My trust issues ruined everything. I want him back HELP!

[itzzxhypnotik]

I was in a relationship with this guy and the connection we had was amazing. He was so sweet. He would take me out, treat me well, open car door for me, buy me cards for no reason, give me a lot of attention, etc. I couldn’t ask for more. Unfortunately, I started falling and everything got EXTREMELY scary for me. I began to have my typical trust issues. I would always ask where he was and even when he’d say he was at home I WOULDN’T BELIEVE HIM! One night he wasn’t answering my calls/texts for 3 hours and I blew up his phone. I seriously called/texted him like 15 times each. For some reason I thought he was up to no good even though I know he’s a great guy and really liked me so I don’t know why I thought that. Another time I even accused him of deleting a text message from his friend which he never did.

After awhile he stopped being understanding and started to get annoyed and angry since he never did anything to make me mistrust him. (I do this to everyone, it wasn’t a gut feeling or anything, I know he’s a great guy). So after a little bit he told me he had had enough and he couldn’t take it anymore. He thought we should take a few steps back and spend less time together. He told me that he still wanted to fix things but that I had pushed him away so he needed some time. I fought this and told him that I would like to work on my trust issues while we were still talking. He agreed so technically we were still together. However, I got mad at him the other day because he didn’t want me to go out with his friends and him to the bar. I thought this was a bad sign that he didn’t want me around. I still could tell his feelings weren’t as strong for me as before so I talked to him and said that maybe we should actually take time apart. He agreed. I told him that we should stop talking for a little and hanging out and he thought that was a good idea. However, I started questioning that decision and broke down in tears asking him if he would miss me in time and if he would regain his feelings towards me. He kept saying, “I don’t know what will happen. But we both know this is the right thing to do. Let’s take some time and then we’ll talk or meet back up and see where things go. This isn’t the last time we’ll talk and see each other.” I kept asking if he thought we’d get back together and he said he didn’t know.

I am aware that this is my fault. My trust issues always eff up my relationships…but I just don’t know what to do. We broke up yesterday. Last night I texted him and tried to call him but he never responded and didn’t ever call back. I know I need to back off, I pushed him away. He needs to know that I can trust him and not act crazy; calling him so soon doesn’t show that I can change my habits. But do you think it’s for good? I am going to see a therapist about my trust issues because they are becoming an ongoing problem. I just want him to miss me and for us to be happy like we were at first. What is your advice?

Updates

+1 y

he said we'd take some time and then talk. today I sent him a simple text message that said "thinking of you" but he never replied. why would he say that we would talk and see each other again but then ignore me? I can't stop crying. I'm having a breakdown

[Anonymous]

First of all, YES, you do need some guidance on your trust issues. They are obviously ruining your love life, and I'm sure other aspects of your life as well. Question: do you want to feel this way and have your suspicions constantly run your life, having you always be worried and paranoid? I really hope not. Have hope, there is a way out of this! I've been through almost the same situation you are going through. I used to be the one with the trust issues, but through time, self reflection, and an active will to fix the problem, I learned to deal with sneaking suspicion superbly.

You must first sit back and take a look at yourself. What is making you be like this? Has anyone in your past hurt you so much that you can't trust the people you love and should trust? This is usually the case, as it was for me. I had my heart abused by girls I liked and loved since grade school. I let my strong romantic emotions run my life, and when they saw they had me wrapped around their finger, they had no respect left for me. When they left or cheated on me, and they always did, I felt betrayed and got more paranoid with each new girl I'd fall for. The last girl I was like this with was also deeply in love with me, just like your partner. However, I messed it all up with my trust issues and paranoia. She finally lost all respect for me and cheated on me with some guy in a club. I took her back (stupidly), and she and her friends made fun of me. That was the last straw. I NEEDED to change, for myself, not for any other girl. I'm happy to say that was the last girl who ran and ruined my life, and now she even wants me back!

This isn't about the two of you, it's about YOU. You need to learn how to live life without him. Then and only then is when you can start to live life with him. You cannot...MUST not ever be so reliant on a man that it weakens your ability to function in life. Your only goal right now (and I'm extremely serious) is to stop all contact with him. This is a must. It will hurt, a lot. But all strong things must be forged through fire. We as humans need catharsis, a purging to eradicate weakness and set in stone strength. Say to yourself "Once and for all, I'm ceasing all contact with this person. It might hurt a lot, but I need this for ME. No one runs my life and emotions but ME. I am in charge of my life." Listen to songs about personal strength concerning relationships, get a new hobby, spend time with friends, possibly even date other men for fun. After a while, he will miss you and in all likelihood call you and ask to see you. But you must never think of that during your time apart. That time is reserved for your new life without him. This is the only way to take hold of a life that is entirely yours, a life worth living. Men (yours included) will take notice of your new found confidence and will flock to you. The strength inside shines on the outside.

Hope this helps! Good luck, and much strength!

