He's scared to marry me what do I do?

been together 4.5 years and lived together for 3.5 years, both 29. I love him and it breaks my heart that he wavers on whether he wants to marry me or not. Marriage means a lot to me (I don't want a wedding though). I truly have known I wanted to settle down with him for long time

told him from the beginning that I didn't want to be his long term girlfriend, that I'd been in a 6 year (lived together) relationship before and that if he ever felt that he couldnt see long term to just let me go and not waste my time bc I do want a family and I'm not getting any younger. Because of that fact I'm terrified of "moving on" even if I could. it took me about 4 years after my 6 yr relationship before I feel in love my current boyfriend. I feel like he's the one for me so how do you move on from that even if he doesn't feel the same? I'm scared that I won't have 'time' to fall in love again (if that's even a possibility) I'm also afraid that staying is wasting my time too if he can't tell me he wants

These feeling have been brewing for many years and is the source of a lot of insecurity and thus arguments we have. They mostly come from the way he responds when I have brought up the subject. He will sometimes give me a glimmer of hope and tell me that he's been "thinking about it more" or that he is "thinking about rings" but then months will go by blissfully then some holiday will approach and I ask about the timing again and he'll have seemingly changed his mind saying he feels "scared" (bc he is a child of divorce-I see why that might make him scared but many people are and still get married!) "not ready and not sure when he'll be ready" or not sure "we'll make it" thus spurring depression for me and feelings of my love being taking for granite. If I start to cry then it becomes an argument in which it's my fault for making myself feel that way by getting my hopes up about it or that I've "ruined it" because now we're arguing when things were going good before I brought the subject up.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Marriage is not a game, its a lifelong commitment. The person you want to marry should be the type that will turn the world upside-down to make it happen. It seems that there are better matches for you out there... sometimes its better to think with your head instead of your heart.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I think he has a point. You knew what his views were from the beginning and you made a choice to stay, so I'm sorry to say you can't blame anybody but yourself for wasting your own time. You cannot change his mind because he is unwilling to change his heart. His heart won't change unless he's willing to talk to someone about his fears and doubts. Maybe that someone is you or someone else, but to me it sounds like he's had enough time and you're at a dead end. I think it's time that you decided what is more important to you; either it's your values or a dead end relationship. These two options will be complicated but which one can you see yourself in? Don't worry about your age either, I've known several people who married, or remarried later in life, but they are so much happier for it.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 2

  • He's just wasting your time. Sorry. Its as simple as that.

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  • Just buy two of those Haribo rings and put them on each other's finger.

    BOOM.
    You're married.

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What Girls Said 2

  • Sounds like he is not thinking of marriage at all.

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  • It seems like he doesn't feel ready for it

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