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My girlfriend keeps gaining weight. I don't know how to help her

My girlfriend and I have a beautiful child together. We been through a lot of ups and downs on our relationship but at the end of the day always have... Show More

Most Helpful Opinion

  • I understand that this is a very delicate situation for you. Here are a few guidelines from a woman's perspective.

    Never, EVER metion her weight! Like, NEVER! This is the golden rule.

    There is only one exception to this rule, and that is that you are allowed to comment ONLY when she asks. Here is how to do it without getting your head ripped off!

    If she says something like "I'm getting fat", "I feel crappy", "My jeans don't fit anymore", etc, here's how to proceed...

    Woman: "Wow, these jeans never used to fit this snug. I'm getting fat!"

    Man: "No, you're gorgeous, babe. But you know what, I've been feeling pretty crappy myself lately. (White lie here.) Why don't we start eating a little better? It would be so much easier with your help!"

    See what MAN just did here? He convinced WOMAN to eat healthier without making her feel bad about her appearance, and made it sound like it was her idea. Here's another example.

    Woman: "I hate this dress. It makes me look fat!"

    Man: "You're not fat, honey. You're beautiful! Why, have you been feeling a little different lately?"

    Woman: "Well, sort of. I can't get all of this weight off!"

    Man: "Well frankly, I've been feeling a little crappy myself without soccer. Is there anything like that that you'd ever be interesting in taking? I hear bellydancing is pretty fun."

    Basically, you want to suggest healthy choices in a non-judgemental way. Also, condition her to feel good after doing healthy things by "rewarding" her. When she comes home from her dance class, ask her to do a sexy striptease for you. When she cooks a healthy meal, tell her how awesome it tastes. And go for walks together (or do another healthy activity) and enjoy your bonding time. This will show her that healthy lifestyle choices can be FUN!

    Good luck!

    • Beautiful answer :) You sound like an excellent communictor!

    • jan jan has this broken down to a science.

      she can read people like a book haha

    • A degree in psych opens your eyes to a lot of things! Just don't use your power for evil. :P

What Girls Said 38

  • She's right, you are a d***. She had a kid, for God's sake. Of course she's put on extra weight. Let her rest for a while and wait until she's ready to get back in shape. You should not be forcing her.

    And really? It's BS that you should love her no matter what she weighs? That's actually pretty sick. Poor thing had to dedicate herself to you.

    • Red Smartie, you don't even know how long ago it was that she had the kid yet you are so quick to crusify him and call him names. Is that just because you have some excess weight and this answer makes you feel bad if some guy you ever cared for felt this way about you?

    • Show Older
    • Not only that, but he never mentioned them being married. Why are you pulling all of this dramatic, over sensitive bs out of your ass?

      Excess fat is often unattractive. He's not a jerk for being open and honest about that.

    • Just because you have kids doesn't mean you have an excuse to eat any way you want ... She could at least try... he's a parent, too.

  • More than likely, she is having personal self esteem issues, which is normal after gaini g a lot of weight post pregnancy.

    The thing is, if she was never really an active person before the kids, it's not like she would suddenly become active now. Some people have always been thin and have to learn a whole new way of living when we can no longer just stuff out faces.

    This is definitely a sticky situation and I can understand her thought process that you should love her unconditionally, but if she's no longer the woman you fell in love with, then it doesn't apply does it? Life does take it toll on all of us, but we should be doing out best to put our best foot forward. Sometimes we get stuck in a rut though and need a tow truck to carefully and skillfully pull us out. Being told I no longer find you attractive only makes a bad situation worst. Dragging her along to work outs won't work either because its a mental thing. She's not feeling good about herself so it doesn't matter how much you try to motivate her. So you need a different approach.

    I know it seems counter productive, but you need to make her feel sexy. The problem probably started even before the babies, while she was pregnant. Feeling like a blimp all those months and having a hard time getting rid of the baby weight can take its toll.

    In my situation , my husband always made me feel desirable even when I was a blimp. I gained 30 pounds and he was still slapping my butt and trying to get in my pants. As soon as I could, I worked on trying to look my best for him.

    Are you making her feel sexy or are you reminding her how unattractive she is? Kids are exhausting and drains energy. The only thing that would motivate her into action would be the desire to get back to her old self. You have to remind her of that part of herself by being that supportive husband that seemingly loves her unconditionally. Start smacking her butt, give a compliment, and take her out to do fun things. That last one is crucial. When she wants to get dolled up and can't fit anything that will be a great motivator.

