After a break-up; does a guy truly want to remain friends?

[Anonymous]

My ex-boyfriend and I have been very good friends for 10 years. We run in the same circle of very close friends. When he broke up with me I broke his heart by telling him I never wanted to see him again and telling him that being friends was out of the question. He never ever cries and he broke down crying. After the break-up we talked and when I asked why he wanted to be friends and how exactly he expected it to work. I told him I would be civil to him and nice when the group all hung out but that (especially since I now know part of the reason he broke up with me is the girl he met working out of town where he lives now) us being friends just wouldn't work. He said he didn't know but he wanted us to be friends and not just acquaintances who cross paths in the same group. He wanted us to be friends like we used to be.

So my question is, when the part of our friendship in which we became the closest was based on our hidden feelings for each other for years, does he truly just want to be friends? Can he really have no ulterior motive for the day he is single or lonely?

He still reaches out to me. I don't initiate contact with him. At first I ignored him hoping it would stop. Then it didn't so I responded to him so he'd see I was fine and available to him hoping it would make him lose interest and it still hasn't stopped. Whether it's a text, phone call, email, or something on Facebook (and even the times we've seen each other) he's reaching out to me. The contact from him is about once a week. I am trying the not responding thing again.

I am just very confused if he broke up with me because he "didn't want a relationship and felt trapped" (code for I don't want a relationship with YOU) and had that girl he met working out of town over at our old apartment the next week, then why does he worry about contacting me? Also, guys (no offense), are you really silly enough to think that being friends with your ex even though you were friends before would work and that be something your new girl would be OK with?

It's hard to believe that he literally just wants a friendship but I'm curious if you think he may.

[ryanrhino]

Speaking from experience, where my current legal wife (divorce filed for by both us) and I had been best friends for 11 years and have an 8 year-old daughter together, it's terribly difficult to let go of such an important relationship. My ex wanted to remain friends, and I initially wanted us to remain married (she betrayed me). However, after she stopped responding to me and stopped treating me like a friend for months, I decided to no longer be friends with her.

You probably started as best friends, and he used to rely on you for so much regarding anything from advice to assurance in his decisions. He can't simply drop that connection. Yes, you are doing the right thing in limiting your conversations with him, but just do what you're comfortable with, varying from nothing to sacrificing your time for him.

If you don't want to talk with him, don't feel that you have to based on your history. Sometimes the honest and calm feelings of friendly separation are needed, but, not to be wishy-washy, you'll know when to give him more time.

[Anonymous]

Well, you sound incredibly smart. Pretty much your analysis of the entire thing is dead on.

Guys can only truly be friends when they stop feeling romantic feelings for their ex. However, as you noted this differs from being "civil." Why he insists on being more than an acquaintance and how exactly his girlfriend is okay with it is beyond me.

My only speculation would be that 1) his girlfriend doesn't know the frequency of his contact with you nor that it even happens and 2) that he wants to keep you there as a back up plan, by keeping you in his life it makes it difficult for you to move on and this comes in to play when sex is needed.

hope this helps. :/

[Asker]

Thanks for your response. I am not sure what she knows of our contact. There have been things that have happened that make me think she knows or he is just really dumb and not careful about what he says around her. We were friends-with-benefits for a few months before we got together, so it is fair for him to expect me to be in his back pocket. My behavior in the past has shown that I'll be around. I agree. I think he doesn't want me to move on, but I don't think it's allowing him to either.

[Opinion Owner]

well then there you have it, it's more of a guarantee for sex than anything.

[Asker]

You think so? Then why does he worry about contacting me now? He gets sex with his new girlfriend. If she doesn't know about when he talks to me or sees (saw- there is no more meeting for lunch, etc.) but could find out, then he'd risk trouble with her. He sent me an email last week with a picture of a black lab puppy (heart melter for me) and then sent me a pic text of something related to my family. You guys can be that methodical? All of this is for sex one day if they don't last? Interesting

[Opinion Owner]

i think subconsciously yes I mean, basically everything a man does is for the ultimate promise of sex. sex as a motivator weighs heavily more for some than others, but ultimately, it is what we all desire and there's not denying this. however, he may just want to be be your friend but again, I promise you would not turn down sex and I'm pretty sure keeping that opportunity open is a motivating factor as well.

[Asker]

Fair enough. Now that's just mean of him. Cries to me and then to our friends because I got him to realize he may not get the chance for sex later down the road by telling him friends isn't a possibility. Men. ;)

[Opinion Owner]

basically...

lol.

[Opinion Owner]

lol you just gave me best answer because I said you were smart :P

[Asker]

Hahaha. Well that and you offered several suggestions to my situation.

[Opinion Owner]

right on, well thank you.

