My ex says he doesn't want to be with me because he can't make me happy and be the man I need him to be.

We've been apart 6 months, I'm still deeply in love with him and miss him very much. We've met up a few times and still text each other. But whenever I mention getting back together he either ignores me and asks me to leave him alone or says things like 'he can't make me happy'. His father died last year before we split and I know he's still grieving his loss but I want to be there for him.

I left him initially because I felt he didn't want me around. When I left I told him if he asked me to stay I would but he didn't. I've found out recently that the reason he didn't was because he 'had no fight left in him' he told me that. I'm not sure what to do, I love him so much and want him to know how much he means to me, I tell him all time in texts and letters but he ignores me, however he's ok to talk abotut trivial things like how he is etc.

He asked me to meet him for coffee last week and we did and it went really well we sat for 3 hours chatting about what we'd been doing and memories, after wards I asked if he wanted to go to the cinema. He said he didn't know cos he didn't wanna lead me on. I said ok but then got upset after thinking about it for awhile and I started texting asking for reasons that he didn't wanna be with me. That's when he said 'he can't make me happy' he's also said before 'he's afraid he can't be the man I need him to be'. I don't know what to do. I wanna be with him but I don't know what I can do to get him back, if I chase him and tell him how much I love him it pushes him away, yet he says 'he can't make me happy' so obviously I am gonna wanna show him how much he does and how much I care about him. but is that the wrong thing to do? I fear he may be taking advantage of my affection. He is not seeing anyone and always makes a point of telling me that. I'm just so lost. Why does he wanna meet up if he wants me to leave him alone. He's said it before and then asks me to meet him. I'm so confused. Please help..


Most Helpful Guy

  • Its becoming pretty clear he does need you...for an ego boost(not in a bad way). He really is down in the dumps..poor kid BUT:

    Is he the same age bracket as you (25-29)? If he is he needs to wake up and do it fast. I am not sure how long a grown woman would tolerate this no matter how much love they have for the guy.

    Eventually he is going to wear you so thin you will wind up walking away. He has a woman that really cares about him and a gorgeous woman too boot.

    I am not sure why he is pushing you away. IO am pretty sure he doesnt. I think he is in "destructive mode" and he is going to sabotage every good thing he has to the point of no return.

    Do you know his parents well? his uncles? you need to get someone in his family to persuade him into seeing a therapist.

    This is a sad situation, I have a bad feeling he may be suicidal. How many things is he trying to destroy in his life besides your relationship with him?

    • Hi Gorce, thank you, finally someone with abit of insight, instead of just the usual 'move on'. He's 23 so 3 years younger than me. Before I met him he acted it too, when he got with me he matured a lot and now it's like he's gone back to how he was before he met me. He's changed so much. The day after we split he moved out of his mums house where we both lived together with his mum. He moved in with his friend and has been there since,when I ask him if he likes it he just shrugs.

What Guys Said 13

  • He is either afraid of opening up to someone when that love can cause so much pain (don't latch onto this one just think about it rationally).

    More likely it's that he likes you but isn't that into you and you being so into him makes him feel bad about himself because he feels like he "should" love you. The problem is youare to nice to accepting and to into him. How do I know this? Because I ruined a relationship with a beautiful sexy woman who was totally in love with me by doing the same thing. It's not that people don't want people to be nice to them. They just don't want people to be week needy clingy it makes you look cheap and then after a while they say I can have better than this they feel bad about only wanting to be friends with you but the reality is that they are looking for a exiting dynamic hard to get girl/guy and even if you were that when you met you lowered his image of you through love... sucks doesn't it. As soon as I started playing all the stupid games that make me feel like a total asshole she was back into and called me 4 times today. People are crazy.

  • For his sake, please leave him alone. For your sake, please move on with your life and find somewhere else, somewhere positive, to focus your energies. Yours doesn't sound like a relationship that can be healthy on a "just friends" level, and trying to keep it there will be frustrating for you and aggravating for him.

  • first tell me is he rich,or does he have any ideal job?answer this ?s then I can help you

  • if I had to make a guess, he needs the love of a good woman (you) but deep down he knows he has little to offer, and he knows he would be an emotional vacume.

  • Some people liketo really lead people on with their own drama. It can be hard to decipher when he is actually telling the truth about his insecurities, or maybe he just loves the way your affection and love make him feel. Maybe he wants a different girl. Who knows. You just have to find out by trying your best to make him see that he is the only one for you. The only one that will ever make you happy.

    DOnt get caught up in this one anymore than that. once you tried your best and he still wants t o jerk you around, then there is something mentally wrong withthis person and YOU Can NOT change him. He will only bring hurt into your life with the way he makes things be all down and suprised he want like this before his dad died. Maybe it is his dad, maybe you really do need to save him. I think its a little ov everything. Just don't worry if he commits suicide. It wasn't you that killed him. It was him that killed hisself.

    You notice he never breaks up with you, ehich means he wants YOU to brake up with him. To give him the though that no one cares so he CAN commit suicide!

    You do care. Maybe you could iniate more talks about his life and how he feels about each and every little thing. Seems like there's a lot under that veil he wears.

    Good luck...

    ohh the reason he don't think he can make you happy is because he knows you fkd a guy with a bigger wang than his and he isn't over it yet..

  • clearly he wants to be friends but isn't interested in you for more. pretty simple really.

  • People grieve in very different ways. It is possible your handling of him, his emotions or possibly his feelings towards his father were unwelcome, inappropriate or just at the wrong time and this could have offended him.

    I lost an uncle that I was very fond of. When my girlfriend, at the time told me how to mourn I was outraged ( and this is rare for me) I never forgot how inconsiderate she was about his death.