    So be supportive, not her personal trainer. Show her that she is still worthy of your love and she'll find her way back in time.

  • You have to take this very delicately. Obviously you love her either way because you're still with her, but if she thinks that it's okay to be overweight (which I don't think she does because she gets offended when you bring it up) you would have a problem.

    What I would suggest you do is walk together with the baby as a family (at least it's better than sitting on the couch) everyday that way you're not focusing on the "we're doing this because you're fat" and maybe you should take control of the grocery shopping and cooking since she's not making the right food choices. Such as, make her a healthy steak dinner with a side salad (obviously for you too) That way it looks like a romantic gesture and you're helping her at the same time.

    Women being overweight after a baby is a really touchy subject so do you're best to keep your cool.

  • sorry she's sloppy.. I feel like it's selfish to let yourself go in a relationship and expect your partner to see you the same way fat... I feel less attractive if I put on 5lbs granted I've never had a child but I would never want to smoke or eat fast food around a child, your setting a horrible example. Make a rule with her and tell you that these changes HAVE to happen for your child.. Tell her that you want him to have healthy habits as he grows up and that your going to sign up for a few 5k runs and maybe she can sign up to or at least support you on this.

  • I think she's being selfish and possibly lazy. If she has other things going on mentally or something, then I understand her side but otherwise, she's being selfish. No one is obligated to stay attracted to someone no matter what ... Just tell her how you truly feel, be sweet but honest...

  • I think you need to start small, no one can change over night, esspecially if you are feeling pressured to do so. I also think you should maybe cater your comments to be more positive. A women who has a baby feels really unattractive much of the time, her body went thorough a lot of trauma, she's feeling vulnerable, and the last thing she wants to think is that her partner finds her unattractive. I think if you make your comments more "I'm concerned about your health" and less "I'm not attracted to you" you might get better results. Plus, women who have just had a baby should not jump into super intense excercise, it's actually dangerous for her body, which is still healing from child birth. Here are some ideas that you could do. I know they aren't much, but (pun intended), it starts with baby steps:

    -cooking a nutrious meal or taking a cooking class together

    -going on a walk after dinner with the baby

    -just you and her going to the park and playing soccer

    -sex is a great calorie burner!

    There are tons of things to do, just get creative!

  • This is a difficult one. I understand your predicament and that you are trying to 'help' your girlfriend because you are concerned. And also that she keeps complaining and doesn't do anything. That sounds really annoying and totally reminds me of me lol.

    From personal experience, I had gained weight last year, was moody and when my boyfriend came up to me about it, of course like any other girl who is constantly paranoid about her appearance, I got angry at him. I felt more insecure. We had a deep talk about it and I was still stubborn. He left it and did his own thing. It took me a while to join him in his walks but I eventually did. If he kept nagging me or pushing me about it I don't think I would've joined. I've lost some weight now but I'm glad he didn't push me, because...I am quite stubborn and unenthusiastic lol. I feel guilty for my bratty attitude but at least I did something.

    Either have a talk with her and I mean a PROPER talk, tell her in no way do you mean to offend her, you love her and are concerned, but if she could just you know make adjustments, they don't have to be extreme, maybe evening strolls twice a week? You have to be very careful in what you say because I feel she is already insecure about her weight and she is just expecting you to let her be that way.

    If she does not want any help and is assertive in what she prefers then you should leave her and let her make the choice for herself, you don't want to push it too much or else she won't do it ever and it will bring up more unnecessary arguments. If she doesn't want to listen then just focus on your own workout and let her be, til she changes her mind. You can only do so much. Hope it goes well.

  • Maybe its not the weight she ganied, what makes her less attractive, maybe it is her attitude towards her body and the way she handle this as well. No doubt she feels unconfortable and I can understand that it is hard to get motivation back. But why don't you cook together, if you want to try to change her eating habits. I think it is necessary to wake her interest in activity in general again: You don't have necessarily to start with sports, just go for a walk, with your child to the zoo or something like that- just anything to escape from just sitting around.

  • Losing weight after a baby is hard especially with the diet she is on. I recommend maybe getting her to do some light excercise together...something like YOGA...! You guys should do it together...it makes you more flexible and is good for sex ;) lol

    Please help me and answer my question?

