My husband cheated on me with a stripper while he was on a business trip.
He says he got talked into to and doesn't know why he didn't and wishes it had never happened and that he loves me and our children and wants to be with me. I just don't understand how this could happen. How do just let something like that happen and not know why. He has broken my heart, but for some reason I still love him.
What's Your Opinion?
Most Helpful Opinion
Hon, I am so sorry for your pain. It is hell for sure. It is something you will have to live with forever. Your husband will never know what he has done to you or your marriage. Trust is everything, and he has destroyed it for now. But make no mistake, nobody, hear me, nobody talked your husband into having sex with the stripper. He did it, he needs to own his adultery, plain & simple. If he doesn't, your marriage won't survive.
By blaming others for his behavior he isn't taking responsibility for his actions. If he doesn't man-up and tell you the truth, how can you believe him at all? An opportunity presented itself, he wanted it, he took it. Why did he want it? Did he want more sex? Need different kinds of sex? Ask him. What was missing. These are good questions for therapy. But do not let him off the hook. He knows the answer the question...why he did this. And be assured, no one talked him into it.
And of course you still love him. You didn't do anything to stop loving him. You can forgive him, but lady, never forget. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Has he been on trips before? Has he cheated before? Did he tell you now because someone was going to tell you what he did on this trip? Ask.
And get yourself tested. NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS. GET YOURSELF TESTED. If he was drunk, he may not have been wearing a condom. KEEP YOURSELF HEALTHY.
I feel for you. I may not have been in your exact situation, but I do know the pain. You need to be cautious here. This will take a long time to rebuild the trust. If he's just going to therapy because you asked, you'll quickly know. I suspect there are a lot of communication issues with him. Be careful & don't let him blame you. You are not at fault here. Make sure your therapist specializes in this.
Good luck sister.
What Guys Said 2
1) I think your husband wrote the only other Guy response, cause the post sounds like someone trying to justify what he did.
2) I have traveled quite a bit in my day and spent many of nights with incredibly beautiful women at the hotel bar. Not once was anyone able to "talk" me into sleeping with any of them.
Everything else I would say here has already been said by "DebiPie". I 100% agree with her.
I really regret that the sex education is so poor in this country. Odds are that you, your husband and the stripper don't understand why this happens.
Females produce a pheromone in their outer labia which is intended to signal when a female is ready to conceive. If a male spends time in a small, enclosed space with a woman who is ovulating, the side effects of this substance will shut the cognitive functions of the human mind including the ability to: do math, plan, exercise social restraint, recognise whether they are with their spouse, etc. In fact, only two functions of the conscious brain remain operative, emotions and memory. Under these circumstances, your emotions are not your friend. So, unless the man remembers this happening before and he understood what happened before, he is lost.
Be grateful your husband wasn't with a 9-year-old girl who wanted something from him. Girls between the ages of nine and menarche can learn to produce this substance on demand to get what they want; all without understanding what they are doing.
What Girls Said 6
as someone who has been a stripper, you have to know that it is an extremely sexual environment, but you can't be convinced that he 'got pushed into it' you need him to admit it was just as much him, and you also need to know if you care about him enough to forgive him, the fact that it was with a dancer shows that it probably wasn't a meaningful relationship, it would have been a meaningless enjoyable one night stand, which changes things but still hurts. Just so you know, I never slept with a customer in my life.
My heartbroke when I read this post! Dear Anonymous, I kind of know how you are feeling because I've been cheated on by the father of my kid, thankfully I was not married to him. 1st, if he confessed without you mentioning anything about unfaithfulness then that's a pinch of some good morals and respect for you and his children. If he apologized and really seem regretful then he would have to prove it with good actions. But, this could have been prevented! He was away on business then what the hell was he doing at a stripclub? Or does he work at a stripclub? I hope not. And men CAN choose NOT to cheat! How is it diffcult to say NO and WALK away? I understand that you love him of course you love him he is the father of your children but, just because he is all that doesn't mean you should forgive&forget right away and be the same to him. I still love my kid's father when he did all those horrific things to me. It wounded me so bad and it still hurts to be honest, I would of never thought that he'd do what he did to me after what we went through. In my beliefs cheating is thee worst thing a person can do when their in a relationship/married. I really don't know what to say but, just relate and tell you what I think. At the end of the day you are going to do whatever feels right for you.
If you want to know the reason for his cheating I have to agree with what Cassie16 said.
When it comes to cheating I’m pretty hard. I would leave a cheater, because yeah, I believe once a cheater, always a cheater.
But you are married and have children, you guys have a life together and I can imagine ‘breaking up’ isn’t that easy. Although I have to say I would never stay together just for the children because that doesn’t work and everybody gets hurt.
For me the problem wouldn’t be the forgiving but to forget… I would always doubt him. What happens when he gets “talked into it” the next time? (btw I think the “I was talked into it” excuse is pretty stupid).
Anyway- I think it’s a good thing you’re going to counseling. Whatever you do, whatever you decide take as much time as you want and need. Trust what your guts tell you… if you can’t forgive or forget it don’t stay in a relationship in which you doubt your partner or feel so much hurt that you’re unhappy. This isn’t good for you or your children.
Good Luck to you!
Maybe he got drunk, was with some friends, did something stupid. Woke up, found out he was hopeless in love with his sweet wife back at home and run there as fast as he could
That's the positive solution.
He was bored, went to the club, saw a pretty women, got carried away. Woke up, thought of the way you would react but couldn't lie about it either. So he says the obvious (and most common) thing he could: that it wasn't his fault, that he didn't know what he was doing, that he would turn back time if he could, blablabla.
I don't know your husband. I don't know you. I don't know your relation.
But I do know that it's usually the last one.
So if you (want to) forgive him, never forget what he has done. And if you have reason to doubt his faith again... Lets see what happens then.
You said you wanted to hear why: well, these are the two options I can give you. I'm sorry if I'm hard, but I think this is just the way it is.
I am sorry for this. Are you asking us if you should leave or not? or Are you asking why he did that?