Hi, comments and thoughts appreciated. I am a 27 year old guy, and been with my girlfriend for 5.5 years. I have just found out that my girlfriend...
Hi, comments and thoughts appreciated. I am a 27 year old guy, and been with my girlfriend for 5.5 years. I have just found out that my girlfriend has been cheating on me with the same guy for about 18 months. I got a bit suspicious as we had stopped having sex, but she told me it was due to work stresses etc, and that was just how she felt. I got upset because I felt like I was pressuring her. I knew she had been spending a lot of time with this guy, who she told me was just a friend - and I once asked her if she had any feelings for him and she said absolutely not, which clearly led to much guilt on my part for not trusting her.
Anyway, I found out from another source very recently that she has been lying to me all this time, whilst we have continued to be in a happy relationship during this time (minus the sex), for example we have still been living together, going on holidays together and we still kiss, sleep in the same bed and spend a lot of time with each other.
However, I now know that she has been lying to me about where she has been going at weekends and evenings, in order to go away with him and/or go over to his flat.
After I confronted her, I said that I needed total honesty or it was over, and I asked her clearly if she had been seeing him. She said no again, until I told her what I knew! She then admitted she has been sleeping with him and seeing him for this long.
Anyway, she says she still loves me, and she is not sure what her feelings are for him. She has been through a tough time at work, I have been difficult at times, and her parents got divorced which certainly impacted on her general happiness.
I know it is not an excuse, and she knows that too. At the moment we are having a total break, but I have told her what I need her to do is be honest and tell me what her thoughts are.
Even if there is willingness and love on both sides, is there any way to rebuild trust when this sort of thing happens? I am a very strong person mentally, but I just don't know how hard it would be to put all of this behind us and how long it would take, versus how long it would take to get over her. I also know that if there is any chance she is going to have to tell me all of the details of this thing, which will be painful, but I feel like I need to know for sure so that I am not speculating in my head about exactly what happened and when.
I am just so shocked by the whole thing because when you have known someone for so long you think you know there character really well, and this sort of thing really does come out of left field.
At the moment, I found out only 2 days ago, I just feel so angry - and to be honest I feel like all I want to do is to delete the last 2 years of my life mentally (up to the point she started cheating), and remember only the good times.
I guess this is my other worry at the moment, because I feel like after all this time and not knowing the other person it is going to be so hard to ever trust someone else.
Thanks people, all good opinions. As you probably will guess I know what I am going to do, but interesting to see what other people's views are on it.
The other thing I am wondering is whether I should tell my parents, our friends etc the reason why we broke up. On the one hand, I want them to know how sh*t she has been and that it was nothing to do with me, on the other I don't want undue fuss from mates about how I am feeling.
It also sounds like she doesn't have much of a conscience. Keeping up that kind of ruse for so long takes a lot of work... And requires a lot of thinking. She knew what she was doing.
18 months? I'm sorry, but any trust or faith I had in that person would be GONE, SHATTERED and there would be NO chance of repair. In my opinion, it's not worth trying to put behind you in an attempt to salvage the relationship.
If someone can do this to you after 5 1/2 years, then they clearly don't care as much as they say they do/you think they do. And you don't know her as well as you thought you did.
Don't sacrifice your future happiness because you have history with a cheating girl. Make new memories with someone who loves you and won't betray your trust. You will love again, I promise. My first boyfriend cheated on me for over half of our almost 2 year relationship, and I've been able to date again just fine.
The hurt will go away. You just have to move forward.
If it was a one time incident, like a drunk hookup that she regretted and felt really bad about, then MAYBE you guys would have a good chance to rebuild. But for her to have done this behind your back for 18 months is unforgivable in my book. I'm almost impressed that she was able to maintain 2 separate relationships for that long. And like the others said, she's destroyed the trust in the relationship. Even if you guys do try to work things out, you're going to be haunted by this and will constantly worry about where she's going and who she's with when she's not with you. As hard as it will be, I think you need to let this girl go.
3. she doesn't deserve another chance EVER. she can do it again!
4. she will lie over and over.
5. it will be hard to get over this and re build the trust that has been broken by lies.
you might say you still love her but think about you. is it really worth it to go through it again? you may have forgiven her but do you think you can trust her again? I've been through this and I did not give my ex another chance after I found out. 18 months?
