this other guy to commit to you. Well, guess what? He's not. He's gonna have sex with you and leave and then you'll be lonely. Talk it out with the hubby and see how he feels about the divorce if both of you are on the same page great. If not, try to work shit out.

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    • She literally said in her question that both her and her husband want a a divorce. I'm pretty sure they're on he same page.

    • @LuckyLuce lol somehow I missed that

    • Yes, we both want it. This has been long coming and it's not something I concocted myself, out of a boredom or something

  • Why don't you just tell your lover? It doesn't sound like you and your husband will stay together anyway. The way you tell him, doesn't matter. When he asks you about what's up, tell him this.

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  • Tell him. You obviously have feelings for him. Go live and enjoy life to the fullest.

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  • i'd tell him. now that you know that he wants to be exclusive. what if you wait and he finds someone single tomorrow?

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  • I'd just wait until the divorce is finalized to bring it up.

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  • Yes, you should tell your lover. Hopefully he won't run away. Some men like sexing you as long as someone else takes care of you. If he's with you after your divorce is final, I say good luck! If he isn't, he just wanted a good sexual tome with you.

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    • Hopefully he won't run away..

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