My parents hate each other and it's ruining my life?

My mom and dad fight all the time and don't see eye to eye. There is no relationship anymore and it breaks my heart to watch. My mom is clinically depressed and my dad is an alcoholic which are the roots of their dysfunctions. I am 21 and this has been going on constantly since I was in my teens. The reason they won't divorce is because they can't afford it. It effects me everyday and is the biggest reason as to why I don't want a relationship because I don't want to end up like my parents. When a guy asks me I can never give them the real reason because its so hard to talk about. Even when everything else in life is going good my parents relationship ruins my life and i don't know how to cope. Have any of you ever dealt with a situation like this? My mom isn't talking to me right now because I don't agree with her on everything she has said and done to my dad and I'm hurting.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I know it's hard to go through that, my parents split when I was in 2nd grade, but I remembered it very well, and for the longest time, I hated my mom and was very scared of commitments in my early relationships. I would always find reasons to breakup, no matter how small the reason, I would find one. You have to find ways of staying busy and getting yourself out of the house. I know it's not what you want to hear, but that's the best thing for you. We all look to our parents as role models growing up, what they do for work, we tend to want to become, when they finish college, we are more likely to do the same, when they fight and get divorced, we are more likely to follow suit, bc that has Become our standard.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Yes. And it was hell for 24 years of my life. Overall your parents need's counseling and learn how to love each other. They don't know how. I understand what your saying and you reasons are valid. However, I don't believe divorce is the answer for them. Your father, however, needs to go to rehab and your mom basically needs marriage counseling along with your father. They do not understand the basics of marriage and what it takes to have one. It is not your job to cope. You just find a way to move on with life until you have enough money to get out of the house. But it is best to not engage with their marriage. If they don't want to divorce. Good. Then they need to start learning to be a married couple. But do please understand that arguments are normal and healthy in a marriage relationship. But what's not normal is the cursing, belittling and the abuse that comes with it.

    Maybe you can start by seitting them both down and get to the heart of their argument problems. The more you force them to talk and ask critical questions, I find that it helps bridge the miscommunicatin gap. However his drinking problem must stop. It's not helpping your mother with her depression, and she just needs to stop yelling, screaming and fighting with your father and learn to listen and have patience with him. Personaly, she needs to just call your grandparents and stay there with them for a while without him knowing. And when he calls back, she needs to tell him that until he starts treating her like a wife and stop with the drinking she will not return home. And I suggest you find a way to go with her and make it college if your still in school.

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    • Unfortunately my dad refuses to go to counseling. My dad also won't admit he has a drinking problem. I'm already moved out but I'm back with my family for the holidays. It's more than just arguments trust me and its scary. My mom can't go live with my grandparents because we live in florida and they live in Pennsylvania and my mom can't afford to take off work. Plus my grandparents are divorced. This was a good answer though, thank you.

    • @Mikaychay95

      I understand the situation. That is a shame. However, if she has friends that would take her in, that would help as well. See, he won't budge because he knows that your mom will just stay there and take it anyway.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 4

  • move on with your life. check on them but move on with your life

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  • Been there,
    Took me like 4years.
    From grade 6th to 10th to fix their relationship!..
    Probably my first couples I helped in fixing,..
    I got spoil in 6th standard my friends taught me how attraction etc worked!..
    Then I started analyzing my parents response!..
    Making sure they now and then get time together..
    And lot of complex stages!..
    They still fight!. But not to that level!.. Where they get abusive or actually give threats of divorce or suicide

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  • Yeah same here, my parents have hated each other for 10 years but still married but not because of a financial aspect, more of keeping the family together. Probably why I've never had a relationship and I'm 24, it's left me emotionally detached from women and not seeking relationships. All I do now is sleep with whores and see women as a sexual outlet.

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  • If it ain't going well. Its life you know

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What Girls Said 14

  • That's a sad story but I believe you can get through this as you are 21 with a wealth of choices before you. There is nothing to indicate that you will end up like your parents as you are probably adept at spotting red flags in people. I would plan your life as you want it to go and aim to move out of there as soon as reasonably possible. Also, at some point, you will need to start including more passion in your life and taking risks on giving and receiving love. Don't get to the age of 30 and look back and regret those years of inactivity. I say that you should set out a realistic plan with just 2 things (e. g. moving, college/work). I wouldn't overwhelm yourself with their misery and leave your mum to deal with herself. She's old enough to realise what she's doing. To get through this is a step-by-step daily thing.

