Why did he try to get me back and then leave me for someone else?

[Anonymous]

So devastated and would really like to hear what you think! I've been so depressed that I don't know what to do with myself. I can't get through this alone, and my friends stopped listening, so please listen. I'm worried I'll start throwing my life down the tubes over this guy.. Here goes my story...

My ex tried to get back with me 2 times since we broke up a year ago. The first time we tried to be friends while he was casually dating someone. We fell for each other, I said no when he asked me out, and then he ignored me and kept dating her.

He came crawling back 3 weeks later apologizing and asking to be with me and to let him prove to me he's changed. He said he booked a trip with her and was a complete wreck over it since he doesn't want to be with her but with me. He even texted me the whole time he was there. He begged and pleaded and cried over me for 2 months. It took a while to believe his intentions, but it finally started to feel like he really cared for me and he was just caught in a bad place. While the whole thing seemed a little sketch, the way he was acting made me believe him. We met up once and it was very obvious how much he cared for me.

Turns out, he lied about everything. They were boyfriend/girlfriend the whole time and they went on vacation together when he denied it. If I didn't stalk on facebook, I would have never found out the truth. He still denied that they were official, but they were dating. He said he tried to break up with her many times since she isn't the one, but they are still together. It ended with me badgering him with texts and calls about how I'm going to ruin his life and then he blocked my phone number, changed his facebook and blocked that and probably blocked everything else but I haven't tried. It's obvious he wants me out of his life for good when only days before he was saying he wanted to see me and prove to me what a good man he is.

I'm crushed that someone I trusted and loved more than anyone would do this to me. He truly was my best friend, and he lfet me like I was a piece of trash. I have no idea if they'll tstay together, seeing how I told her the truth many times that she has to believe some of it by now, plus they obviously have issues.

What I'm really curious about is why he would ask for me back and then run away? It wasn't just a quick question or to see if he had a chance. He begged for 2 months and put up with my insults during that time. I gave him no hope and he still stayed, until now. We only saw each other 1x, so itwasn't for sex. Thinking that he just used me hurts more than anything, but I need to hear your opinions. How could he do this? He convinced me he would never do that again... heartbroken.

Updates

+1 y

So is the consensus that he never really cared or wanted me back? I don't understand why he'd bother then... anyone have a clue?

[themastaplan]

you told him no initially when he asked you out...why would he put his life on hold to wait for you...im not trying to be a d*** here but honestly...if you said no you don't want to date him and that you just want to be friendsa nd then he tried again 3 weeks ago and you said no again...what would make him think you wanted him back ever again? why would he continually try to get back with you if every time he asked you said no...

i think you like the chase...you liek what you can't have...it sucks when someone wants you and you don't want them back till they stop paying attention or caring anymore or wasting their time...

you really need to think about what you want and why you want it...he has every reason to block you and not respond, every time he tried to get back with you and begged you, you said no...to defend him there really is no other option than to move on at this point...

as far as him "dating" the girl...its none of your business, if he cared about you tho he wouldn't have lied...but still he really has no obligation to tell you anything about her because you two are broken up, he doesn't need to tell all his friends everything that is happening...if you didn't want him with this girl you would have stopped it from happening...im just saying with all this "waiting" he did, he finally realized he was gonna get no where, at least from the signs you were giving him

you need to show him you want him back, no stalking, no dirty play...just be who you are and the girl he fell for...take some time for yourself to be alone and figure out who you are and what you want...it take TIME, but with all the signals you gave him (showing your not interested) it was really only a matter of time before this happened

[Asker]

I did say no, many times, but then would change my mind and not know what to do so I would continue talking to him. I do need time to sort it out. I have residual feelings, but I think that's it and I need to let those go since I know deep down I don't want to be with him. We weren't friends at this point, we were starting a new relationship, while he had a girlfriend, I think that's something I deserved to know! He asked me to marry him while he was with someone! Thanks for your comments.

