Girlfriend cheated with the same guy for about 18 months

Hi, comments and thoughts appreciated. I am a 27 year old guy, and been with my girlfriend for 5.5 years. I have just found out that my girlfriend has been cheating on me with the same guy for about 18 months. I got a bit suspicious as we had stopped having sex, but she told me it was due to work stresses etc, and that was just how she felt. I got upset because I felt like I was pressuring her. I knew she had been spending a lot of time with this guy, who she told me was just a friend - and I once asked her if she had any feelings for him and she said absolutely not, which clearly led to much guilt on my part for not trusting her.

Anyway, I found out from another source very recently that she has been lying to me all this time, whilst we have continued to be in a happy relationship during this time (minus the sex), for example we have still been living together, going on holidays together and we still kiss, sleep in the same bed and spend a lot of time with each other.

However, I now know that she has been lying to me about where she has been going at weekends and evenings, in order to go away with him and/or go over to his flat.

After I confronted her, I said that I needed total honesty or it was over, and I asked her clearly if she had been seeing him. She said no again, until I told her what I knew! She then admitted she has been sleeping with him and seeing him for this long.

Anyway, she says she still loves me, and she is not sure what her feelings are for him. She has been through a tough time at work, I have been difficult at times, and her parents got divorced which certainly impacted on her general happiness.

I know it is not an excuse, and she knows that too. At the moment we are having a total break, but I have told her what I need her to do is be honest and tell me what her thoughts are.

Even if there is willingness and love on both sides, is there any way to rebuild trust when this sort of thing happens? I am a very strong person mentally, but I just don't know how hard it would be to put all of this behind us and how long it would take, versus how long it would take to get over her. I also know that if there is any chance she is going to have to tell me all of the details of this thing, which will be painful, but I feel like I need to know for sure so that I am not speculating in my head about exactly what happened and when.

I am just so shocked by the whole thing because when you have known someone for so long you think you know there character really well, and this sort of thing really does come out of left field.

At the moment, I found out only 2 days ago, I just feel so angry - and to be honest I feel like all I want to do is to delete the last 2 years of my life mentally (up to the point she started cheating), and remember only the good times.

I guess this is my other worry at the moment, because I feel like after all this time and not knowing the other person it is going to be so hard to ever trust someone else.

Thanks people, all good opinions. As you probably will guess I know what I am going to do, but interesting to see what other people's views are on it.

The other thing I am wondering is whether I should tell my parents, our friends etc the reason why we broke up. On the one hand, I want them to know how sh*t she has been and that it was nothing to do with me, on the other I don't want undue fuss from mates about how I am feeling.


Most Helpful Girl

  • 1. She doesn't love you. Sorry.

    It also sounds like she doesn't have much of a conscience. Keeping up that kind of ruse for so long takes a lot of work... And requires a lot of thinking. She knew what she was doing.

    18 months? I'm sorry, but any trust or faith I had in that person would be GONE, SHATTERED and there would be NO chance of repair. In my opinion, it's not worth trying to put behind you in an attempt to salvage the relationship.

    If someone can do this to you after 5 1/2 years, then they clearly don't care as much as they say they do/you think they do. And you don't know her as well as you thought you did.

    Don't sacrifice your future happiness because you have history with a cheating girl. Make new memories with someone who loves you and won't betray your trust. You will love again, I promise. My first boyfriend cheated on me for over half of our almost 2 year relationship, and I've been able to date again just fine.

    The hurt will go away. You just have to move forward.

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      Cheers, great comment.

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      I'm sorry for what you're going through. I know it isn't easy.

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      MY TAKE ...QUOTE FROM OP'S POST : she says she still loves me, and she is not sure what her feelings are for him.. REALLY AFTER 18 MONTHS IT SEEMS SOMEONE WOULD HAVE AT LEAST AN INKLING WOULDN'T THEY... AS TO FEELINGS FOR ANOTHER GUY OR NOT...