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    • It's not that I'm not good at noticing red flags its just because of this I don't believe happy marriages exist. Im already moved out and already graduated college.

  • I can relate, although it's cool to see someone else know lots of people don't divorce because they can't afford it! Lots of people don't know that, they think it's all by choice. I don't know what advice to give. You could... decide not to take anything they say seriously, since they aren't thinking clearly. That's what I've done and it does help, even if it's only a little.

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    • And ignore the people saying it's easy or you should move out. I saw your comment about already having moved out, but the economy is just as hard for younger people too! You can't just choose to do just anything.

  • I feel your pain. If we were both not straight i would defo date you bcus we got similar life story. My parents are worse because they are both alcoholics. Been 7 years since i have been fighting myself alone. Every Friday and weekend is their drinking day and when they get drunk they start to argue and fight. Its worse situation ever. Even on holidays or birthdays they get drunk and start fighting. Alcohol makes them dramatic. I have always been cursing the person who made alcohols & how i wish THERE WAS A RULE at the shop that says YOU can't get drunk or drink a lot of alcohols. & now i am 20 turning 21 in three months. Im still stuck here so i also can't give u any advice. I feel sorry for you. Life is too painful. Everyone has problems in life and i guess this ones ours. i know for sure when u look around at other happy families at the street or outside u feel like how i wish my parents were like them. You are stressed right now because of them. I pray for you that a mircle happen in your life that your dad stops drinking and your mum start treating your dad better. Im sure both your parents are also not happy with their lifes and where they are standing and if they care for you then they would also think for you. If not hope you will be able to get away from this situation and be somewhere far better place to be cus you clearly deserve it.

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  • Know that you're able to rise above your parents issues take it as something not to do, you deserve to go out and be happy!

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  • Move out, that is probably the best decision for you.

    You won't have to be around them constantly fighting, anymore.

    you won't have a relationship like their because you can't even bare to see your own family like that. you are the one that has to make the decision to do the right thing for yourself, regardless of how anyone else feels... You have to live your life to the fullest because if you don't you would have wasted all your time thinking about the 'what ifs'.

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    • I've been moved out for a while

    • Okay, so step away for a bit. You're having a hard time coping with them so its going to affect you regardless. Eliminate yourself from the equation.

  • Hi, you sound a little mixed up. Your mum and dad can still spilt up and they dont have to have a divorce they just can't get married again until they are divorced. Its better to sort yourself out and try to make a future for yourself. Apply for uni or do something that what build your confidence up. Your parents have to fix the problem between themselves you as an individual and young you can't do much. Couldnt you move in or do a share with a friend?

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  • You seem to be very sympathetic about their situation. Well my advice is to focus on yourself and not their relationship. If you tried to help already and nothing solved then it's all on them to solve their problems. Don't be dissuaded over one relationship. There are others that are going wonderously. The whole concept isn't based on one couple.

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  • Sounds similar to my parents, before they got divorced, I mean. Mine should have never married though because they never loved each other anyway. Just like you, I have commitment issues from it all. Still have no solution to it, sadly.

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  • So much like me... Expect it doesn't make me depressed

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  • And it's all your fault sweetie

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  • My. parents were the same. But the only. thing you can do is focus on yourself instead of them. It not getting you. anywhere focusing on them

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  • First you're 21 what the hell are you doing in your parents home? Second let them live their life apparently they don't mind if they haven't split and that "they can't afford it " is BS cause I got divorced being DIRT POOR not even $20 in my pocket you can always get a fee waiver in the court house if you can't afford it but I couldn't live in an abusive home if they still together is because they like it so either deal with it or move out

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    • What's wrong with being 21 and living at home?

    • Show All
    • I moved out a long time ago actually?

    • Then mind your own business because it doesn't matter what you try to do hey are the only ones who can solve this and if they haven't done it in so many years it's cause they like that life style

  • Move out you're an adult. You've obviously never endured hardship. I was 13
    When my parents divorced

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  • Maybe grow up and not blame your parents for your issues?

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