My long time girlfriend came clean about cheating on me a long time ago. Should I make a big deal out of it?

[Anonymous]

I've been together with my girlfriend for 3 years now. She recently came clean about having had an affair with her ex about 2 years ago that lasted for 4 months before she stopped it.

How the hell am I supposed to react to this? I mean, what she did was wrong but it was also a long time ago and I don't have any reason to believe she's done it again since then, at least, I don't think so.

What should I do?

[ohhmylovely]

Personally, this never happened to me and I don't know how I would handle it. I do believe that people learn from these kinds of mistakes. She told you most likely because it was eating her up inside. Guilt alone can change a person. Guilt can make her realize what a horrible thing she do and she may decide to never do it again for that reason.

However, there are people who will do it again. I don't believe that once a cheater always a cheater. I believe if they've cheated two or more times, they are always going to cheat. After one time I think they either realize how big of a mistake it was or they don't and keep cheating.

I would make a somewhat big deal out of this. You have every right to. You have a right not to trust her anymore. You have a right to keep a close eye on her. You have a right to not wanting her to hang out with this guy or any guys for that matter.

You have to think about the circumstances. Was she drunk? Were you guys in a fight? Was she doing it because you don't sexually satisfy her? Was she doing it because she still had feelings for her ex? If so, does she still have feelings for him now? Was she doing it because she jumped back into a relationship (the one with you) too quickly? Was she doing it because she didn't feel like there was a connection for you two at the time? and if that's how she felt then, does she still feel like or even slightly feel like this now?

Maybe at the time she thought you guys weren't very serious and that you guys weren't going to last much longer, but after realizing you guys are getting serious, she realized it was wrong and wanted to let you know before the relationship got any further.

You have to give her credit for being honest and letting you know this, but there's so many other things behind this all. You need to sit down and talk to her and figure everything out. Figure out why she did this in the first place and then it'll help you able to judge if she'll do it again.

[Asker]

Well, the fact that it was a 4 month long affair and not a one time occurence rules out the "her being drunk" and "us being in a fight" scenarios. Yes, she did still have feelings for her ex. I don't know if she still does now but they were engaged before they broke up. The reason they broke up was because he dumped her for another girl who he is supposedly now married to and has a kid with.

[Asker]

Is it possible that I started out as a rebound fling that unexpectedly turned into something more, and that had something to do with why she cheated? I don't know because we had been together almost a year before it started.

[ohhmylovely]

Oh yeah I forgot you wrote that (about the 4 month thing). It is possible that at the time you were a rebound fling or she felt that you two weren't going to end up together forever or serious or anything, but if she felt that way, she should have ended it or talked to you about it. she went about it the wrong way. and if this was over a 4 month period, she obviously did not learn her lesson the first time. I know it could be hard, but I'd say it might be time for you to leave. If she loved you,

[ohhmylovely]

(continuing) she wouldn't have done that to you. Maybe she wasn't ready for a relationship then, but she is now. You could TRY and figure everything out and talk it out, but even then, you will probably live with her unable to trust her and that's an important part of the relationship. There are plenty of girls out there who will treat you right and respect you. She's apparently not one of them. If the tables were turned and you cheated on her, she probably wouldn't forgive you and leave you..

[cacopuff]

I think that you should leave her because, she cheated on you with her ex for about four months. To me that is saying she didn't care about you and on top of that you said that he is married with a kid. I understand that the guy left her for another woman, but that doesn't give her the right to do that to you. I mean, you didn't even get afare chance with in the begining.

I you feel that you still want, then she should give you a free cheating pass. Everytime she cheats on you then that is another free pass for yourself lol.

[Saygoodnitenai]

She cheated once .she'll do it again.

Should you make a big deal out of it? <~thats up to you. You have a right too. Me personally I would. She committed herself to being in a relationship with you and cheated and waiteed this long to tell you. WOW! I guess you can play the forgiving role but now that she's told you .you can forgive all day but will you forget .No!

[larryecoleman]

What does your intuition (your gut) tell you? The fact of the matter is this: whether she told you then or told you now, your response is still the same--shock! With the cat out of the bag you're going to have to determine if you can trust her totally and let this one slide. Of course, most people can not. Whether she's been faithful to you all this time or not is not the issue. The bigger issue is that she didn't trust you enough to let you know that she was even considering getting back with him. This was very careless and dangerous. She had no idea of how many partners her ex had before entering back into a sexual relationship with him. She was trying to play two hands at the same time and this tells me that she wasn't really sold out or committed to the relationship with you at the time of the affair. Perhaps she is now. The best thing you can do now is to give yourself some space. Everything is so fresh right now that it's going to take some time before you get your bearings. Trying to maintain a relationship without a deep level of trust is nearly impossible. You already know this and you already know what to do. You must love yourself before you can truly love somebody else. Loving yourself means making the hard choices you don't want to. I think you know what must be done. The question now is: Do you have the guts to do it?

[raz0rblastz]

for someone to admit everything to you means that they believe deeply in a relationship and she trusts that you are able to understand her.it means a great deal to her and she really really hopes that you will be forgiving.on the other hand I can empathise with you that you feel hurt, but that hurt will go away through time.

forgive her and let things go.its over and she has no wish to do it again.BELIEF makes a relationship work

[AJtogo]

I would be wondering why the hell she chose now to tell you. It certainly doesn't help you to know at this stage of the relationship. Is she trying to get you pissed so you'll break up with her? Or is she trying to clear her conscience? Wow. Some things are best left unsaid.

[xomeghanxo]

This is really hard. I would definately be mad at your girlfriend. But there's nothing really you can do now because it happened 2 years ago. But you need to question her about her, and you need to gain her trust. Like if you think she's gonna do it again. My theory is "Once a cheater, always a cheater" So it might be different for you but that's just what I think. If someone cheated on me regardless of how long ago it was, I'd be gone. I wouldn't be able to stay with them. But this is a really hard situation to deal with. So that's all I have to say. Good luck though!

[l-hedoniste]

Nothing. Do absolutely nothing. She was a silly fool for telling you; don't compound her mistake.

[Anonymous]

forgive her.

[Anonymous]

move on.