Is it possible to be miserable in your marriage but still love your spouse?

Before we married I had a career he asked me to quit to start a family I never saw myself as the house wife type but anything to make him happy right? I cook, clean, handle the books, organize his files and at times when asked create his presentations but to him I do nothing.
He wakes up angryvgoes to sleep angry he will bang & break things curse at me and get angry if he feels I'm speaking to him as a child because this is his house he pays everything, but this house was left to us by family and furnished by me & my parents not that it matters I wouldn't remind him of it
At times he forgets to pay bills & keep appointments I tired of being yelled at for reminding so kept quiet he spent all the money we had no food fell behind on bills I had to borrow from my father which he also became angry about.
He thinks I discuss him to people in my personal life not realizing I'm too embarrassed his friends only know because there was an incident before a party he bruised my eye while his friend sat and watched he felt bad became a puppy again and convinced me to put on make up and go because it was for work.
I find myself wishing he would have an deadly accident I would get nothing out of it I have life insurance but he refuses to get some of his own because he wouldn't want me "living well with another man" if he died I don't have desires to be with another man I just think if he died I would only remember the good & be free of him.
I ask to see counselors he refuses I drew up divorce papers & I never saw him so hurt, I mentioned it again today because I love him but this is wrong & he was angry accused me of only wanting him for his money, I reminded him I made more than him when I worked & come from money he does not and he reminded me I had been out of work so long its irrelevant and people would talk.
We have these arguments frequently I think he notices when I work up the nerve to leave because then he is sweet I love him but I'm so miserable is that possible?

  • It's possible
    Vote A
  • Impossible
    Vote B
  • Comments
    Vote C
And you are? I'm a GirlI'm a Guy

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Most Helpful Guy

  • You love them but are not in love with them. You are stuck in a rut you've been in so long you've forgotten what it feels like to be out of it.

    You wish he'd have an accident just to be free of these doldrums! This is not good. He's hurt you want a divorce but won't actually try to help this lifeless marriage? You need to get out.

    PM me and I can direct you to a forum where you can seek advice from other married and divorced couples who've been in this situation before.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • "I cook, clean, handle the books, organize his files and at times when asked create his presentations but to him I do nothing." This is love. This what marriage is as part of your duty as a wife. However. He as a husband should equally desire to do the same thing. You are getting abused, but the problem is you continue to give in to your emotions instead of standing up for yourself! In truth. You don't need to divorce him. Not just yet. You just need to change your perception of the situation, him and yourself. You need to separate from him first and you need to get your family in the middle of this because:

    #1: He had no right to lay a finger on you! This is something you need to take pictures of and keep with you.
    #2: He refuses to get help, but yet accuse you of only wanting his money? Please do yourself a favor and stay with your parents. Call them up and get out of that house.
    #3: While you're away, you need to ask how did this happen and what can you do to get yourself in a better situation. You need to get all of this as proof, because this is somebody who's behaving like a devil. He is manipulating you and you have to get your head straight before you even think about heading towards divorce.

    I know by experience. This is not something you need in your life. It's wrong. He know's it's wrong. But only he can get help. You can't help him. You can only help yourself now. But I will tell you right now, divorce is brutal and taxing. Everybody will essentially tell you to get a divorce. But divorce is not so simple and easy. It costs a LOT of money to the point you will go broke. It can take as long as 3 years depending on your income, assets, equity of the home if you have real estate, stocks, etc. And it will go by on a case by case basis. Think about this really hard. But you definitely cannot live with him anymore under these circumstances. He sounds very dangerous. But do take the necessary steps to try to get through to him. But you need to be very stern and not emotional. But your family needs to know what is going on.

    Lastly. You need to correct him. It's 'OUR house' not 'your house'. He's married to you and you're married to him. There is no separatism here. Also if you two haven't been having sex for a long time, then technically you are divorced from him. Just not legally.

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    • He doesn't like the we thing I truly don't think he understands the idea of marriage his parents were married and his mother was sleeping with other men and his father lived with another woman but never divorced because I guess his family doesn't believe in divorce and I couldn't tell my family my brother's would become violent against him my mother will think this is a legal issue and I'm unsure how my father would react

    • Marriage of course isn't something you do just to give up on. Yes, but his sense is twisted. And there is nothing you can really do about it at this point accept forgive him and let him workout his own problems. But it will be at the cost of losing you. However you need to just exercise caution. If you family attempted to do harm to him naturally it is within his right to defend himself or call police. There must be boundaries. No physical fights. But you do need to understand that the moment he placed his hands on you and abused you in this manner has already crossed into legal matters.

