Why does my ex harbor so much disdain toward me?

[Anonymous]

Why does my husband hate me so much? Our marriage was over 4 years ago because he was in love with a married woman from the office he had been having an affair with for almost a year. We were married for 18 years, and had two sons. Our divorce is yet final, pending a financial support agreement, this should be all finalized in the next 3 months.

Our sons are young men now, 21 and 19 and outside of school or work they primarily live with me. I encourage them to see their father, and they do. They even use my car to do so. On this front, things are good. I do believe they could see their father more, but they disagree and apparently my sons and their father are happy with the amount they see each other. So in that area there is no problem.



I as well as my ex have moved on with our personal lives. I, with a wonderful man I have worked with for 8 years and been dating for past 3 years now and love dearly. My ex is still with and built a home with the woman he was seeing when our marriage ended. I think on this front everything is good also.

Communication with my ex has been reduced to zero about a year ago. The 2 years prior to that, communication was occasional but always rude and unkind on his part and he often worked on trying to get me to fire my lawyer and settle for less. Our last verbal conversation was a year and a half ago when I needed to call his home to ask for a copy of my sons student loan statement for my lawyer. He told me “no” and proceeded to berate me over the phone about how much my boyfriend stays at my house and advised me that I should just move on and get married. He continued to intimidate me on the phone and advised me that he will be nice to me and our relationship will only get better WHEN I stop legal activity for financial support. He even went as far to say that I would never see any back support, and he would put a bullet in his head before he would ever pay me retro support. (BTW, he is not the suicidal type). The conversation ended with him telling me to never call his home again and hung up. That was the first and last time I called his home.

I usually give in to others just to avoid conflict, as long as it doesn’t require that I compromise my values, but this time, I have not given in to his demands and continue to retain a lawyer for the help that I need. I cannot do this without the help of a professional’s advice so that I am able to focus on more important things, like my sons, my personal life and health.

I just find his disdain difficult to understand especially when I don’t even hate him for having an affair and ending our marriage to be with his true love. Could my ex actually hate me so much just because he hates the fact that he has to pay spousal support to me for the next 5 to 10 years. How can people hate unjustifiably and so much?

[TropiGal]

Well, very simple. If you were a stay at home mom for the majority of your marriage and he was the sole provider while you raised the kids and then all of the sudden you guys get divorce (for any reason), if he still supports the kids, you, you get the house, you get to keep half of his retirement plan, etc, etc; then you get a job and move on with your life, you have a boyfriend, etc, then why does he have to continue to support you for life or 10 years or whatever? He does have an obligation with his kids until they are out of the house and able to support themselves, but you seem to want for him to continue to pay spousal support while your boyfriend lives with you and your ex covers many of your expenses. I particularly think many women take advantage of the man they divorce. They get EVERYTHING, "move on with their lives" and yet they still need financial support. I tell you why you haven't married your boyfriend: because the moment you re-marry your ex will not reposnible to pay you a dime. My advice, be a woman of ethics and recognize that you are fully grown and your ex really doesn't have the obligation to pay for your lifestyle. He only has a responsibility to support your kids and help you get back on your feet after the divorce. But paying spousal support for life while you enjoy another man's company and your ex is probably struggling to go on with his life because he has a grown-up woman to support is unrealistic and pathetic. Okay, he cheated, I get it. His behavior wasn't ideal but now he has his whole economic future partially in limbo because you can't be self-sufficient. Then you haven't moved on fully like you said.

[irishgal]

Just some thoughts :)...a) you sound fairly intelligent and alert, could he find your financial efficiency & attention to detail to come off as condescending/irritating/threat to his intellect, b) presumes that his sons' apathy is because you have spoken ill of him rather than accepting that he lost their respect through his own actions, c) the new wife encourages his attitude & they find comfort/alliance with each other by warring with u, d) he seeks to find your faults to convince himself that the marriage failure was 50/50. He has spent the last 5 years or so with somebody who I'm certain is doing her best to get rid of u...now that is bound to take effect. Stuff him, what a bastard. I lost the respect of my father for similar reasons & I wouldn't say I suffered over it. In fact, I'm better off without him. I doubt that your sons are very concerned about it. If they are apathetic towards him, I think they're alright.

[Anonymous]

He probably feels since your children are pretty much grown up, you seem self sufficient, you have a new boyfriend, and you still have the home, that he shouldn't be responsible for supporting you. Do you really need any money from him?

[Asker]

Limited characters, so point form facts: Sold matrimonial home. Split 16G Equity. I have fulltime job, still not enough to pay mortgage, grocery, bills, extras like when 11yr old car breaks down. I live in a sweet small 1000sq home. Cancelled cable, home phone, car pool to work to cut costs. My mother cosigned my mortgage. I don't want to take $ from my boyfriend. Won't cohabitate until sons finish school and leave home. Had to file for bankruptcy this yr. My ex's income is 4X mine ++

[Opinion Owner]

Well now the question of whether you are entitled to this money comes in. Did you work while you were married? How much of your combined income did you bring in? Did you do most of the housework while sacrificing your money making potential? There are many questions and I'm sure he sees the answer differently to them all than you do which is why he is pissed off. It doesn't really matter what I think or you think, bottom line is he is pissed because he doesn't feel you deserve what you want.

[rgtsc01]

It's clear your ex has disdain for you because of the pending financial support agreement. Just explain to your lawyer that you can't deal directly with him and let the lawyers work with him.

[ryanontario]

well its normal for people especially married well divorced people to dislike there ex's . especially when money is involved , he clearly finds your request for financial support unreasonable