Girls, what would your perspective be?

[irishfan86]

Imagine this is you:

You break up with your boyfriend of 3 years because of a few external factors (friends interfering, distance in relationship, etc..).

Two months after breaking up, you realize that it wasn't the relationship that wasn't working, it was your own personal problems (job, living situation, etc..) and you come to find that you are even more miserable without him and just plain miss him.

You start talking to your ex daily again, but you are depressed that you are in the position you are in. You find it next to impossible to get back into your relationship and back to normal because of that depression. Your friends talk an enormous amount of crap about your ex and plead with you to stop talking to him again, and all that does is feels hurtful and upset, and you realize how important he is to you.

You finally find motivation to change your situation, you apply to jobs near him and begin talking about moving in together, like you were going to before breaking up. You even meet up a few times, and spend a weekend with him. He asks you not to treat him like an option, and you promise him that you are not. You tell him that you are stuck in a rut and just hoping a change makes everything better.

As all of this is happening, you meet a new guy that is nothing like your ex, and he shows an interest in you and you begin to feel guilty because you are now second guessing everything, especially because you care so much about your ex. You think so much about it that you figure the only way to fix anything is to get out.

You begin to find your ex annoying, don't want to talk to him, and eventually tell him this. He is confused and broken hearted. He made some mistakes, before and after the breakup. But he loves you and wants nothing more than for you to be happy.

Three months into trying to work things out with him and in your own mind, you tell him it's over, and that he needs to get over it. You don't tell him a word about this new guy.

Not even a week later, you are visiting new guy for a weekend, and get flowers from this new guy for your birthday and plaster everything all over Facebook. Meanwhile, your ex has dropped completely off the radar, and he's not giving you a reaction about anything. You don't see him on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, nothing. He doesn't even say Happy Birthday to you (he's hurt, upset, disappointed, and you told him to go away. he's afraid that chasing you will only push you even further away), and you make your status the day after your birthday a quote: "Remember that person you thought you couldn't live without? Well look at you, living."

You are this girl. What is in your mind and heart? What is your ex to do? Do you still think about him? Do you still care about him? Are you wondering why he has disappeared? Do you wonder why he's not reacting in any way? What is happening? Are you just testing the waters, seeing if the grass is greener?

I'm the ex. I am confused, hurt, broken. What do I do?

[Jaelyn]

Basically this girl does not know what she wants. It seem pretty clear to me that she doesn't want to be with you but she doesn't want to let you go just in case it doesn't work out with this new guy, or any other guy in general. You deserve better then her and you should take her words seriously and move on because from the sounds of her, she wants nothing more then your attention. She obviously likes that you still love her or she wouldn't post immature comments on face book about your lack of attention. She broke up with you ,so now you don't own her anything, not even a happy birthday message. See, that is the point of breaking up with someone, you no longer should be expected to do anything in regards to her. Personally I don't think you should give her the light of day, if you give her the attention she wants, all it is going to prove to her is that she can treat you however she wants and you will always still be there for her. I'm not sure how old this girl is but she is playing immature games with your emotions for her own benefit. She doesn't want you but she doesn't want anyone else to have you ether. Move on, there are better women out there.

[irishfan86]

How do you figure she doesn't want to let me go? It's been three weeks of me being off the radar, and she hasn't contacted/interacted with me in any shape or form. Except maybe with her posting of different quotes like after her birthday.

I haven't given her any attention and because I haven't done a thing, no social media activity, texts, calls, nothing.

We both just turned 27. I'm not sure what you mean playing games for her own benefit and how she wouldn't want anyone else to have me?

[irishfan86]

Also, if she didn't want to let me go, why would she repeatedly tell me to get over it? Every response I had for her, she would just say "get over it." Or are you referring to the quote she posted after not hearing from me on her birthday?

[tomfoolery]

Yes, my love, it is the-grass- is-greener syndrome. However, I have found the grass is always greener because it is fertilized with bull s**t. She is clearly playing games with you. She wants you to chase her but at a distance. That's why the remark on FB. I think she'll come around now that you've dropped off the radar. It's sad to say it, but it's true. Women are very difficult people. I hate to admit it, but we are. She's not even sure what's in her heart and mind. She also needs to stop letting her friends lead her life. If they're her true friiends, they'll want her to be happy. It's her who has issues and it really doesn't have anything to do with you. It's HER. I know this doesn't make much sense, but I hope it helps. Good luck, sweetie.

[irishfan86]

So am I doing the right thing? What would your prediction as to what ultimately happens in the end be?

Also, does me being off the radar actually go along with chasing her at a distance? Is the lack in responsiveness working?

[tomfoolery]

Yes staying off the radar is kind of chasing her from a distance. You're not there every time she turns around. I would make an appearance every now and again, but not a lot. It'll start driving her nuts. She'll want to know what you're doing that's keeping you from calling. Oh and by the way, new guy is more than likely Mr. Rebound. It sucks, I know, but the excitement will fade away and she'll be wondering what happened to the man she truly loves. I stopped chasing my ex, and he ended up calling.

[tomfoolery]

Also, Try to comment nice things on her Facebook. Not all the time, but maybe once or twice a week. That lets her know you're there but not at her Beck and call. You might even go as far as telling her you're happy for her. I knew it's not true, but it'll make her think.

[irishfan86]

Well, I'm in the National Guard had to move a few months before we broke up (it was either go on a deployment or go to school under an ROTC contract). We were together everyday for three years, except when I had training and such. Now we are two and a half hours apart, so just making an occasional appearance isn't an option.