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What Guys Said 10

  • It takes more than love to make a marriage work. It takes

    1. Love,
    2. Trust,
    3. Respect, and
    4. Hard work

    from both partners.

    I don't know that you really even have love but you obviously don't have respect for each other and he isn't willing to work. I don't recommend divorce to people lightly, but. . . realistically, what is going to happen that will change your marriage? Are you willing to live like this the rest of your life?

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    • It might sound sad but as much as I say I don't want to I probably will it's just exhausting

  • there is a solution that will solve your matter without even doing any damage
    just stop talking to you hus stop smiling in front of him

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    • please reply if you want the full solution
      sorry for the inconvenience

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    • I have seen someone applying this idea and it changed many things in her life

    • if you have any problem applying the formula you can consult me without hesitation

  • His behavior has changed. I do not know what is bothering him.
    Its better for you to move on... Get a career again and a new life.
    I am really sorry about this. Good luck.

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    • As an older man would you view it as abandonment if someone leaves someone for changing?

    • Well, If I were him... I would tell the truth if I were so unhappy rather than behaving nasty but, I would be very fair like spliting up on stuff and leaving you some starter money to get a new place to live. Some of my friends did that.

  • You can still love him for a while, but one day he will do something that makes it so utterly clear that he has never cared about you it will go for good.

    You are in an abusive relationship and you should get out of it as soon as possible. You don't mention children, I hope you don't have any yet and realise that he would be an awful father. Leave.

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    • Thank you for saying that. It is abusive, and please call your local domestic violence place. They can offer you counseling, if nothing else. They do it absolutely free, they don't even need your real name. It's somewhere you can go to talk all of this through and make an informed decision.

      by the way, that's how an abusive cycle works. He is sweet and nice just long enough you think there's hope, then it builds and builds to a breaking point and he loses his shit on you, then sees you might leave so immediately flips back to the sweet bullshit until he's sure you won't. That is beyond exhausting. You deserve to feel like your life is worth something, and that you are safe.

      Please reach out to a DV counselor. They won't push you to do anything, but you need someone who can help give you some support.

    • I don't feel like he abuses me it's not as though he beats me and if I were to say anything to anyone in real life it would complicate things our friends wouldn't understand even see me as some kind of traitor for it and we don't have children but he really wants one and sometimes I do too but I wouldn't want a child to be like him or think his behavior is fine

    • Do you have your own friends, or are they really his friends?

      www.opdv.ny.gov/.../whyabuse.html
      www.opdv.ny.gov/.../coercivecontrol.html

      "Questions to ask yourself: Does your partner abuse you?

      Does he minimize and excuse his violence and exaggerate yours?
      Does she express attitudes of entitlement?
      Does he exaggerate his injuries and minimize yours?
      Does he seem to intentionally choose where and when he gets violent, and what part of your body he attacks?
      Is how he acts in public different from how he acts at home?
      Does she only destroy your property when she’s “out of control” – not her own?
      Does he try to make himself appear to be a victim?

      Afraid, isolated, confused? You are not alone.

      If you answered “yes” to many of these questions…

      Seeing your partner’s behavior accurately could help you stop blaming yourself for it."

  • It's possible, my grandma was treated terrible by my grandfather and she put up with it for years until she passed away. He would abuse her but she didn't believe in divorce and back then it was looked down on leave your husband. My grandfather on the other hand, he had affairs behind his wife's back and basically got away with it.

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  • It's possilbe. And it's horrible :( sorry to hear you're going through that. Hope you get through it and nobody dies, maybe become better people instead :))

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  • there's a rumor that melania is not happy being first lady

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  • Yes, because I love mine, and dont want to leave her. Im to the age that I want someone to take care of, and to take care of me, but on the same (or opposing page) she is very vanilla in bed and will not do anything that interests me because she thinks it is gross or morally wrong.

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  • Voted C.

    It doesn't actually matter.

