Why does my ex constantly go back and forth with the idea of us not doing stuff anymore?

We broke up months ago but I always thought that maybe one day we would get back together. When the breakup happened he initiated contact with me. I was iffy with everything. We wound up having sex and have been having it for sometime since the breakup has happened. We went over this a few times as he said in August that we should not do that anymore. He said it was not fair to either of us. Well I couldnt do much about it, but it didn't last long and we had sex again. After some time again he had said that saying we should just be freinds without anything else. I thought to myself wth is going on. One again it happened and he said it one last time that we should not do any of that anymore as it was not fair and he knew it seemed like he was going back and forth with that idea but still thought the same. That was I want to say at the beginning of October. Since then he has not said it until tonight. I asked him to hang and watch a movie. This week it seemed like he was distant with the texts and such and after me asking him tonight he said that he honestly thinks we should jiust stay friends without anything else and that it is not the best idea for any of us. Why is he constantly going back and forth with this idea? I know after sometime its going to be the same thing. Why? Is he still thinking of us or how does he feel? it seems like he doesn't know what he wants. I want to tell him my feelings still and that i want us again but i know it prob won't go great, what should i do? Speak up or agree with him etc? I just want to know why he keeps acting like this?


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What Guys Said 2

  • You can earn something very valuable from this which will serve you all of your days. It’s really rooted in your fair question: “why is he acting like this?”. The lesson is that you can never know why someone does something, not truly.
    Have you ever taken some action and then wondered why you took it afterwards? Not that it ran counter to your wishes, most of the time you act in a way you think will serve you, but to explain this to someone? Not possible most of the time.

    Since you can’t even explain your actions most of the time, it’s really an uphill battle to try and understand other people’s actions. The best practice is to simply observe what is happening, and then find peace with it. When I say peace, I don’t mean accept it. I mean like it.

    So, your ex behaves in a seemingly flip-flopping way. Well, this is what you are offered. Is this what you want? Probably not, since you still have feelings for him. However, the attention you do get from him feels great. So, begin to just enjoy what you are taking, and take only what you will enjoy.

    You don’y have to agree, or disagree, with anything he says. What he does, what he suggests, you are free to take it or leave it, and you don’t have to be consistent either, as he has clearly demonstrated. See if you can begin to just focus on the positive aspects, and not on the doubt. Positive aspects could include attention, wen he offers it; sex, familiarity, comfort, freedom etc.

    As you pnder these pleasing aspects you may find you no longer want to take what he offers, as you clearly want a real relationship with comfort and a steady evolving expansion. He isn’t currently offering this but this doesn’t make him a bad person. Nor are you a bad person for taking it.

    Learn to give yourself a break. See everything as a lesson, as getting ready for the next thing, or the next phase. He has shown you some wonderful times and you him. You still are and he still is. Be thankful for that and don’t judge him. Most of all don’t judge yourself.

    Does this give a little perspective?

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    • First sentence should start: " you can learn"... not "earn".

    • Yes, In a way I am just confused as to what to do. Do i tell him how I have been feeling since the breakup and feeling now? It is just confusing to think that why he would continue to go back and forth with this idea. if he truly wanted to stop or not start in the first place then we wouldn't have or continued to. In a way I believe something in a way is still there but prob not. So to speak up or not?

    • What I am suggesting is thet you work on your own mind and forget, completely forget, about his. Work on finding your own balance here. Once you have, the answer will give itself. Trying to solve issues by talking about them, just doesn't work, although we've been taight to believe it does. Only attention to how we ourselves feel, works wonders.

      If you imagine yourself in perfect balance, in the relationship of your dreams, do you contact him? Sleep with him? The perfect relationship is there for you, once you take yourself and your dreams seriously.

      Makes sense? I'm suggesting that this boy is immaterial, and I'm suggesting you focus on your mind, not actions.

  • I have similar questions of my ex. We aren't hooking up but she keeps telling me she will come back and I'm just stuck waiting cuz I'm in love with her. Sounds like this guy just likes having sex with you. Honestly your story made me feel a lot better about mine so thank you for that but I do think your relationship is hopeless. He seems like an ass hat and is using you. He's playing you. There are people in this world who will lead you on and on just so they have you for the 5 minutes of the month when he needs you. I think there's a chance for every relationship but still I think yours is very far fetched

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    • Thanks for the honesty. He was never like this and always a wonderful sweet guy. Our relationship was great before we broke up and I still am even confused about that. It just doesn't make sense with the back and forth of it all. Like if he truly wanted to stop then we would or wouldn't have even done anything after the breakup in the first place. I really wish things were not like this. So I guess me speaking my mind won't help?

    • No it won't I've embarrassed myself doing that with my ex. She has asked me to leave out local bar before because she wanted me gone. It's only gunna push him further away and make u look more pathetic, I think some people can change and can have the right intentions but I think you really need to make this guy work for you back don't take him back instantly it will give him all the power. Just leave him b and when he does come back make him work for it

What Girls Said 1

  • He's just playing with you.
    Give him the boot else you'll be in the same trap forever.

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