My boyfriend spends a lot of money on me, how can I give back?

[Coleen]

I met someone new. He likes me a lot, and has told me I am the one. I am moving into his place next week. I really like him too. I enjoy the time we spend together. We get along really well and I am always laughing. I don't know how much money he makes. He works for himself (only about a couple of hours a day). He spends most of his time working out, boating, golfing, etc.

He takes me out all the time spending A LOT. He is taking me to Hawaii in a month and other places before that. He has paid for my parking tickets, taken me shopping (offered to get me spa days and massages-I haven't take up the offer yet). He wants me to pay off my grad school loans, so he is going to pay all the bills when I move in. He originally offered to pay them off for me. I thought that was crazy and told him no way. I am not used to this. I have worries that he is spending all of his money to "get me," or something equally weird. No one has every treated me this way before.

I haven't asked him outright how much he makes. It makes me nervous. I make decent money. Many of the guys I have gone out with in the past have made less than me. This is a huge change for me.

He also just does so much for me, all the time. He cleans my place while I am showering, brings me the fish he catches on his trips, HE makes ME dinner all the time. He is always happy and positive and seems to get just about anything he wants without even asking (when we are out), etc. He isn't perfect and he does have a little bit of an edge to him (which is fun-- we both do and we can laugh together because of it).

I asked him how I can contribute and he told me I could do the grocery shopping and make him dinner during the week. I plan to do it. This is going to be hard for me though. I work full-time and drive an hour to work and back. I am exhausted when I get home. I hate cooking, and usually don't make much for myself. He loves good food. He eats four course meals all the time and knows a lot more about food than I do. I do thank him all the time and appreciate him tremendously. I give him lots of love and kisses, etc. I talk to him and listen to him. I care a lot about him. I just feel inadequate. Also, his birthday is next month (right after mine--he is taking me out of town for mine-- right before our hawaii trip). I am making him a quilt (hahahaha). Obviously I want to do more than that. I will spend my money on him, but with all the money he is spending on me it just seems like I can't compare.

What else can I do for him? What kinds of things can I do show appreciation? He won't let me pay, and even when ask about costs, he won't tell me. I would not be doing any of this with him if I didn't care a lot for him (I am definitely falling for him). Things are getting very serious between us. I guess I am getting scared... and like I said, I never really cook (hahahaha)... suggestions?

[HandsomeRaj]

There are many things involved here.

1. You have met him recently did you say? (you said you met someone new)

2. He's a lucky guy who's making money fast and good enough to have time too (dream for most people not just men)

3. Such a guy generally is tension free cause he's probably all paid up on mortgages etc

4. He seems to be a nice guy alright with all the things he does for you (I was that way when I had tons of money, I'd do dishes and work for those I like too). But if he's earning money the legit way it's good. You need some know how on that w/o getting too nosy thus invading his privacy.

5. He's spending today but is he secure for tomorrow? You require info on that too.

6. If this is a recent development (you meeting him) then you need to watchout for changes in behavior (god forbid if it happens) over a period of time if you guys last out that long.

7. Don't let him pay your loans and / or mortgages or do extra things like getting you too much stuff that you can't pay back. Just in case there's a rider here. Normal and nominal things are ok.

8. ANY woman would fall for such a man (ask me, I know)

9. Don't suffocate, restrict etc yourself too much but if you guys want a future get to know relevant things about each other.

[Coleen]

Thank you. Yes, he is a worry free man. He doesn't have any loans or owe money to anyone. He works for himself and it is legit. He usually only puts in a small amount of time as well. The rest of the day is free, so he does a lot of things for others. I won't let him pay for my student loans. Those are mine, but he is going to be paying all my bills (I am moving in with him), so I can pay off my loans. I make decent money. I do want to find out how much he really does make. I am not sure how to?

[HandsomeRaj]

Glad could be of assistance :)

'I'd normally say don't bother about how he makes his money as long as he is a nice guy & keeps you happy' but if you can without snooping around, invading his privacy and spoiling your relationship; it always helps 2 know if the income's legit cause if there's something illegit about it ever then u'll be sucked in 2.

Don't let that bother you much though, just keep a look out without bothering either of u. I know tons of people who earn good money w/o 2 much hard work

[prophecy]

" I have worries that he is spending all of his money to "get me," or something equally weird" - so for how long you know this guy? I mean, you say "met someone new" and then you're already talking about moving in?

now, in general about the money; I make a good living, and I like to pay for stuff, all of it - of course while being in a serious relationship if I'm just dating I'm not so generous.

i mean, I can't really give you the answer you would probably like to get (some really specific things) all I can say is this: just be nice, honest, loyal and giving - if you know what I mean. if you wanna top it off, do things that he hates to do or doesn't have time to do them; you already know about some of them (grocery shopping/cooking).

that really is it. that's all we men need and want. if you can provide these things the money factor is completely irrelevant and you shouldn't be worried about that and you shouldn't feel inadequate.

you're obviously used to date guys that don't make a lot of money (or even less than you) and in those cases money is a relatively important factor, but in this case, just forget about it.

[Coleen]

Yes. I am not used to someone spending so much on me, let alone doing so much for me. He is genuine about everything. We have already had some very serious discussions. Things are moving faster than normal, but I am not worried about that. I appreciate the advice. I need to know that this is what guys will do. As mentioned, I am used to being taken out, but not having someone pay for all my living expenses, etc. Thanks again.

[prophecy]

p1

yeah, that's how it usually is. I have friends who are doing well also and they all do it.

it's simple: if I'm living a better lifestyle why wouldn't I share that with someone I care about? I wanna do that, it makes *me* happy that I can do that, and if that means paying off the loans for example so be it. this is just natural. I want to eliminate any financial concerns she might have so she can be 100% focused on living and enjoying life.

[prophecy]

p2

and I would add something;

don't say no. if he wants to spend some cash on you, don't say no. I hate that. I'm buying you something because *I want* so. not because I feel the need to impress you with 2k shoes, 4k bag or 20k dress, but because *I want* you to feel good and beautiful and *I want* to be impressed by you wearing that stuff.

[prophecy]

p3

just say "thank you very much" and give him a kiss. that's it. you don't need to do some big stuff in return just be nice to him.

the only time you should say no is if you two have a fight and he wants to solve that problem with money. then you should say no - I'm not saying that he will do that, but some guys do. and if this happens it will happen just once, next time he will know better.

[Coleen]

Thank you again. I appreciate your answers.

[wan65]

I wish you happiness in your new boyfriend ... good luck ..

[Coleen]

suggestions ? :-)

[wan65]

See the following suggestion ... he do what he says have a good time with him .. :=)