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  • Definitely seek counseling though, maybe you can fix it

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    • I really feel we can I'm sure Indo a lot of things that offend him like sometime he thinks I feel like I'm better than him but I don't try to be I was just raised to be neat and quiet and polite to people and when he's not I correct him but I've been trying to stop he just doesn't want to work on his part he feels it's all me

    • Marriage is all about compromise and it's also work, really need an outside party to give another perspective that's why you should go, even if he doesn't just go alone at first and he will to go next time because he will want to have his side heard too

    • Being quiet and polite just gets you ignored by people who don't have empathy and don't value those attributes. It won't change. You will be driven to a point where you say or do something to fight back, he'll try to be nice for a while, then you'll go back and do it all over again. Good luck.

What Girls Said 14

  • Something is terribly wrong with your husband emotionally. You need to seek out help from church, if he isn't willing to go to a counselor. You've done everything that a good wife should do in this situation it sounds like. But things won't change unless something is resolved within him. You can try asking why he's so angry and ask about his upbringing or past relationships. Maybe he thinks this is normal behavior but it is not. He needs to get help in order for your marriage to come alive again. Go to church and start praying for him.

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    • I'm not very religious he says he is but he doesn't like going to church I take his grandmother sunday's and holidays but he doesn't go unless it's Easter

    • It's okay to not be religious. I don't like "religion" either, but I know that God is the answer and that he can heal. Please watch this testimony from my pastors when you have time, and hopefully your husband will be willing to watch too. https://youtu.be/M3fkV-mfbXE

      The beginning of the series is good but I believe watching their testimony first will answer lots of questions first.

  • You can love him but you two do not sound happy or healthy. I left my son's dad about three years ago. I knew I should have sooner because it was ovious we both had grown apart. But I was scared because I didn't want to break my son's heart and I didn't know if I could support my son and I. Also I did love him still. But after I left and started getting on with my life I was happier then I've been in years. And so is he. He even got married. And I'm engaged to someone who does make me happy. Our son likes and has developed a great relationship with our newer loves. Get out. You should be happy.

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    • I couldn't see myself with someone else

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    • What have you done to make yourself happy. When you make someone pretty much your only means of living then you will slowly die inside. You will lose tell woman you once were. Think about who you were before you met him. Is she gone? It's one thing to change some but you can't give up who you were to make him happy. You gotta find that confident strong woman I bet you were when you met. And if you weren't strong and confident about yourself as a woman and what you deserve from people, then nows the time to start finding yourself. Seriously find a support group that's for love codependency. He will never respect you as long as you make him your world.

    • @HaveQuestions Sure it's possible but I just don't see it. A person doesn't go from well-adjusted to the state Asker is in over the course of one relationship. That's why I think the foundation for that was laid earlier in her life.

  • yes; loving someone is not the same as being in love with that person. and it's normal (scarily enough) for victims of abuse to feel actual love for the person who's abusing them.

    your husband needs help, and you need to get away from him before he puts you in the hospital... or worse, a body bag.

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    • I know people say this a lot but I don't think he would do that the incident of the party was the only time he actually went that far and it was an accident he pushed me and I hit him first

  • Yes but you will start to resent him. When some men know that you are totally dependent on them they are assholes. You are giving him to much control and he doesn't sound like a loving husband at all. You deserve to be treated better even if he is taking care of you because he is the one who asked you to stop working. I think you should get your independence back and show him you don't need him. He sounds very controlling and miserable in himself. He's taking out his issues on you, wants you to feel bad as he does. When your in a situation like this with nothing to fall back on and being dependent on him it's harder to leave when he's treating you bad. Put your foot down and stop taking the abuse, you teach people how to treat you. Do you want to deal with his behavior for the rest of your life? Stop being a punk and stand up for yourself. Go get a job, get your independence back. He sounds abusive and trust me that's something you can't change but you can eliminate yourself from it. When someone shows you who they are believe them. He doesn't respect you and never will as long as you allow it.

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    • I don't really ask him for anything I'm always sure any money he gives me goes into our home and when ever I see my parents they always give me money for some reason so I just hide it away I would like to work but I don't see how I can do that with out making him annoyed

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    • Oh and saying you don't want to aggravate him makes me think he has been abusive towards you. Abuse is a sign that he has no respect for you. Get out of that situation and get some infependence. He doesn't have to be your purpose.