  • His father died. You need to let him move at his own pace. Be his friend - don't push anything on him - it's obvious he doesn't want that right now. Respect that. Period.

    Sorry to be blunt, but you are wanting something that he can not provide emotionally right now, from the sounds of it.

    Be his friend, he may want that with you - if he doesn't - then leave it alone. When he wants more, or is ready to talk to you - he will.


  • just because he may not be seeing someONE, he could see some people and not be exclusive, I think the guy just got too comfortable and he's just used to you now. nothing exciting, and he's not trying to impress you anymore, if he can't BE THE MAN HE NEEDS TO BE, then he can't be a man at all.

  • what a wimp

  • what it sounds like is he is trying to justify what he is doing. he is leaving you to go after another girl and he wants to make him self feel better about it. he still might have feelings for you but he is looking to have some fun. I hate to say it but I have done the same thing to someone it made me feel like sh*t. in a way I held her back, I kept her from moving on just so I did not feel hurt. I know it was a jerk move and I feel bad every time she started to move on I pulled her back and it sounds like he is doing the same to u. if you want him back "date" someone else you don't have to like the guy but I promise he will come running back

  • Hay, try to avoid. He is playing Man's psychology on Girls - how to get rid of your Ex ! The reasons are just to take a chance.


What Girls Said 10

  • he sounds like the type who needs encouragement or he could just be using pretty words. if you talk to him for a bit and he agrees to talk about it, then hopeuflly things will work out

  • It seems like this guy truly cares about you.I went through a similiar thing when I broke up with my bf, and we were apart for 6 months also. I always brought up the idea of getting back together, and he usually tried to change the subject, ignored it or just told me that he can't make me happy. He probably does wnat to be with you, but he's just afraid of hurting you and not making you happy .. he thinks you deserve better than him. The minute I started moving on, my boyfriend was begging for me back and I guess thast when he realized how much he really does need/want me in his life. So, the best advice I can give you is to just show him that you really are happy with him, and if nothing else works, then I guess its time to move on. You can't force someone to be in a relationship they don't awnt to be in.

    Hope this helps somewhat :) Goodluck.

  • hmm, my boyfriend has broken up with me because he thought he couldn't make me happy. which at the time was partially true... I was talking future stuff.. taking things to the next level and he had no interest.. which you know.. didn't make me happy. lol, so he broke up with me. however, our 'break up' only consisted of like a couple hours and not 6 months.. so I don't know exactly what to tell you. But if he is really doing it for you to make you happy.. I applaud him..

    He sounds like a great guy.

    and I really want to say more but I have to go!

    Im sorry, goodluck.

  • sweety you can't be there for someone when they don't want you there. The best thing to do is cut all ccontact with him he obviously still feels something for you he just doesn't know right now. you making it harder for him. Just completely stop talking to him and trust me if he wants to be with you things will turn around...i went through the exact I'm saying EXACT samething as you it took him 2 months to realize thing and now where about to get married

  • if he asks you to leave him alone.. LEAVE HIM ALONE.

    he'll respect you more.

    and if he don't wanna be with you why do you want him so bad? I want guys that want me back.

    the truth is you can't make him happy not the other way around.

    you need to face reality. itll make you stronger for the next guy.

    texting in breakups is evil.

    people say mean or nice things that they would never say in person.

    people seem to be nicer in person.

    \if you care about him that much let him move on.

    you should want what's best for him.

    • Sorry but I can't beleive my eyes when I read this. I never thought a female would tell another female to "move on" after that story when it is so clear she loves him and he loves her. THis is his hour of need and you dare suggest she drops him? that's some cold sh*t right there....ohh never mind..under18 huh?

    • I think if you haven't experienced depression and grief, you don't know how it works. I haven't experienced it as he is right now. I mean it was his dad, he was very close to him. This is the man I love it's obvious I'm not gonna drop him and move on. It's not just me he's left it's his mum also. She probably needs him more than I do right now.

  • i am in the same situation as you are and I can truly feel the pain you are going through and trust me it has hurt me more than anything else. But with me its more complicated because he is my best friend. His father also passed away a year back and he is still confused about his feelings. I told him how I felt about him a few days back but told him I wasn't expecting a relationship if he was'nt ready but he was just adamant to make me and him happen, He was fine the first 2 days but then he just started acting weird and I kept telling him you are not ready and in the end he just told me to lets keep the things they were before and not think of a relationship at this moment as he has too much going on in his life. Now yesterday it was his dad's death anniversary and he's just not talking to me I don't understand why. I texted him that I'm here for you but he said replied I'm busy ill talk to you soon. Its just breaking me up inside waiting for him. I have true feelings for him and really want to understand what is going through his head! :(

  • He already knows you love himn and care about him and want to be with him, but he's showing you HIS insecutrites, which is a hard thing for a man to do. I can see he still wants to be friends, but if you really want him back - tell him you believe in him, if you think he makes you happy, tell him he makes you happier than anyone on this earth, confide in him with your problems and if he is willing to help, tell him thank you for his advice and that it made you feel so much better, and your glad that you went to him because he always knows the right things to say. Something along those lines... I can't say you will have that chance, but continuosly telling him you love him and care about him and he's hurting you is only gonna make him believe that was he is saying is true, prove him wrong :)

  • He's not interested in being in this relationship with you, and you should have to fight for it either. He's incapable of making you happy, which shows that you deserve someone better. Regardless of what's going on at home, you and him are completely different from what's going on. You'd think he'd want to be with you, right? Instead, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. You shouldn't be a go-to girl and definitely not an emotional punching bag. He'll realize soon enough that he's let you go and that will be something he won't stop grieving about.

    You need to stop seeing him and letting him come in and out of your life like that. It's just going to kill you!

  • he is an immature jerk who wants to fool around and no long term relation just dump him.