[themastaplan]

its not fair for him to ask to marry you while with another girl (esp for her) but you have to understand, I've been through this before. he loves you, he wants you, you'll say you want him one day then the next you'll be like stop we're single...its mind games really, he's doing what he feels will help him move on...you can only do so much and try so many different things before you say "why am I wasting my time if I won't ever get him/her back"

[Asker]

No what he did sucks terribly and he shouldn't have lied to all of us. If he really loved me and wanted to be with me, how can you explain using me as the backup and having a girlfriend the WHOLE time? haha. I think he was the one playing games, saying he wants to marry me, yet having a girlfriend and telling me he's single all at the same time, and then dissappearing. I get what you're saying, but I don't think that's the case with me... I kind of wish it were.

[themastaplan]

its not fair for him to do that, you both need to sit down and talk...IMO, if he wants to be with that girl fine, show him you can live w/o him...start being independant and you'll find a 10x better guy than him...i promise and don't go looking for it, it will find you :)

[Asker]

I appreciate your advice... you've had me thinking about what you said about how he might be acting like a jerk and moving on because I've given him every signal that I don't want him and he didn't want to be hurt... do you relaly think that could be it? I'm having a hard time accepting how he could be so cruel to me. I don't think we'll ever talk again, it's best we just go our separate ways. I agree, there are much better men out there!

[l-hedoniste]

Walk away. Now. Don't analyze, don't look back. One foot in front of the other, and keep going.

Your friends have stopped listening, because they're tired of hearing it and think you're being a fool. You *yourself* are worried about throwing your life down the tubes for him. (Tip: If a guy's making you ask yourself, "will he trash my life?" he's not the one for you.)

He has a girl that he likes enough to go on vacation with, which you have learned about largely by stalking him. (Tip: The stalking urge never comes from a healthy place.) Despite this, he tried to get together with you, floating on a raft of lies. When you called him on it, he blocked you out of his life in every way he possibly could.

WHO CARES why he tried to get with you? He doesn't want you, and if he did he would be the worst thing in the world for you. Don't give him the chance to do any more damage. Stop thinking about him. Stop talking about him. Walk away.

[Asker]

You're right, the man of my dreams would never make me this nuts and unhealthy. He isn't caring about me so I shouldn't with him. It's just been very hurtful and miserable. Today I'm finally starting to forget a little and ignore it all, I think it's the only way. Even talking about it gets me fired up.

[l-hedoniste]

"the man of my dreams would never make me this nuts and unhealthy." So true, I'm stealing it.

[Asker]

Haha, glad I could be of service :) So true though... I was always told "The one for me won't make me cry" ... and the only guy I've dated that I knew in my heart I should be with didn't make me cry, ever, until he left, but that was situational so believe it!

[Livvypuent]

You know what..I was in this same situation...I dated this guy and we had this crazy connection. He dumped me more than once and then pleaded and cried to have me back. I mean this guy made it sound very convincing. Then he would string me along for awhile and do it again..(all the while some other female was involved somewhere) Take my advice please..no matter what... it is not going to work out even if you were to get back with him. Also time will heal this wound. I promise you that. Another man will sweep you off your feet and show you how it is to be treated good. After that you wil realize how much liking and kicking yourself about this other guy was silly. Trust me...don't stalk him anymore..(I know it is hard) just leave him alone..you don't want people to think you are the crazy girl. You want people to think you are the girl wo recognized you were too good for this F***tard...and you can wipe your hands clean of him..I understand it hurts and it's hard to do..reasoning with your feelings can be very difficult. All the same you need to move forward dear..

[toosexualcat]

He tries to get back with you...but you tell him go to hell... he said I'm a good guy I want to be with you, please let's try again...and again you say go to hell... so he says f it then, I'm staying with the new girl... and NOW you're upset?!?

Girl, what's going on in that head of yours?

[Asker]

I'm upset because towards the end I was giving it a thought, and then I find out he has a girlfriend! So he couldn't truly have wanted me back and I was worried he was still that scumbag. Now he's completely blocked me from his life to be with her. If I said yes, maybe he would have gotten rid of her, but he was cheating on her with me, so I doubt he would be faithful to me... right?

[toosexualcat]

Maybe I misread the story. Was he with her when he was pursuing you? The first and second time you told him to go to hell, in not so many words? Because the way I read the story, you told him to gth and THEN he got a girlfriend, and now you're upset because he dumped you completely.

