Is it time to breakup/divorce?

My hubby and I have been together for 5 years. Weve been married for one year and also have a child under one years old.
When I was pregnant I would catch him staring at girls, strangers and even family members. I brushed it off thinking maybe it was my hormone making nothing out of something but about 3 months after the baby was born a family member needed a place to stay. So I allowed her to stay with us instead of being homeless. I've noticed that he seems to go out of his way to do things for her. For example if i need a towel to come out of the bathroom. He will hesitate and take forever but if she ask to get something from off the top shelf he will stop whatever he is doing to get it. Fast foward to the baby being 9 months. I had a mental breakdown because it was near my mothers first year of passing away and I needed someone. Instead of him being with me to help me or even take care of the baby. He leaves to go with his bestfriend and claims he needed advice on how to male me feel better. Instead of actually being there. We used to have sex like rabbits now we barely have sex like twice a month. My self esteem is shot because for the first time I am heavyset and honestly dont consider my self beautiful. I was 125 prepregnancy and I am now 210 post pregnancy. Even though its called self esteem he doesn't help with me feeling any better. I was considering cheating but instead I thought I should just break up. On the other hand I want my child to grow up in a two parent home. The same way my husband and I grew up. I dont know what I should do.


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What Guys Said 20

  • This is something you two should talk through. Perhaps he is so zoned out because he is concerned about you. Apart from that, that it could also be the case that he's no longer interested in you. If that's the case, then no amount of counselling will save your marriage.
    So talk with him about it. Ask him why he isn't doing anything in a calm and cool manner and tell him what you'd like to do. If things don't get resolved for say, about a month after that, you should file for divorce, or you can wait longer if necessary. It's your marriage, and you would know best.
    Apart from that, there is another way of gauging whether a relationship is working, or whether it I'd time to move on. If for every one happy event, you two have five or more fights, then its time that you move on and let go. Search for another suitable father. Someone who would be interested in you. That's all I can say, but it's easier said than done. Like i said, in the end its your marriage and you'd know the best course of action.

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  • First off I would like to say I am so sorry to hear that you are going through a very tough time in your relationship and I hope that maybe I can help a little bit. Secondly, obviously I don’t have all of the information on the situation so I am only giving advice that is based off of what I have read and maybe some presumptions.

    Let me start off by saying that no, I don’t think you should leave your relationship, because to me it just seems like you both are overwhelmed. Life has become really serious really quick for the two of you and no matter how mentally strong or relationally strong you both are, a lot has happened and you both have the proverbial pit to climb out of. It sounds to me like with the passing of your mother, the marriage, and the birth of your child, life has thrown every emotion into your life that is possible. You may want to look into postpartum depression for yourself, this is a serious problem, and may help.

    It sounds to me like he has detached because he has so much to worry about now, and probably doesn’t know how things are coming off to you. As for looking at other women, that is something guys do, don’t look too much into that. Also talk to him when it comes to sex, tell him how you feel, because I can offer advice, but only you two can fix this relationship. Be willing to talk about everything, but also be willing to listen to him, you may find out that he has a lot of similar feelings as you.

    Communication is more important than ever, and having a night where it can just be the two of you (And it doesn’t have to be for sex, but it can be) to go out and get to re-know one another is important. A lot has happened in a very short time and both of you were forced to grow; maybe you grew a little apart and just need to find your new connections. I hope that you haven’t grown so far apart that it is unfixable, but I would be lying if I were to say that, that couldn’t happen.

    As for raising your child in a two parent home, don’t let your child be the reason you stay in a relationship that isn’t a happy one. Sure you can use your child as a reason to try harder to make the relationship a happy one, but if it can’t be a happy relationship, your child will not be happy in it either.

    Don’t rush into any conclusions, because as quick as your life through you into this whirlwind of emotions, getting back out of them can take some time.

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    • Thank you. I wish I can make your comment the best one. Like I truly am grateful that you took the time to read and comphend every detail.

      This year has been tough and by year I mean starting at the passing of my mother. (june 15 2016) .
      Maybe I tried to escape grief and threw anger on him. Maybe because I knew baby = happy. Thats a good thing. You know. lol im trying the best to explain myself.. Maybe I just blame him because I cannot control some things and its just easier that way... I don't know.. but like I said again thank you.

    • Seriously look into post partum depression, it is a terrible thing that is not easy for you or your husband to deal with. My wife dealt with it after our son was born and as a man it was one of the worst things to watch and not be able to do anything for. It made me feel completely worthless as a husband even though there was nothing I could do.

      Post partum depression may also be a reason for the weight, so the faster you get onto taking care of it the faster you can get comfortable again. And as a married man, my wife being confident around me is important, it lets me know she trusts me. And I know when you are not comfortable with the way you look you can't be as confident.

      I hope the best for you, your husband and your baby.
      Whether you believe in God or not, I'm praying for you guys.