    • You are still young and you may not take my advice today but when you become tired and he starts to disrespect you more you will think back to what I'm saying. I've been there, I didn't think I could live without him until I just couldn't take it anymore.

  • Yes its possible because yu love him but maybe not his attitude

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  • I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this tough period.
    By what you have confessed, it seems that your problem is mostly finances, and your husband's jealosy. It would be great if he would accept to visit a psychologist. Or both of you, to visit a couple therapist. Then after, talk about the possibilities of overcoming this situation.

    Oh, and please, if he hits you again, do not let that pass so easily. There is absolotely no good enough reason to hit someone.

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  • Your holding on to the good of him.

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    • Yes that's a good way to put it

    • I think you do love him because, your holding on to the good and thats why you stay around but its not as good as you would like. You wish he would just dissapear because that way you wouldn't have to have the knowledge that he would eventually be with someone else after his broken heart healed and he would still remain yours without having to deal with the shit that you deal with.

  • If it'd that bad, I'd fake my own death and disappear to another country.

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    • That was funny

    • Truth is in my opinion the relationship is somewhat abusive. I mean fights are normal, being yelled at is not. If he is not willing to work on the issues in the relationship then its time to go your separate ways. I'm sure you're not perfect but since you're posting i m putting most of the blame on him.

  • I don't think you love him anymore, I think you just feel stuck. I stayed with the father of my child for 7 years and spent the last 3 feelings stuck and thinking I'd never do better than him. Been 1.5 years since we broke it off and I've met a wonderful man who I'm much more compatible with. Get out while you can, or kiss more years of your life goodbye staying miserable.

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  • Leave why are you staying in a toxic relationship? If you're not happy then go. He will never change and I hope you guys don't have kids so it's easier to leave him. He is a selfish asshole. You don't love him many more you think it's love because he does things that you consider to be loving. Real love doesn't cause you misery or pain. I think you became familiar to the situation. If you want to be happy you have to leave.

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  • Get a job so he can't complain about the money thing if it causes fights get divorce papers drawn up again and have someone else drop them off.

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    • I'm currently looking for hourly jobs I could work while he is not home it would be too obvious if I took up doing my old job again but I haven't found anything

    • WHy can't you take up your old job?

  • I believe that's a mental abuser, sooner or later he'll raise his hand to you or your kids.. I've seen it start just the same.

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    • He already did: "he bruised my eye"

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    • www.opdv.ny.gov/professionals/abusers/excuse1.html

      Questions to ask yourself: Is your partner’s anger a weapon of control?

      Does he control his temper easily, except when he’s with you?
      When he’s angry at someone else, does he express it civilly to them – and then take it out on you?
      What does the pit of your stomach feel like when she starts to get angry?
      Does he do destructive and hurtful things when he’s angry – call you names, throw things, punch walls, get up in your face, hit you, or make threats? Does he care how this affects you?
      How does he treat you when he’s not angry?
      When she sees that her anger scares you, does she back off and soften her tone, or does she ramp it up further?
      How does she act when you get angry? Does she tell you that your anger is abusive? Or does she think you have no right to get mad?
      Does he expect you to accept his being angry as an excuse for abusive behavior?
      Does his anger often seem way out of proportion?

    • If you answered “yes” to many of these questions…

      Seeing your partner’s behavior accurately could help you stop thinking that you caused his/her anger.
      You may want to talk over your situation with an advocate at a local domestic violence program, or with your counselor, if you have one.
      Do not assume that anger management will help.
      Be cautious in agreeing to couple counseling, which may focus on what you do that makes your partner so angry, rather than on his/her abusive use of anger.
      If you want to know more about the relationship between domestic abuse and anger, scroll up to read this section. (at the link I posted)

  • from experience I know how hard it is to love someone and give it ur all but all the effort u give only ends up hurting u more because he won't do the same for u. I have been in the same situation where my husband seen the divorce papers and started acting nice but that only last so long. I got tired of being unhappy and I was actually happier without him because I started focusing more on myself and my Goals in life. it's actually the best feeling when you get back to focusing on urself. you deserve better and to be happy.

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  • it is possible there are lots of couples whose marriage sucks but they still stay together because they are in love

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