  • Keep being her friend and don't critize he; I'm sure she awares that she overweight. But keep encourage to lose weight if that's what's she wants to do.

  • You could also try sexcercise.

  • Throw out all the junk food, insist on doing all the grocery shopping, and only buy fruits, vegetables, and protein. Absolutely no carbs, as she will consume them immediately. No sodas either. If she complains, say that you are trying to be healthy and stay in shape, and if you have it in the house you will be too tempted. Unfortunately she seems to have zero motivation, so if you want her to change, you really have to work at it. For the fast food, I would research the food cravings chart and show it to her. It's actually really cool. As for ciggis, make a rule that it can't happen in the house, car, or near the baby (you can lay the guilt on heavily with this one, doesn't she give a rat's behind about your child's health? Second hand smoke is a major issue). Or you could just go to a beach with her, and make her realize how bad she looks compared to everyone else (subliminally,don't point to another girl and say "now if you looked like that, I'd be all over you"). Girls are crazy, and you need to tread carefully when critiquing absolutely anything about them.

    • Really? A downvote?

  • Sounds like she needs a whole lifestyle change.

  • Well, in this case, I'd really say that coming at this from the angle of being a concerned parent would be a lot better received than from an angle of how her current weight is unattractive to you. Remind her that you love her and your child, and that's why you're concerned.

    For one, kids do tend to pick up their parents' habits and an unhealthy diet is likely to negatively impact a child's physical and mental development. For another, it would be fun to bond as a family over some work outs; it would reinforce health and fitness as part of your child's lifestyle, for life. Lastly, every child deserves healthy parents they can look up to. Bad diets and smoking can shorten lifespans; if not for herself, encourage her to change for your child.

    Don't forget to compliment her when she does something good, be it just eating a salad for lunch or walking instead of driving!

  • i think what you should do is tell her you do love her and that its because you love her that you are scared for her health and that you don't want to lose her early in life due to the health implications of her lifestyle

  • Well, I always like to reverse the situation. What if you watched the baby and gave he time to herself, let her know you want her to have some time to just treat herself right. Sometimes after having a baby men forget that we need to have some time to ourselves too. Perhaps her taking a nice long day to herself she will realize that once a week she does want to spend that time back in the gym.. Or you could even do something together. Get a babysitter and have a high energy date like hiking or taking a bike ride or just work out at home together. Just let her know that regardless you love who she is and the beautiful life you brought into the world- and then maybe you can see its not the outside that really matters its who she is that should attract you to her the most.

  • walking is great exercise, so is swimming. Fast food never helps anyone. Offer to get healthy together. Fast food will make you feel lowsy as fruit and healthy stuff wont.

  • I am pregnant with twins so I kno what she is feeling its really hard... Just don't push her to do the "hard" stuff Imma health fanatic and I couldn't picture it... So take her out on walks or go to the mall go on bike rides, the fun stuff that will get her goin... Better yet find a babysitter and take her dancin

  • Look I hate ladies who make an excuse when they have a baby. You should see my mum and my cousins who have kids... they are absolute milfs. They don't shove doughnuts down their mouths and you can always excercise. Like for example put your baby in a pram and walk really fast. Or do some housework. That burns off calories. I think you should ask her to come for a walk with you and just power walk together. Maybe you should also suggest eating plans and just tell her that you love her in any way possible but you are just worried about her health. I don't think you are being a d*** at all. I wouldn't want a partner who looks like a jumping castle.

    • agree

      having babies is not to be blame for weight gain. being so busy with babies, I lost all the weight.

      also, it seem to me it's more of her way of living

    • There ya go! I am so glad someone agrees with me!

  • I agree with you.

    Many girls do this and I can see how, as a guy, it would be frustrating. Many grils complain about their weight, yet they eat unhealthy foods and make no real effort to lose the weight. I don't think you're being a d***, I think she's just getting defensive because it's a sensitive topic for her and she doesn't like you reminding her that her weight is sloppy. It's especially annoying if and when girls have these high physical standards for guy yet don't meet high physical standards themself.