even if you will forgive her, your relationship will not be the same anymore, you will always quarrel because of trust issues that will eventually most likely ruin your relationship in the end. I can understand she is confused but 18 months and she is still unsure of her feelings? come on! and if you did not found out who knows how long she will continue cheating on you? do yourself a favor don't ever give your relationship a chance again, you wasted 5 years of life and that's enough for that kind of girl.. I know easier said than done and it wouldn't be easy to forget her cause you have learned to live your life that she is beside you but that's the best thing you can do. for now all you can do is to just move forward, little by little you will eventually move on and hopefully you can find someone else to trust again and be more clever perhaps next time?.. :)
ITS ALSO PROBABLE THIS OTHER GUY KNOWS NOTHING OF YOU AS WELL (THIS TO THE OP) SHE'S HIDDEN THIS OTHER RELATIONSHIP FOR 18 MONTHS AND CLAIMS TO STILL LOVE YOU AND NOT SURE OF THE OM ... 18 MONTHS IS A LONG TIME TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP AND NOT KNOW.. BELEIVE ME SHE KNOWS ... MAYBE IF YOU KNOW WHERE THIS GUY LIVES MAYBE YOU SHOULD DROP BY HIS FLAT... A GOOD WAY TO SEE IF HE KNOWS ABOUT YOU IS IF HE ACTS NERVOUS AROUND YOU OR IF HE ACTS LIKE HE DOESN'T KNOW YOU AND ISN'T ADJITATED BY YOUR PRESNCE IN HIS FLAT. IF THE 2ND THEN AS SAID HE MAY NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT YOU AND SHE'S PLAYING BOTH OF YOU... MY THINKING IS YOUR GIVING HER SOMETHING THAT THE OM ISN'T AND HE'S GIVING HER SOMETHING (THE SEX) THAT SEEMS TO HAVE DWENDLED TO NOTHING WITH YOU...
DON'T DO ANYTHING PHYSICAL TO HIM BUT ON MEETING WITH HIM SEE IF HE DOES KNOW YOU OR NOT.. IF NOT THEN APPROACH HIM WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR Girlfriend AND HOW LONG .. IF HE GETS UPSET AT HER FOR HER DUPLICITY YOU'LL KNOW HE IS BEING PLAYED... IF HE GETS BELIGERANT AND STARTS BRAGGING WHAT HE'S DONE THEN YOU KNOW THAT AS WELL...
THEN EXPOSE HER AND HIM TO THEIR FRIENDS AND FAMILY AS TO WHAT THEY'VE DONE (ONLY IF THE OM IS BELIGERANT) VIA FACEBOOK IF EITHER HAS AN ACCT.
SHOW PICS OF YOU AND HER TOGETHER (IF YOU HAVE ANY) FIND OUT IF EITHER HAVE PICS ON THEIR ACCTS OF EACH OTHER TYPE OF COMMENTS MADE IF ANY ...
SHE MAY NOT LIKE IT AND MAY EVEN GET ANGRY ...EXPOSURE HAS A WAY OF BRING DARK SECRETS TO LIGHT . SOME MAY DISAGREE WITH ME ON THIS YET IT IS A PROVEN WAY TO END AND PREVENT FUTURE CHEATING .. IF OTHERS KNOW WHATS SHE'S LIKE THEY MAY NOT WANT TO HAVE MUCH TO DO WITH HER... THEN AGAIN IT ALSO SHOWS BY WHAT SHE'S DONE TO BE AN EASY LAY SO GUYS MAY DO WHAT SOME NOT SO NICE GUYS DO...
THINK ABOUT WHAT THE OTHERS HAS POSTED ON HERE BECAUSE HER ACTIONS ARE DEPLORABLE AND UNEXCUSABLE
People are different, and learn from this experience. Don't categorize every person in the same way. It will destroy you in the end.
That being said, unless the other man is sharing in paying some of your bills - rent,food, etc - ask her nicely to GTFO.
Seriously - she lied to you over and over until your got her. If you didn't she would have still lied to you. And the man she has been with for over 5 yrs(that would be you) is cut off emotionally and sexually all this time.
Don't ask for any details. Do you want to drive the stake farther in you heart? Stop looking for excuses why she did what she did. Its Over!
She doesn't care about you! Simple. Pack up her crap, pack her bags, change the locks and leave a note for the other guy - WRITE - "NOW SHE IS NOW YOUR PROBLEM - GOOD LUCK. AND ONE MORE THING - SAVE THIS NOTE FOR THE NEXT GUY YOU WILL NEED TO GIVE THIS TOO"
Good Luck and Walk away with your dignity!
And NEVER EVER EVER Take her back after her fling is over and she says she misses you.
You're going to try and rationalize the situation and come up with excuses, pardon her for her crimes, down play the damage she's done. You'll try anything and everything to find a fix. You'll end up getting frustrated and distant. She will then get angry with you. She's going to try and put off some of the blame and say you influenced her choice.
And then everything is going to fall to sh*t. Sorry.
A one time thing with someone cheating would very hard to regain trust, and I'm not sure I could. For 18 months? That's almost impossible for me to. That's living a whole different lifestyle, rife with lies and deceit. That's not love. You don't do something like that to someone you love.
I'm truly worried about you man. I nearly picked up my monitor and threw it against the wall when I read you told her she needed to be honest with you or its over. Are you kidding me? You need to get ticked off...and leave this user loser forever!
To be honest, a real man would not put up with this BS.