[toosexualcat]

I re-read the whole thing and it still read this way to me except for the he's casually dating someone. That's not a girlfriend to me... so the question is, who said she was the gf? his page, the girl, his friends, your friends, who? because sometimes the girl things they're a girlfriend and the guy is like no, she's just someone I'm dating. OTOH it IS also the same line as a cheaters.

The best thing is, trust your instincts. If you felt in your guy he is a cheater, then be glad you don't have to deal w/im.

[Asker]

Sorry for the confusion. He has been with her, officially or not for 9 months, during which he tried to get back together with me 2x. He was fighting with her/broken up during those times I think, but still seeing each other. On his facebook she called him her boyfriend and he said they were together but he never officially asked her out as bf/gf. She kept saying they were tog months ago when they weren't. I don't know what to think but now he doesn't talk to me, so I guess they're happy :( so sad.

[toosexualcat]

So sad? Why? If the guy was a sleeze, be more than HAPPY you don't have to deal with the douche! Yeah, you're missing the attention from this guy but so what? Go get healthy attention. No way was this a good guy. 9 mo's of dating but no gf? yeah right...

[Asker]

I'm sad because I'm hurt that he would ever do this to me. I really believed him and I can't get over that someone I was supposed to marry this year could do this to me so many times. He was my best friend and he can't stand her. Sure they may have been together, but I read their msgs to each other and they have a terrible relationship, obviously if he's cheating on her with me. It just hurts to find out someone you believed in could do this... I don't know who this guy is...

[toosexualcat]

The only thing you need to know is he's bad news. Think about it. Suppose you were together with him, and things hit some kind of rock. As soon as that happens he's going to run off to the next chick who's nice to him? No thank you! He wasn't your best friend. Friends don't do that to each other! Let alone BEST ones... no no no... erase him.

[Asker]

Very true and that's why I told him that I didn't want to get back together, because he's clearly untrustworthy. He was good to me, he's changed... it's been over a year since we broke up so he's become someone else. I miss the old him and our realtionship years ago. He was my best friend, then. It's so hard to let go, completely, and think that I meant nothing to him.

[Anonymous]

He wanted to reject you like you did him.. Kind of payback

It doesn't sound like he did it because he liked you but because he's mean.wanted to hurt you 10x worse and worked his way by the sounds of it... Although he kept insisting he was with her so he wasint jst with you .

[Asker]

Thank you for this observation. That was part of my thoughts on the matter. He was so good to me until I told him I wanted nothing to do with him. He is paying me back for the rejection he felt and is using her as well to make me feel terrible, holding it above my head as a trap for me to care.

[postt]

"Your friends have stopped listening, because they're tired of hearing it" I know someone on the internet we talked with headsets and he broke up with this bitch every 2-3 days and even a few min after they would get back together and we didn't care at all..

anyway I don't know unless you dumped him and he was really pissed off and wanted revenge.. anyway if he's having issues with his new girlfriend too he doesn't seem like a quality guy and you should ignore everything block him on w.e hang out with your friends and forget him.. I guess its easier for me I supress everything easy but do other things.. he's still the sh*t you dumped just think back to that time, why, and realize he f***s up all his relationships lol..

[Asker]

Love your advice! You're right, he's a big loser haha. It could be revenge since I turned him down many times, and when I found out, I insulted him so badly I think I destroyed his ego completely. I have never been so mean to him and I think he had enough! He deserved those comments though :X

[Chelseatiger]

Despite what you feel (or felt) for him, I wouldn' even worry about him any more. If he really loved you he wouldn't, or shouldn't, have any romantic feelings for anyone else. Don't get deceived by his pleas for a reunion. It's fairly obvious that you don't mean that much to him and how can you develop a relationship with someone you can't trust? However I am in no position to advise you on who you love or how you feel for anyone but personally I would try to forget about him and have nothing more to do with him. The majority of us guys are a lot more trustworthy than your ex and, hard as it may be to believe, there are some really good men on the market! Try to forget all about him, don't get down because of what has happened. Don't let it make you feel bad about yourself. Move on, forget all about him and keep your head held high.

[Anonymous]

you should move on.

don't look back, he should be left in your past. forget about him.

[DoesItGetBetter]

Send me a message and lets chat. I'm going through the same thing. And like you, most of my friends as sick of hearing it. They all just want me to "get over it".