      God Bless

  • I don't think you should divorce over this I would seek a 3ed party to talk to for help be that a pasture or a counsler. Someone farther into the marriage life that can give good advice on problems they had. Is right down your husbands best qualities and start working out for your husband (how he is at the best of times) =) good luck you got this

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  • Honestly it sounds more like you need therapy. Don't brush it off, therapy is great. That doesn't mean you don't have issues with the marriage, but your obviously depressed. when a person is depressed we don't see things how they really are. So it is possible your only seeing things a certain way. Postpartum depression is a serious issue. Wait until your in the right state of mind before you do anything. For instance, after my first son was born, we would go a month or more without sex. Even after she was able to have sex we were both absolutely exhausted. When do you have time for sex with a baby? uggg.
    You first should sit down and talk things through and let him know your issues. Then you should look into couples therapy as well. But until you get your mind right, any situation is going to be bad for you

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  • Ya need a shrink. So much blaming.
    And maybe a marriage counselor.
    And a dietician. If you want to lose weight eat less, or better, and move more. Lots of excuses. No wonder he's absent.
    This ain't gonna get fixed on GAG.

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  • For the sake of your kid if nothing else... do everything in your power to preserve your marriage. If you can start working out and lose weight maybe that will help, I honestly don't know. What I do know is that the loss of a relationship like that is going to be far worse than having it and it being rough.

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  • Take care of yourself first.. lose the weight. Then when your head is clear, think of what to do.

    He's not going to be interested in this big 'new you.' Understandable, no?

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  • You considered cheating whilst you're criticizing your husband for helping your family member? Honestly it seems like you're a little selfish and you're trying to justify your nympho tendencies. Instead of complaining about how your husband doesn't want to have sex with you now that you're twice the size you were... Sit down with him, like adults, and talk about these issues and start going to the gym together.

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  • that's common in men n female bored in sex after child birth, u must n should ready n make him horny to get sex be positive u can do this. since if u failed try to get some good boy instead of him who look you n baby's care stay happy n chill

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  • After having a child is no time to break up except under extreme circumstances. Get counseling and save your marriage. No one ever said it would be easy, at least they never said it to me!
    ~JSmith

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  • U need my consultation.
    U need a Friend like me😃

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  • You should def consider talking about this with him and see where he stands. Could just be a slump or maybe he didn't have realistic expectations about marriage? Curious who first brought up wanting to have a child?

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  • Truly sad to hear... My wife and I married at eighteen and just celebrated our sixth year anniversary this past June 9th. I hope you two can work through your difficulties.

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  • try talking to him, and if that doesn't work. if the family member is still there try talking to her. if that doesn't work. time to pack his things.

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  • Your self esteem problem is not because of your partner.

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    • I am aware.

    • If I was in that position I would do something small about my weight first. As small as for example having fruit only as breakfast, and the rest of the day what I wanted.

      How you feel about yourself is colouring the situation. Get rid of that first, even just a bit, and the next decision will be clearer for you.

  • If you are not happy and he is doing nothing to help you emotionally, better to end it.

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  • he doesn't know what he wants if your unhappy then end it

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  • Have a conversation like Adults no yelling, get some counseling if necessary.

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  • sounds like problems you both need to talk through. rediscover that spark you had earlier in the relationship. definitely not ready to give up.

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  • Sounds like you're weak and looking for a reason to leave.

    This is a conversation YOU TWO need to have.

    Not get advice from strangers

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    • Right now Im very weak and vulnerable. Which is not my usual self. I went from a maneater to a crybaby. Im guessing its still because of post baby hormones.
      I try to talk to him but everytime he starts yelling then I start yelling then conversation goes out the window.
      I just want to hear others insights also.

    • You just need to tell him that you're unhappy and if things don't change you need to go find happiness for yourself.

      no matter what happens you'll be OK eventually

What Girls Said 4

  • Go see a damn marriage therapist. I can't stand how people give up on their relationships so damn easy. I'm not even married but I would go see a couples therapist with my boyfriend before ever breaking up with him. You probably just don't know his side of the story just like he doesn't know yours.

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  • Have you even talked to him. Where are you going to get if you haven't. People aren't mind readers. You need to take things one step at a time not go to step 10 and cheat or break up. If after talking giving it a plan and taking time to see if things change, they don't then yes you need to consider your and your child's happiness and break up and move on. But take step one first. Talk to each other.

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    • weve been together for a very long time so you have to expect that I am very vocal with my husband

    • You can't expect anything. And it is always the very first thing to do because things can get fixed or change if you talk.

  • What a tough situation. Tell him how you truly feel about everything- even the way he is with girls. If he still is cold towards you and stops putting in the effort it's time to leave.

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  • I'm in a similar situation as you. I have a nine month baby and feel my fiance of 5 year who couldn't give f anymore. So if anyone can eliten to why men become like this and if the relationship is going anywhere I'd like to know.

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    • so far I've been getting.. The its me or thats normal for a guy. Im glad that (well not glad) someone knows how it feels.

    • Feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to

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