[Gettinghelp]

He still cares about you, you're just not the one he wants to be romantically involved with.

It can happen. It does happen.

It happened to me with one of my exes, and right now, he's the best friend I've got. He gives great advice, he listens to me, we hang out, go for coffee, watevs, and we double date :) I have a boyfriend that he is now good friends with, he has a girlfriend that I am now good friends with. There's no sexual atraction, we're great friends!

It does happen. And he still thinks you're amazing he's just not IN LOVE with you anymore. And that's okay :)

[queenofpeen]

I'd say he doesn't want you to just disappear from his life, especially since you two have been friends for TEN years.

Not all guys have ulterior motives for these things. I personally would trust that he's being honest and wants to keep you in his life, even if it's only as a friend. If something happens later that proves that idea wrong, so be it.

[Asker]

True. But friendships end just like relationships do. If you maintained contact with your ex-boyfriend that you broke up with, why would that be? I think the part of me that wants to be his friend is the part that thinks we may get back together one day (and I mean in the very distant future). And that part of me is the part that is not over the relationship 100%. But I am very close to letting go. I just think it is too awkward to act like the relationship never happened and go back to before.

[queenofpeen]

I stayed friends with my last ex because we still have lots of fun together and he's one of the few people in my area that don't annoy the crap out of me.

That being said, we did take a break from talking after we broke up, so we could "get over each other" and eventually resume the friendship without any romantic feelings. Time apart is healthy after a break-up, but I think it would suck to say you could never be friends again. Everyone's different, though.

[Asker]

Was the break-up between you and your ex who you are now friends with mutual or very one-sided?

[queenofpeen]

He was the first one to suggest we break up, but we decided to keep trying. Finally, I said, "I can't do this anymore" and he agreed. So it was pretty mutual, I think. We're currently both very glad we split when we did. :P

[Asker]

It seems that the people who had mutual break-ups are the ones who can succeed at being friends. I feel very confident I don't love him anymore because I have no desire to be with him, whether I am alone or if I see him. But the fact that he went straight for the girl we 'fought' (wasn't a fight) about the day of the break-up and she's his girlfriend now makes it difficult for everyone. Him, her and me. It's weird he has a new girl and wants to be my friend, weird if she's OK with it and uggh for me.

[BirdofParadise]

I think he truly wants to be friends. You say you were good friends for 10 years, its not easy to handle losing a relationship like that, whether it be with an ex, a friend or family. That also dosen't mean that you need to be friends with him. He hurt you, so he dosen't have the right to force a friendship on you if you don't want.

[prettymuscle]

Honestly when a guy offers a friendships is because they just want sex or they may still love you and they want to get back together in the future as a back up plan, Cause in reality their is nothing to talk about with a ex, maybe just small talk but for what honestly, ask your self that

[Will_Phoenix]

You need to have time a way from an ex after you break up. And then you can get in touch, and see if you can be friends. It's not possible straight away I don't think. I don't think it's possible to just switch those emotions off like a light switch. They need time to switch off.

[sweetaussie]

Me and My ex are now best friends, he is probably the one person I really trust (which is strange as he cheated on me) I have nothing at all to do with his fiance, he does on occasion hang out with my Boyfriend but initially did the whole "hurt her, ill hurt you" thing with him.

[Asker]

We were best friends before the relationship. There isn't a tiny single part if you is his friend because there's a part of you that still wants him? I would think if you were best friends you'd have some sort of rapport established with his current love. I was always friends with my ex's girlfriends when we were close. I actually just ran into one tonight, haha.

[thecandymancan]

Yes he can. It's difficult to explain but I still think about my ex like about my sister or something that I had a huge fight with and who annoys the hell out of me but who I really want to do well nonetheless. But with me it was different maybe because we both didn't really see a future for us. She broke up with me and yes... I could imagine to stay friends but we didn't. It was weird... I still can't really explain what happened but I would have been dandy just staying friends.

[Asker]

Seems like the only people saying 'yes it's a clean friendship' are the ones who had a mutual break-up. There was no mutual in this. 2 weeks before the break-up he was reminding me, yet again, that I could tell my friends I knew I had 'the one'. I know there's no such thing as all-of-a-sudden but this was almost all-of-a-sudden, haha. It happened the night after I found out he met a girl working out of town. It wasn't pretty is what I'm trying to say.

[suavaye]

guys remain friends for 3 reasons:

to get back together,

sex or to keep you around for an ego boost

or to truly be friends.

its not impossible to be friends with an ex. but you BOTH have to want the other in your life or it could be just as ugly as the break up every time you argue

[Asker]

And of your 3 I'm trying to figure out where he falls. Right now I don't want to be his friend. The part of me that no longer loves him and wants to move on has no interest. The part of me that does want to be friends is the masochistic side that still loves him and may want him back one day. It seems that the overall opinion basically is that at this point, it's too early to tell his motives. We've been broken up 3 months. I don't think enough time has passed for either of us to have it clear.

