Ex boyfriend loves me but felt trapped?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I recently broke up after 2 years together. Before we split, he had been talking about marriage and buying a house together. It was always him that suggested these things, not me. As the relationship was going on we started to argue a lot. I felt like he was angry at me but I didn't know why. We would argue about silly things but it got to the point we were arguing every week. Then one day I said I couldn't take it anymore and said we were over.

The next day I realized this was a rash decision and tried to speak to him to apologize. He told me that he thought it was the right decision, that we just haven't been getting on.

A month after the split I have exchanged a few text messages with him. He says he still loves and misses me but he can't put in the effort required to make the relationship work right now. He says that may change in the future but he doesn't know. He says he realized he stopped 'trying' at the relationship and that was wrong of him and that I didn't deserve that. He says he is sorry things didn't end up differently. I asked if he just stopped loving me and that's why he didn't want to try, and he said, as hard as it is for me hear, he has never stopped loving me and still does love me, he just thinks he felt everything was moving too fast and he felt trapped. We got together quite soon after both of our previous relationships and he said he needs to work out who he is... work out what he likes hobby wise etc.

I don't understand how someone can say they love you but choose not to be with you. Do you think he's mistaken and he can't really love me? I'm so confused by all of this. I never pushed him for marriage or to buy a house, each time these were his suggestions so I'm confused as to why he felt it was moving too fast.

I think he's a decent guy and I don't think he would say these things if he didn't believe them to be true, but at the same time, how can you love someone and choose to risk losing them while you go and 'find yourself'?

Do you think we can ever make up or should I move on? I love him so much that it's so hard to give up hope.

Updates

+1 y

I saw him two days ago. He said he was upset by everything and started kissing me. He asked if I would sleep with him 'for old times sake'. He was very clear he didn't want a relationship following it though. I said no... I was offended really. That's not what I want. I want us to get back together. He kissed me and I did kiss him back... and he was cuddling me a lot. He said it felt 'exciting again' which upset me too... as if things hadn't been exciting between us while together.

Updates

+1 y

He said he was really upset (as I didn't think he had been bothered) then he said 'I have a lot of thinking to do don't I?'... and then said things like 'now what?'... He said he didn't want me to go.


I said it was up to him. I went home and he sent me a text apologising for 'doing the typical boy thing', but saying how much he enjoyed seeing me. I said, 'dont worry, I know it didn't mean anything'... he said, 'doesn't it? Now I'm more confused.' Its been 2 days and I've not heard from him.

Updates

+1 y

This has confused me even more. Is he just playing games with me? I thought even though it had only been 2 days maybe this meant he did want to be with me and he would have been in touch. Maybe I am being impatient expecting him to be in touch 2 days later? Am I being naive? Is this guy messing me around?

[Soon103]

He probably does loves you and told you so. In a relationship you have to be moving in the same direction and when one person isn't with you 100 per cent it will lead to frustration on the other. You said he made plans for marriage and a home, but you never participated in those thoughts. That says he will have to drag you alone instead of working together. It maybe 2 to 4 years down the road, but unless you two are headed in the same direction then it won't work. I tell people if one of you are headed in another direction let them go because you will avoid a lot of pain down the road.

Just keep in contact as its not over and tell him you will wait, but if you're not looking for what he wants then voice your opinion. Sometimes a woman can influence a man to do things that he's not ready are able too. You need to be realistic and voice your opinion. Its some reason that your not in this and maybe you don't see this happen in the near future so you're just letting him talk. Bad idea, short terms, near terms, and future. Always plan ahead. He'll be back.

[Asker]

It's not that I didn't want marriage and houses, it's just that I was saying he was the one suggesting them when I didn't bring them up... and gave him to reason to promise those things if he didn't really want them. In other words, why was he feeling trapped when I never asked him to make those commitments and start talking about being more serious?

[Soon103]

Honestly I think he was talking horny...almost like drunk talk. You should believe nothing when the little head is talking. Is it possible that he has another woman? Could he have his eyes on another woman? Seemed like he was toying with you and disregarding your feeling. I don’t think he thinking of the two you as partners in anything but a quickie.

Its fast, but maybe he has moved on , more-likely when you thought it was fine 'it wasn't' . I think when people say move on here its just to get your mind in the frame of really thinking of letting this go. I believe he think the grass is greener on the other side.

Your guy has move on but keep you as a back-up and possible lay.

[Asker]

I don't think he has someone else. He keeps telling me he won't be dating for a while. He said he hoped maybe we could be friends and that might develop into something else. He said he wants to see me independent and not reliant on him (I didn't think I was!)... But wouldn't he have called or texted after 2 days? He does seem to take ages to work out what he wants. I suppose I should just move on now? I've held on for so long and trying to work out what is going on with him is driving me nuts.

[Soon103]

If I knew you were hurting yes then I would call...not text but call. I would let this go.

[stercor]

Looks like it's over for him.

You can't push a rope.

Time to move on.

[Asker]

Why does he keep telling me he still loves me then?