  • a few of my friends had some babies recently - all still struggling to lose the weight. whenever I bring it up they go into snooze mode yet they complain about the weight gain and all. I was able to interest them with dance classes (striptease and belly dance classes). maybe you can ask one of her friends to join her or something :)

    • tell them to give themselves at least a yr. to two yrs. and use the proper way to lose weight.

      took me 3 1/2 and it is staying down...lol I didn't even excersice...if I am more active would have prob. lost more

  • Maybe you could try to explain that living a more healthier lifestyle is better for y'alls CHILD.. I have a one year old.. went from 125 to 175 ( at 5'9'') while I was pregnant. It felt like it took FOREVER to lose the weight.. my hubby, however, was completely fine with it. He was so caring and understanding.. I cut back the calories, fat, and carbs, walked or jogged with baby in jogging stroller, and now I am back to a healthy 130. I knew that if it were up to my hubby, he wouldn't mind either way, as long as I'm still me.. I did it for my daughter. She is the one I want to grow old for, see her get married and have babies, etc. Maybe if you try that approach in a super caring demeanor, she will look at your concerns from a different stand point. Good luck.

  • how much does she weigh? What is her height?

  • Make it a game. Join a league together

  • It's really hard to get her to buy into this, especially if she doesn't seem motivated. She really has to want this in order for her to make a change.

    It might be more effective though, to bring up the fact that she needs to be a good role model for your child. Children pick up habits from their parents, and she should be modelling good healthy habits.

    Also, refuse to let sodas and junk into the house. Make that a rule in the house. I found that having crap around the house makes it easier to indulge. So instead, I only keep good foods around. Furthermore, to ensure that I always have something healthy to make, I keep some extra non-perishable food around the house, like canned beans, tuna, etc... That way there is no excuse to go out and get fast food.

    Plan out meals ahead of time. Cook extra on the weekends and freeze for those nights that are going to be hectic. Keep cooked frozen chicken on hand, cook it on the weekend, slice it up, then put in a freezer bag to add to meals when you don't want to cook.

    Keep veggies on hand, chop up on the weekend to prepare for the week.

    It's going to be hard to get her to give into this. Maybe plan out a vacation or a trip to the beach in the summer? That might make her want to workout?

  • okay but...if you DONT love her regardless of her size, and you think its b.s., then why are you with her? that doesn't make sense. if its that big a deal for you, you could just leave. shell be hurt, but id rather be with someone who wasn't killing themselves to look at me, wouldn't you? some men genuinely don't care, others do. it doesn't make you a bad person, but maybe you two shouldn't be together. I don't think its psychologically healthy to be involved with someone who has negative view of your own body and you can pick up on that. its negative reinforcement for health - the incentive becomes not a matter of health, but an issue of negative body image because you feel less desired.

    i don't think you should be trying to change anyone but yourself. maybe if she sees you doing it (and not just talking...) she may be more motivated. if not, there's nothing you can really do or should do. this should be a decision she makes for herself.

  • Try to make small steps. She's probaby tired and overwhelmed with a new baby and turns to soda and junk food for a quick energy fix. Help her find more nutritious foods that she likes that will actually give her energy. Offer to cook evening meals every other night so you can introduce her to some new foods. Be sensitive to WHY she's reaching for an unhealthy lifestyle ...

    Being a woman kinda sucks, as guys are more visual and tolerate less weight gain in their partner than we do, and also that we can only eat 1200-1500 calories without putting on weight. Also, testosterone gives guys a bunch more energy. Realize that staying fit is a harder battle for females, but convince her that she needs to put in effort to stay healthy. You're not a d*** ... it's just one of those things that is a fact of life that can be irritating.

    Here are a few ideas: Remind her that her bad habits are ones your child is going to pick up. Also, remind her that fast food and soda are a waste of money. Keep a jar on the kitchen counter, for example, that she puts a dollar into every time she craves a soda and doesn't get one. Brew some green tea instead, so she can ease off of it without caffiene headaches. Get those "Eat This, Not That Books. " Get her excited about her sexuality again. A lot of how a woman feels about her body is tied to how she feels about her sexuality... If she feels like her body is just a tool for baby, she's not going to put emphasis on looking good. Start being playful with her, touch her even if it doesn't lead to sex, give her some time to herself to take a bath and do all of those girlie things. Get a sitter every other week and go on a fun date. Also, make sure she has some time for friends and all that. You are out three times a week with a new child in the house. What does she get to do for fun? Etc.