[planetearth]

I've never been able to be friends with exes. But then again we didn't know each other for 10 years either. Usually someone tries to hold something over the other person's head if you try to remain friends. I don't recommend being friends for awhile and to let the waters settle.

[question_girl]

just because you break up with someone doesn't mean they become unimportant to you. may be your ex still has feelings for you...he cares about you and loves you. he just doesn't think that your relationship will work anymore. but that's his problem. if you are finding it hard then there is no need to try so hard to be his friends or anything. just do what is good for you.

[Anonymous]

I would say don't contact with him anymore. I feel he is selfish, he broke up with you for another women he just met but still wants to keep you as a backup plan, you deserve better and there are so many nice guys out there would love to treat you and only you as a princess, don't waste even 1 minute on someone who doesn't deserve your time. Just walk away from this man regardless his Intention of being friend with you, care about yourself first, he is such an selfish person so he knows how to take good care of himself plus he has a new girl to care about him. As women, we don't really have as much time to waste as men do, get some new clothes, new skin care products, dress nicely, have fun with friends, he has just become your past so let it go. Good luck!

[obligations]

Keep no contact with him. Don't answer anything he contacts you with.

[arashmenalagha]

because don't burn your bridges behind you! you can still be friends, there are no rules what you can and can't do!

[Answereverything]

I know all girls think all guys alive are stupid honey ass holes but believe it or not guys like friendships with girls and with their x gf!

[Grimmies]

Why is it so hard to believe a guy would still want to be friends even though he broke up with your for someone else? Sure. Maybe he wasn't IN LOVE with you anymore. But that doesn't mean he doesn't still love you and care about you.

[Asker]

Because most girls experience something from the man that broke-up with them. No matter what point it is along the rode our past has taught us then when a love lingers there is a reason and usually something happens or something is said to prove contradictory of him wanting just a friendship. Here's a question, what would you tell your current girlfriend if you wanted to remain friends with your ex who was your friend before? Would you stress to her that it's ok?

[Grimmies]

I probably would to be honest. I wouldn't destroy my relationship over it. Unless I'm very good friends with her, and my girlfriend is new. I will never accept an ultimatum when it comes to my friends.

But. I'm not saying all guys want to stay friends for the right reasons. But people can do it. I hope.

[Asker]

Yeah you would like to think he has the right reasons on deck. Maybe he does. I would just think that he'd be a little more in favor of me and the new girl getting used to one another. When I said it was OK he brought her to an event I hosted he never introduced us. He called me the next day worried that bringing her was a bad idea and he how was worried about me. I said you should have introduced us if we are going to be friends. Still yet to officially meet her. *Shrug*

[Grimmies]

Ouch. Yeah. =/

I'm a pretty cynical person. It's kind of hard not to be with people who pull stuff like that, huh?

[Asker]

Very. But your response makes me feel more confident that he's just manthrax and doesn't have my best, or even good interests in mind. Just his. And at the end of the day he is no friend at all.

[Anonymous]

i have an x who I'm now friends with. we had sorta a mutual breakup, so it was easier to become friends afterward. basically we kept a distance for a week or 2 then slowly eased into friendship.

[SlickRicky]

sounds like he actually wants to be friends- consider yourself lucky...

or he's a really good liar

[Asker]

Haha, I do not consider myself lucky regarding him. Pretty sure that girl who married a prince is lucky. My boyfriend who was my best guy friend before dumped me on my ass for another woman. That's luck for sure; especially him wanting to hold onto me not allowing me to move on. /end sarcasm. Him wanting to be in my life does not equate MY luck. Just sayin'.

[SlickRicky]

you can look at it that way- but why be so pessimistic? Real friends are hard to come by these days- I take as many as I can get

[KinkItUp]

i think he probably just misses you and he realized that his best bet is to have you as a friend...

[dutchboy93]

ya either he lover you so much he just wants to be around you, but also loves the other girl so this was he thinks he can have both. or he thinks he can get something

[addiesue]

hes looking for more than friendship. Don't be mean to him just ask for some space and see where it goes from there.

[Nika99]

if he dumped you. yes.

if you dumped him.. NO

[Anonymous]

So you go out of your way to deliberately ignore someones pain and cause them more emotional suffering all because you're too cynical and self absorbed to notice or care how it affects them? I'm pretty cold but that's just ruthless.

[Asker]

You must have missed the part where HE broke up with ME. FOR ANOTHER WOMAN.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah and you've acted motivated by revenge

[Yeahhbro]

yes off course...with benefits.

[TyGirl]

No