[itzzxhypnotik]

thanks, that was great. I know that I need to focus on me and my issues. however, all I can think of is him. what he's doing, if he's thinking of me, if he misses me, if he's glad to have me gone, etc. like tonight we all were supposed to go out to the bar for his frinds gf's bday. so obviously that's what he'll be doing. and no he isn't especially hot or anything but I just keep thinking of him getting drunk (which he rarely does) and hooking up with a girl! when I think this I almost call

[itzzxhypnotik]

him. but I stop myself. since last night I haven't tried to talk to him since I know that he needs space. when we were breaking up yesterday I told him my worries about other girls and he doesn't get why I can't just trust he isn't that kind of guy. so as much as I want to call him and ask him, that's not working on my issues. but I still can't get it out of my mind. I want to work on me so I can have a relationship that I don't worry and stress all the time but all I can think of is if he'll miss me

[Opinion Owner]

I know, I used to think about my ex out doing the same stuff all the time too...and it emotionally destroyed me. These feelings will occur, they are natural, there is no "cure" for those feelings. However, you can proactively deal with them by uplifting yourself. While he's out, go out with girlfriends, go out dancing, go to a movie, etc. Do things to keep your mind occupied and that you will have fun doing. Friends and dating are great when it comes to feelings like those. It takes time...

[itzzxhypnotik]

right now I am just relaxing at home. taking some me time. he and I hung out a lot so I didn't get much of that because I was so stuck up his a$$! all I want is to know if he'll miss me or if with time aparrt he will be happy to have me off his back. I don't want him to forget about the good times we had. I'm thinking that he will only think about the bad times and won't miss me. ugh this whole thing sucks. time apart usually means it's over for good. even though it was a mutual decision

[Opinion Owner]

Not true. When I broke up with my ex who cheated on me, she had no respect left for me. I left, got in great shape, found new friends, dated women, and found a wonderful girlfriend who loved me. Through all this, I did miss her, but I was so excited building my confidence and becoming a new "me". I loved the new me. A few months later, she wrote me an email saying she missed me, and wanted me back. I told her sorry I had another girlfriend who treated me with dignity and respect...

[Opinion Owner]

She became so jealous and hurt...she was still in love with me all along. The moral is, if you two shared something great one time, and he still loves you, he WILL think about you. Especially if he doesn't speak to or see you for a while. But you HAVE to give him the chance to miss you. If you're constantly there "up his a$$", he won't ever have the chance to miss the girl he once fell in love with. Life is about risks...but the risks you take can yield pretty damn good things. I know. :)

[Opinion Owner]

So, it's never "over" if there is mutual chemistry and love. What you're doing right now is psyching yourself out...don't do that. Like I said, even though you want time alone right now, that's really not the best thing, being alone with your thoughts. You need mental stimulation, preferably with others. Being alone right now could tempt you into worrying and calling him again, especially tonight when he's out. Call your buds, go out and dance! Have men hit on you, feel wanted again!

[itzzxhypnotik]

i already got a vday present for him so I was gonna leave the card and present I got under his windshield wiper. I wrote a note. it's not begging for him back it's basically saying that I understand what he did and I'm working on it and maybe one day we can have what we had back but he deserved better. too much or is that a good idea?

[Opinion Owner]

Too much. It is imperative that you do not have contact with him AT ALL. Especially over Valentine's Day. He needs the space, but most importantly YOU need the space.

Stay strong!

[itzzxhypnotik]

how can you go from contact all the time to nothing? is this hard for him to not call/text me when we used to talk all the tme?

[Opinion Owner]

It is VERY hard, but it is necessary, unfortunately. It is the ONLY way, I'm sorry. Since you were the one with the trust issues, making him feel smothered, it will take time apart for him to realize he misses you. This will be very hard for you, understand this. That is why I say hang out with friends and occupy yourself and not think of him, most importantly.

[Anonymous]

Hey look I have the same problem as you I've been in this relationship for a year and half and just 10 days ago we went on a break she keeps telling my friends she doesn't know what she feels but she's gonna stay loyal and all that but my trust issues from past relationships pushed her away and now I'm trying not to contact her she wanted to meet tonight and talk and grab something to eat but she still doesn't know what she wants I think this is all just to play with my head so I can change faster so we can get back to who we were before this trust issue came into affect now I'm doing the no contact rule and hope she will come back to me

[Anonymous]

I am sorry, For some reason men do not have as much grace as women do when guys have trust/jealousy issues. I think men like to feel some independance maybe. I have trust issues also. If people are meant to be together they will have patience and endure. A lasting relationship has sacrifice on both parts. It is easier to have trust when you know a person before getting in the sack. After the relationship goes that far that is when the fear steps in. I have never been able to wait for marriage. God needs to help me, however I am a strong believer in whatever happens is meant to happen. Even when we mess up God uses our mess for His Glory. Here is some advice, Live Love and do not be afraid to mess up. No matter what everything will be okay because Jesus will never leave you :)

[sticks1680]

Work on yourself. you are no good to him or yourself until you come to grips with the issues. that is the only answer. Trust is huge in a relationship. Communication also. He knows you care. take time off and handle yer business.