    Also, women reailze how fragile men's love really is. It's a sensitive subject to us...but most of us know it. Men cannot love their partner without intense sexual arousal...and the more potential partners he has, the more her resents her not measuring up to them. We resent that men don't bond over emotional support, but at the end of the day, she has to realize that it's just how it goes. But try to be sensitive. Knowing your partner will leave you if you don't accomplish something can be psychologically tough.

  • She might be depressed about something and just not working through the problem properly. Even if she doesn't overeat, there are hormones that work against our metabolic function and cause us to hold on to weight.

    (1) Work out for one hour every other day or 30 minutes daily.

    (2) Drink 12-16 glasses of water.

    (3) Yoga/Meditation exercises.

    (4) Don't bombard each other with stressful issues. Make a list and tackle one at a time.

    (5) No pasta or yeasty; focus on brown rice and flat bread.

    (6) Low-fat dairy only. Yogurt. No massive quantities of cheese, which cause bloating.

    (7) White meats only. Lean meats only. MORE FISH.

    (8) Fresh fruits, not juice.

    (9) Ditch all sugary drinks and snacks -- including bogus "energy drinks" and "diet" soda. They all convert to fat.

    (10) Love her no matter what she looks like. Positive body image starts now, regardless of stretch marks or jelly belly, not when she's lean and twiggy. Many women achieve their goal of being thin and yet still feel lonely and unloved, retaining a negative body image regardless of how good they actually look.

    (11) Encourage ONE DAY of bingeing per week. If you deprive yourself of everything permanently you don't actually learn how to manage your desires/cravings. I do "chocolate Wednesdays" because that's the most stressful day of my week. Other people do "milkshake Tuesdays" or whatever. It's the same concept, different day, lol. Just don't go crazy with the binge -- one tablet of chocolate or one slice of chocolate cake, not a carton of entenmann's...

  • U two are not compatible nor does she wants a better health for herself. It will only get worse, she will not change based on what you said. I would dump her, otherwise you will start to resent her and be very unhappy. Sorry about this but, it is what it is. Good luck.

    I have kids too. And having kids doesn't make you fat. And yes, the Babbitt is terrible. I will never be able to live with some like that.

    • This is a problem that can be worked out. Tossing the person aside without even trying is a very bad way to go about life in my opinion and is a bit immature.

    • he tried all diff. things with her and set examples for her. she is just not that type to care about health and all. otherwise, she would have done it. these are individual habits from young. he said she has been smoking for a long time.

      what I gave is an honest answer, but, no one wants to hear the truth. I am actually surprised I only got three down votes.

      those who doesn't face the reality are living in a bubble.

  • have you tried getting her to do excersize(sorry sp?) not in the gym? like try to go on walks every day after dinnertime, it'll be nice and refreshing to get outside and it's something you and her, and the baby in the carriage, can do. Or go for bike rides, hiking. Also try to make her feel guilty for the cigarette smoking and the soda and fast food. because she KNOWS that those things aren't healthy, so try to make her feel bad for bringing those things into the life of your child. tell her you love HER and that you don't expect her to be perfect, I mean she did have a baby, but you do want her to simply be healthy!

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What Guys Said 4

  • Rather than telling her to lose weight maybe you should tell her to stop eating junk food and soda, those stuffs are baaad. Tell her that you love her and want to be with her for a long time so you don't want to see her health deteriorate and all those bad habits are bound to bring health problems sooner or later.

  • Wtf! Dude she is right, do you love her, or the meat?

    Chances are she is comfort eating (google it)

    She could also be suffering from a degree of depression (common after child birth and eating more can be a symptom, see above)

    Btw do you know you burn calories kissing?

    Try kissing her to skinniness,

  • As an unlicensed doctor (not even close) , I would recommend lots of s*x and make her do most of the work. She'll burn a lot of calories that way.

  • The girls here are going to say you should love her unconditionally.

    I would say to them, let's see your boyfriends smack you all around a bit and watch how long that "unconditional love" lasts.

    Tell her if she doesn't start making a visible effort to regain her health you're breaking up with her.

    Cold, but that's the only thing that's going to work, plain and simple.

    • I love how three people downrated me because "I'm mean" but they're unable to provide any counter argument.

    • I think it is a little cold, but I understand your point as a man. Men cannot understand what it feels like to have your body go through a complete 180 in less than a year to have a child, and then have your partner, the father of your child, to say "you're so ugly now." It's really emotional and you can't expect change over night.

    • Perhaps not. But I can expect someone to cut out soda, fast food, and cigarettes.

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