Thing is, this new guy (who has a 7 year old daughter!) lives an hour and a half from her. What's the difference?

Also, when's the best time to reappear on FB, etc..?

[tomfoolery]

Oh OK. Actually, there is No difference. Perhaps with the distances between you and her and the new guy, she feels she can play you both. I hate to say it, but that could be a possibility. As far as the Facebook thing goes, I would wait about a week or so, depending on when you spoke to her last. Remember to KEEP IT SIMPLE! Don't go professing your undying love. For instance, if she posts a new pic, simply comment with "nice pic " and leave it at that. If she posts something about the new guy, tell her your happy for her and you hope she's doing well. That will get her wondering If you're over her. If she responds at all, be it negative or positive, it's a good sign.

[irishfan86]

We last spoke the end of March. It's now been three weeks of me being off the radar, her spending the weekend with him twice now, and the whole birthday thing. She hasn't attempted any interaction with me, except maybe with her posting of quotes. I'm sticking with being off the radar for now because I feel as if any contact/interaction with her at all will just push her away even more. Am I doing the right thing? Do I just need to ride the storm and let her miss me on her own?

[tomfoolery]

Hey it took my ex 6 weeks to contact me when I stopped chasing. It happens in it's own time. I would interact with him If I saw him, just to let him know I was still around, but wouldn't let him see me hurt, If you know what I mean. In my opinion, you are doing the right thing by staying low - key for now. What I'm curious about is the annoying thing. She actually told you that you annoy here? Can you specify this more for me please? What led up to her saying that, etc.

[irishfan86]

This was something she actually told me. A week after spending a weekend together, she began distancing herself, not answering calls and such. I asked multiple times why (probably to an annoying point). Finally, in last conversation, I told her I was worried about not hearing from her with no explanation. She said "right now I'm not yours to worry about, and you thinking I'm being distant, well I think you're being unbelievably annoying and not getting that I don't want to talk to you anymore."

[irishfan86]

Also, before getting distant and quiet on me, She even told me that I wasn't an option. She would tell me in our text conversations that "I've been busy or out," then "I just don't feel like talking," then "I just don't have anything to talk about," then "I have nothing to talk about and you're annoying."

At one point, I had mentioned that I wished that life had a fast forward button so we could be good again. She said "hmm" and I asked "what?" and she replied "just thinking about that."

[tomfoolery]

Hmmm. If you don't mind, let me ponder about that one. I promise you are not annoying. You simply want answers. So give me just a bit and I'll get right back..

[irishfan86]

No I understand. I'm just trying to wrap my brain around all of this. I think once I know all the details (both sides of the story too), it'll help me make the best choices. I haven't stopped loving her, and I truthfully am worried about her decisions and everything about all of this.

[tomfoolery]

I completely understand. I'm trying to wrap my head around my hubby's behavior. I honestly am starting to think that maybe she felt trapped by all of the outside influences and it actually made her depressed. I think she's trying to reach out to you, but she doesn't know how. You most definitely need to hear her side. People have told me that when people distance themselves from you it's not what you've done, it's what the person has done. something wrong, but she fe

[tomfoolery]

I'm not saying she's done anything wrong, but she feels like she has. She knows she is hurting you and she's not proud of herself, but she is too proud to admit it.

[irishfan86]

And this was all before her distancing herself from me and the conversation about being done with me? How is it she would reach out to me by seeing someone else right after telling me I'm not "just an option"? What do I do from here, continue what I have been doing and staying totally out of the picture? How do we know that she knows she is hurting me?

[irishfan86]

How is it she would be trying to reach out to me by telling me that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore and that I need to go away and get over it?

[tomfoolery]

She's just not sure how to reach out. She's confused about.her feelings. I would just try one more time to talk to her. Find out why she's being thiay. If she doesn't respond or responds negatively, let her be until she figures things out.

[irishfan86]

I think that at this point, any attempt at communication will only push her further away, and that I have no choice but to let her go. You may agree or disagree. I'm not sure what you mean by saying she is trying to reach out but doesn't know how? To me, it is clear that she does not want me in her life, not right now anyway.

The worst is sitting here knowing that she is spending yet another weekend with him as we type. It's gut wrenching...

What do you think the end result will be?

[irishfan86]

I actually have found a story that may give some good insight, but I can't post links to get to it..

If you go into my profile, and click under "Answers", I have commented on a Question titled "Girls: have you missed an ex after dumping him and getting another boyfriend?"

When you get to the question, scroll down to love2help_help2love's comments (it's two parts due to it's length). It sounds very similar to my story, just the other side of the story... Let me know if you can find it.

[tomfoolery]

Unfortunately, I'm not sure what the end result will be. I hope it ends in your favor. I understand. My husband is spending the weekend with his 20 year old stripper girlfriend, so I know how you feel. I can't communicate with him. It sucks. Sometimes we have to let them go before they realize what they had.

[irishfan86]

Well, we do know this:

You believe that this is a case of "is the grass greener?" syndrome. We know that she is likely 100% confused, but also 100% clear that she doesn't want me in her life right now.

You feel that her actions and words have told us that she might be trying to reach out in some way, and that she probably knows that she's hurting me.

We saw the quote she posted after her birthday. Was that in reaction to my silence? What do I do? keep doing what I am doing?

[tomfoolery]

Yes, just keep doing what you're doing. Let her come to you. Give her some time though. She nasty not do it right away. Like I said, it took my ex 6 weeks. If she does reach out, be there for her, but don't let her take advantage of your feelings.