Is it wrong for me to want to stay with my boyfriend despite my friends telling me he is abusive?

I asked my friends for advice and they have told me his behavior is generally abusive and that any abuse is my fault because I enable his behavior. I love him and understand he has some mental issues (PTSD and depression), but he's never intentionally harmed me.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • You know him. You understand him. Your friends do not see him the way you do. Make your decisions on your own but don't completely ignore what others say. Consider them.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Hi, i have PTSD, and for most that comes hand in hand with depression. I was diagnosed after some severe situations throughout my childhood, teen years and early adulthood.

    This is no an excuse to be abuse. I won't lie, it's very easy to be. Short temper, always on the defence, sometimes emotionally checked out of life, these are a terrible combination. I would also say, legally, it's also a valid reason for some violent crimes to a certain extent, because I've been charged with things myself but the psychological report always talked about ptsd and why I was like that, and I've seen it numerous times with others.

    So I know, and doctors know, and judges know, that it can really change a person who was once nice into somebody horrible.
    But it's no excuse.
    If i had, or any other ptsd suffer had, continued the abusive or violent behavior, it would be jail time because it's only acceptable to a certain extent.

    I know of so many people who have been dumped because of their ptsd. One man had years fighting in war, and his wife dumped him because she couldn't take the night terrors and angry outbursts or weeks of severe depression always coming on.

    And no, by enabling him, you aren't helping him. It can in fact make things worse because he'll not be learning how to live normally and try to learn to regulate his emotions.
    While it's a thing that never goes away for most, it's something that you can learn to try and get some sort of control over some of the symptoms.

    He has a responsibility to go and get help. He has a responsibility to go and learn to deal. You have a responsibility to not enable him. Ptsd can be a dangerous thing sometimes. He needs to get help before it ever is dangerous. Or help himself. There is literally nothing you can do for him. He needs to do it.

    Personally, I would say, for younger people, just like anything, sometimes their behaviour can be excused, because they're still learning how to do this whole life thing, but by your age, he should be slowly starting to have more self awareness and see what he's doing to others and trying to stop that. Not all bad behavior can be excused by having ptsd.. Sometimes, an abuser is just an abuser, and somebody who has ptsd can be one.

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What Guys Said 0

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What Girls Said 5

  • If the roles were reversed, and someone you love (like your Mom, best friend or sister) were being treated the way you are being treated, would it seem like abuse to you? Would you justify his behavior then? If not, then it might be time for some changes. :/

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  • Just cause he has depression or PTSD, he does not get to belittle or use you as his punching bag. Being there for him and supporting him is different from him using you for emotional blackmail and to belittle you for his own good. Thats not how a relationship works.

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  • What exactly is your boyfriend abusive about?

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    • He and I were into BDSM. he went about some of it the wrong way. also, we share a bank account that is in my name but none of the money is mine and I have to ask to use it, he gas lights me, tells me my anxiety isn't real, that I make it up for attention, and then when I confront him about things, he tells me I'm just trying to be manipulative to get my way.

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    • Are you not hearing yourself? He's controlling you with money. He's manipulative. He's selfish. He'll isolate you from your friends and family. Get up. Get out. LEAVE. Leaving won't destroy you and it won't destroy him. You're not a person. You are an object to him to be used and abused at his pleasure. I am majoring in psychology you need to leave. I know what I'm talking about. Call a womans shelter or someone you trust and come up with a plan.

    • @ihateheroicleishin I agree with you. Asker if his avoiding you to go to this couples therapy thing, because he knows that he is absuive/selfish and narcisstic, then that makes him one. He just admitted that he is. So if his personality is like that, he wouldn't give a cows ass how you feel or how he treats you.

      You're going to want and have desires for those sort of feelings, and he won't provide that for you. I suggest you leave. Before you allow yourself to not be heard of

  • You should put yourself first. Are you happy with this man? then stay. but if you are not happy then you are wasting your time , you can't stay with sb who is abusive. Find sb for your happiness :)

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  • Emotional abuse is still abuse! It can take a real toll just like physical abuse. It's not your fault. Sometimes it's hard to see what's going on until you're out of the relationship. Is it wrong for you to want to stay? Yes and no. If you're happy living however you're living, then by all means. If not, then you should never settle.

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