How can I accept that I will never be with him again?

My ex (29) and I (27) broke up after 2.5 years of the most intense on-again-off-again relationship. He was my first love and the first person I opened myself up to emotionally. I now feel like I have developed an unhealthy attachment to him and, for that reason, cannot accept the end of the relationship. Each time we had broken up previously, I never accepted that it was over. Even when we were not in contact, I was thinking about how I could get him back. We broke up around four months ago and the met up about two months later. We still had really strong feelings so ended up going back to the familiar situation for six weeks. I felt like we were getting back together but he felt differently and we had a conversation yesterday where he made it very clear that he can't keep this cycle going and watching me get so upset, no matter how much he loves me, and that we have to stop. I agree with him that I can't continue with the cycle and stressing us both out. It has caused me such stress that I have now developed panic attacks and cry every day, but I can't accept the fact that I will never be special in that way to him. I know I sound crazy for putting myself in this situation where I'm causing myself such grief but he was the first and only person I loved and could be myself with and now I'm terrified that I will never find anything like that again or find anyone who accepts me as I am. The worst part of this is that I know my unhealthy attachment and anxiety pushed him away in the first place and feel like I have destroyed my chance. He wants us to be friends, because we were friends for years before, and we both still value the friendship so much, but I know I will still have this hope that we will end up together. I would be really grateful if you could share any advice on how I can accept the end of this relationship and develop healthy attachments moving forward so I don't do this again.


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  • Everything that you have described is pretty much the textbook definition of a toxic relationship. The off again on again cycle of acceptance and rejection creating addiction, the pulling apart rather than working together, the insecurity and the anxiety, the volatile emotions. None of these things are part of healthy relationships. A healthy relationship is not about utter highs and crushing lows, it's about consistency. Yes, even the best of relationships have ups and downs but not rollercoaster ups and downs. More like waves, not tsunamis.

    Any cycle of acceptance and rejection creates addiction, as I've said, because it involves withdrawal and fix and withdrawal. It is akin to being addicted to a drug and love is perhaps the most powerful drug of all. You get a fix of love and you feel on top of the world. It's taken away from you and you crash with the withdrawal. Then the love is back and you feel fixed. Then it's taken away again. This goes right back to your primary needs as a child, the need for the consistent love of a mother, for the reassurance that they will be there when you need them, there when you cry out. When they are not there your most formative sense of security can be thoroughly uprooted.

    What you need to do is to see this relationship for how it became and to truly understand how everything was magnified by the toxicity. Every feeling, every emotion was intensified tenfold by the unhealthy nature of the thing. The feelings that you are having now are also greatly magnified in comparison to the true nature of the experience. You are withdrawing from a drug, from an unhealthy drug, from a drug that was destroying you. You need to be clear on that. This is not the dream relationship that you have lost, this is a corrosive relationship that was bringing out the very worst in you. You lost all ability to have balance and perspective and in that respect this could never have worked. The end was inevitable, it was what you both needed.

    You need to keep reminding yourself of all of these things in order for you to see through the illusions and the addiction. That will help you to remain resolute in the fact that you needed to be free of this. You need to go cold turkey and get this poison out of your system, to allow you to get your sense of perspective back and to allow you to be able to find healthy, balanced love. Understand that this suffering will be finite, it will end. You are just ridding your body of the drug.

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  • Ok your story will take a lot more than a few online comments to help you resolve this despair. you really are in a difficult place. you should make some serious changes in your life. start asking the big questions... I think that there is no way out of this but to confront your feelings... your story mostly circles around you. the way I see it you have two options; you make some adjustments to your life in such a way that you somehow get this guy to prefer you (which is way more difficult to do) and the other recommended option would be to simply move on... and when I mean move on you have to turn your whole world upside down... change contacts, find hobbies, you have to get distracted... build a different life for yourself... its not easy... but you could do it... you just have to want to do it... you need to put all you got to it...
    and the other thing is that he may be your best friend... trust me girl... Ex can't be friends... it's not practical.. anyone who believes so are in the same rut as you are... you need to drop all your feelings and move on... make something out if yourself first... Time to EXPAND YOUR WORLD!

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