What do you do when you suspect your mom or dad is having an affair?

I saw messages in one of my parents phones talking about some things that I don't really want to explain and have out here on the internet. I borrowed the phone to make a call but it opened to the messages when unlocked. I didn't look at the time of the message to know how far back they go but I know one of the more recent ones was from March 2017 so the messages are recent. But it did talk about past sex, cuddling, and possibly meeting up for 'lunch' or whatever.

But my parents have been married for over 30 years and I always thought they had a loving relationship. They never fought, always go on dates, talk all the time, cuddle on the couch... but to see one of them possibly stepping out makes me wonder if relationships are even real anymore and if I should stop trying to find a husband. I'm 27 and feel seriously betrayed and angry that they would do this to my family..


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Most Helpful Guy

  • What do YOU do? You do NOTHING. And STAY OUT OF IT.

    75-80% of all marriages suffer from some kind of affair, from one or the other or both. In many cases the other knows or suspects and can't or won't do anything about it.

    It has NOTHING to do with you, so stay out of it.

    If you want to sit with the suspect over coffee and ask about it you can do that, but you'll gain nothing and they're likely to deny it, defend it, or justify it. Either which way it changes nothing for you.

    And yes, relationships are still real. But adults have their issues and problems, temptations and faux pas.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • You have to stay out of their relationship. At the very MOST, if you need to for your own sanity, tell the offending part what you saw, and tell them how it makes you feel.

    but under NO circumstance, is it EVER a good idea to insert yourself into their marriage.

    #TakeMyWordForIt

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What Guys Said 4

  • hi, I can't even imagine how difficult it is. having a psychologist in my family, I know what an impact this will have on you. and children from broken homes generally have a lot of trust and commitment issues because they dont want to be hurt again. you're experiencing something similar as you are questioning everything and wonder if it is worth putting in all the effort into a relationship. from what I can say as a third party is that people change in a relationship and 30 years is a long time. there will be a lot of suppressed emotions which accumulate over the years and will lead to such incidents or angry outbursts or emotional meltdowns. people change. so your parents has resorted to this because they would have felt that they were lacking something from their marriage. from what you've shared, they seem to be a happy couple so I don't understand why they've done this. but to answer your question about believing in relationships, one thing you can learn is to always be very expressive and open with your SO so that they know what's going on and expressing your needs and wants clearly. communication is key. more important than cuddling, going on dates, regular sex, holidays and gifts. relationships are like trees, if you take care of it and serve it well and take care of its needs properly, it grows into a strong tree. if not, then it dries and the branches may fall off causing collateral damage. I'd also suggest you get in touch with a therapist to process your emotions and to understand what you are feeling and why you are feeling so otherwise this baggage will cause problems in your relationships. and you don't deserve this, so please find a therapist or I might be able to give you some sort of support to just give you company and lend a ear and give you a shoulder to cry on (if you need one) in this difficult time for you. I hope this doesn't wreck you up and I'll keep you in my thoughts. good luck and all the best.

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  • I can't give you much advice. All I can tell you is that you are going to have a difficult future relationship with your parents.

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  • It is none of your business.

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  • You should mind your own business. My buddy had some similar situation where he tried to get involved and father evidence. His mom caught on and got pissed. She stopped cheating at that time and no one ever talked about it again.
    No one is exempt from lifes temptations. People cheat and its okay let it run its course, stand bck and mind ur own

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What Girls Said 15

  • Its their personal life. I think children shuld not intervene in parent's personal life. How wuld u knw to be with the same person for 30 yrs? people love their families no matter they in extra marital or not. Loving and caring for the family is different thing and keeping the attraction, desire for the spouse for such a long period is nearly impossible. Maybe cheating partner cares for the better half but dnt feel tht much passion. Its bitter truth

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  • That must be a terrible shock and heartbreak:( I grew up with one parent who was always cheating on the other parent. So I know how demoralizing it is to realize parents do this. You need to stay out of it as upsetting as it is and it does not have anything to do with you and your future marriage. My husband and I did not have a cheating marriage:) ♡

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  • Been there as a teen *smh* you have my sympathies but seriously if I could go back to me as a teen I would say

    "Stay the Hell out of it if you can"

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  • If your parents are happy and they love each other, then this 'situation' has had no negative impact on them. It may in fact have had a positive impact. Long term relationships can, at times, need at least emotional contact with other sexes. I can't remember where but I read an article once on how 'emotional affairs' are the key too long marriages. Weird concept.

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  • You may need to talk to the parent you believe is cheating to get some kind of understanding for yourself. But don't get in the middle of it or talk to the parent who may be unsuspecting. The last thing you want is for a parent to resent you.

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  • You don't know all the details. If I were in your position, I would sit them down and talk to them, alone. At least give them a chance to explain themselves. You may not like what you hear, or you may be absolutely relieved. Either way, it's probably not something to tell your other parent until you've had a sit down with the one you think may be cheating, if you do in fact decide to do that.

    But whatever you do, I genuinely wish you good luck. I hope for your sake that it's nothing major.

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  • mind your own business sherlock. you can t do anything

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  • After 30 years they may still love each other and I congratulate them for still being together. But sex may have died down to nothing at that point and they may just be best friends. An affair may not last forever, as long as family is forever that's what matters. My dad had sex outside marriage but was denied sex so I'm OK with it because they both don't get what they want but help each other in life how they can and are still together.

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  • If it were me I'd for sure confront them about it.

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  • I would tell the other parent who is being cheated on
    OR I would keep checking the cheaters phone to make sure 100%

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  • Sometimes affairs happen because the relationship is falling apart, or because the women/men intention is to seduce the person who is in a relationship. There's many more reasons to why men or women cheat.
    I would advice not to say anything to anyone but sooner or later that "bomb will explode".
    Being realistic a lot of guys cheat and even women too. Just know that if he/she ever were to cheat on you if you would be able to forgive or handle it and vice versa. If he/she would tolerate the samething if it ever happened.
    Good luck

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  • This is difficult. One day one of my parents accidentally texted me something questionable and I didn't know what to do. I know they sent it to the wrong person, but I was like who was that actually meant for. I would say talk to the one who you suspect is cheating and see what is actually going on. From there make a final decision. Also just because your parents relationship is failing, it doesn't mean that all partners are bad or that love never last.

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  • Nothing children should never get between two parents

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  • Honestly coming from someone that is experiencing this in a way just stay out of it.

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  • I would do nothing

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